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| Image credit couragextoxlive on Flickr |
Ah, the holiday season, filled with warm, loving memories of family and friends. A peaceful time, unmarred by conflict, when we display perfect love and charity toward all... MMhmm. Sure. It has moments like that. But, spending extended time with family and friends who parent differently may leave you (or them) feeling anything but goodwill.
Breastfeeding is one of the big hot button issues. Are you going to *gasp* nurse in front of everyone?! Are you still nursing? Isn't s/he gaining too much/too little? Well, when are you going to give him real food? Look, your three month old keeps looking at my plate and watching me eat. I bet she is hungry for a bite of pie. I'll just give her one little bite...
Discipline is another biggie. "You are spoiling him!" "Are you going to let her get away with that?" "You know he is just manipulating you when he cries." "When I was a kid I would've gotten my butt whipped for that!"
It is easy to feel intimidated or irritated when scenarios like these start, but gentle discipline works for everyone.
*Assume positive intent. In most cases, the comments are not meant maliciously. They love your baby, too. They may be unaware of the latest research and simply sharing their own background.
*Validate. Acknowledge their love and desire for your baby's well-being. If there is something you can agree with, do so.
*Re-direct. Is Grandma really just not happy unless someone is eating? Does she just want a chance to hold the baby for a minute or to feel like her advice is useful? Then give it to her. "Thanks, Grandma, but I'm waiting on solid food right now. But I would love for you to share the recipe with me!" "I bet she would love to have you sing her that old lullaby that you used to sing to us." "Could you burp him for me?"
*Maintain boundaries. You are still the parent, and you get to choose. Particularly in safety issues, hold firm. (And yes, that includes emotional safety of my children). I will not let my children be shamed or otherwise hurtfully corrected. I will breastfeed my babies when they are hungry.
*Respect their boundaries, too. It is OK for your kids to learn that some families do things differently, and their rules regarding their property and person should also be honored. In my home it is OK for kids to jump on the couch. In their home, it is not.
*Be flexible within the guidelines of your own comfort level. In my home and pretty much everywhere else, I breastfeed wherever I am (without a cover, even!). Yet in someone else's home, I might go into another room just because my baby is so distractable. However, if they told me not to nurse or insisted that we go somewhere else, I might just avoid the hassle and not go to their place, period.
*Confidence goes a long way. If you are happy about your choices and smile while maintaining your boundaries, most people won't try to argue. If they do, you don't have to join in. I suggest arming yourself with tons of info about your choice to continue breastfeeding, to sleep with your baby, or whatever topic you think will come up. This is not necessarily for them, but for you. You don't need to give them all that information (although if you have to, a mini-filibuster on the benefits of not letting your baby cry it out will probably cause them to stop giving you advice, even if it doesn't change their minds), but it can help you to remain calm and not feel horribly outnumbered.
*Consider unmet needs on their part. Are they acting out of guilt for making different choices? Or do they simply feel like you are judging them? Do they just need to know that you are not rejecting them? Do they need to feel useful and valued? Even if your boundaries are still the same, understanding can give you greater peace empathy.
*Look at the long-term picture. 10 years from now, whether you breastfed or not probably won't be an issue. The types of healthy relationship patterns that you model and maintain, will be. Be loving and kind. Protect yourself and your children with firm and respectful boundaries. It takes practice.
What are your tips for coping?
Breastfeeding is one of the big hot button issues. Are you going to *gasp* nurse in front of everyone?! Are you still nursing? Isn't s/he gaining too much/too little? Well, when are you going to give him real food? Look, your three month old keeps looking at my plate and watching me eat. I bet she is hungry for a bite of pie. I'll just give her one little bite...
Discipline is another biggie. "You are spoiling him!" "Are you going to let her get away with that?" "You know he is just manipulating you when he cries." "When I was a kid I would've gotten my butt whipped for that!"
It is easy to feel intimidated or irritated when scenarios like these start, but gentle discipline works for everyone.
*Assume positive intent. In most cases, the comments are not meant maliciously. They love your baby, too. They may be unaware of the latest research and simply sharing their own background.
*Validate. Acknowledge their love and desire for your baby's well-being. If there is something you can agree with, do so.
*Re-direct. Is Grandma really just not happy unless someone is eating? Does she just want a chance to hold the baby for a minute or to feel like her advice is useful? Then give it to her. "Thanks, Grandma, but I'm waiting on solid food right now. But I would love for you to share the recipe with me!" "I bet she would love to have you sing her that old lullaby that you used to sing to us." "Could you burp him for me?"
*Maintain boundaries. You are still the parent, and you get to choose. Particularly in safety issues, hold firm. (And yes, that includes emotional safety of my children). I will not let my children be shamed or otherwise hurtfully corrected. I will breastfeed my babies when they are hungry.
*Respect their boundaries, too. It is OK for your kids to learn that some families do things differently, and their rules regarding their property and person should also be honored. In my home it is OK for kids to jump on the couch. In their home, it is not.
*Be flexible within the guidelines of your own comfort level. In my home and pretty much everywhere else, I breastfeed wherever I am (without a cover, even!). Yet in someone else's home, I might go into another room just because my baby is so distractable. However, if they told me not to nurse or insisted that we go somewhere else, I might just avoid the hassle and not go to their place, period.
*Confidence goes a long way. If you are happy about your choices and smile while maintaining your boundaries, most people won't try to argue. If they do, you don't have to join in. I suggest arming yourself with tons of info about your choice to continue breastfeeding, to sleep with your baby, or whatever topic you think will come up. This is not necessarily for them, but for you. You don't need to give them all that information (although if you have to, a mini-filibuster on the benefits of not letting your baby cry it out will probably cause them to stop giving you advice, even if it doesn't change their minds), but it can help you to remain calm and not feel horribly outnumbered.
*Consider unmet needs on their part. Are they acting out of guilt for making different choices? Or do they simply feel like you are judging them? Do they just need to know that you are not rejecting them? Do they need to feel useful and valued? Even if your boundaries are still the same, understanding can give you greater peace empathy.
*Look at the long-term picture. 10 years from now, whether you breastfed or not probably won't be an issue. The types of healthy relationship patterns that you model and maintain, will be. Be loving and kind. Protect yourself and your children with firm and respectful boundaries. It takes practice.
What are your tips for coping?
5 comments:
I sometimes wonder how in the world we can disagree so profoundly and yet love each other so strongly! You are a special young woman, dear niece.
I don't have anything to add, but I did want to commend you on a well thought out post. :)
This is so good, I often feel very alone in my parenting choices and have had my neighbors and friends, who are pastor's wives telling me that I need to stop breastfeeding my one year old "for the sake of my family" and that God convicted them to do the same. In those situations I just sort of clam up and nod my head and make a run for it as soon as I can. My husband has been encouraging me to speak up more. I think that as women and mothers we just have this profound desire to be the same, to be understood, to connect, and when we don't, when we think so very differently it is really hard. But I think he's right, so lately, even though it's uncomfortable, I've been speaking up. And now, ever so cautiously, my friends are starting to ask me casual questions, about gentle discipline, how it works, things like that. So little by little we're making connections, maintaining friendships despite differences. Though having that heart felt connection would just be so much easier and comfortable! Sorry for the novel!
Blessings,
Leslie
I had to laugh a little, because your list sounds like good parenting advice too! I guess that's the beauty of gentle parenting. It's treating kids as people, the same as everyone else, the way we want to be treated.
Great advice Dulce. I'll keep this in mind especially over the next week or so :)
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