Discussions about sexual purity in Christian circles are full of cliches, catch phrases and superficiality. I have been as guilty of this as anyone else. Writing this post has challenged me to examine what I really believe about the Bible. And I will tell you upfront that I am still praying and considering this.
A lot of the insidious ideas of courtship and patriarchy have begun to permeate mainstream Christian culture, including the idolization of virginity, curse-filled gender roles, legalistic formulas and a seriously twisted view of father-daughter relationships. Christian kids are terrorized into saying no to sex, and not taught how to say yes.
We are missing the point entirely.
I believe that the heart of sexual purity is about love, freedom and unity. Choosing sexual purity from love, not fear. Love for God, love for ourselves and love for our spouse. Freedom from compulsion. Freedom from fear and shame. Freedom from insecurity. About unity that goes beyond physical intimacy. Two people uniting themselves in love and purpose. Emotional and spiritual intimacy that allows the physical joining to express the same kind of oneness as in the Trinity. Echad.
If we really want to teach our children about sexual purity, our focus must be on healthy relationships, not denying sex.
If sex really is meant to be a picture of echad, or plural oneness, what does that mean in a human relationship? Phillipians 2 has some beautiful pictures of that: encouragement from being united with Christ, comfort in love, tenderness, compassion, common sharing in the Spirit, like-minded, having the same love, intent on the same purpose. Not acting from selfishness, competition or conceit. Looking out for each others' best interests. Not grasping for position. Not dominating the other. This is mutual submission. Not something that the wife has to do to placate her husband. Something that both partners do.
This foundation of relationship sets up both partners as equal. It isn't grasping at sex from neediness or emptiness inside. It isn't allowing another to use your body from fear or resignation. It is freely giving to each other with joy and grace. It isn't detached from the reality of who the other person is. It is finding someone that you are so fully aligned with and committed to that you can be utterly honest. It means that you both are looking out for what is best for each other, not just what is easiest (and that may mean confronting each other in love and helping each other to grow, even when that isn't comfortable for our partner).
I believe that one of the most important parts of sex is security in the love of one's partner. Knowing that someone loves you fully allows you to let go of self-consciousness, embarrassment and fear and fully enjoy sex. If you are holding back the secret places in your heart from someone because they have not yet earned that level of intimacy, sex will not reach it fullest potential for either one of you.
A lot of teaching out there now says that if you have sex outside of marriage, you are giving away pieces of your heart that you can never get back. I don't believe that hearts are finite, with only a limited amount of love, that once given away means you will run out. I do believe that uniting ourselves physically with someone without being united as true partners makes us vulnerable to selfishness, shallowness and unhealthy relationships.
Instead of trying to scare my kids away from sex, I want to give them the knowledge and tools they need to grow into the people they want to be. I want them to be emotionally mature and equipped for healthy relationships, so that sex will be a beautiful portrayal of the united hearts of both partners.
These are some of the reasons that I will teach my children that I believe that sex is designed for marriage. Not because it is the end of the world if they aren't virgins when they marry, although I hope that they are. Not because of the possibilities of pregnancy (which is not the end of the world, either), or even disease, (although I will share full, unbiased info on birth control and the risks and advantages of different methods).
But because I believe that the kind of relationship that sex is meant to show us is found in a healthy marriage, in that depth of commitment and unity.
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This is part of a series about how we teach our children about sexuality. As parents, we have an incredible responsibility. We need to give our children accurate, age-appropriate information, not only on the physical aspects of sexuality, but also on the emotional and spiritual ramifications. I hope you will join us in this discussion with your comments, links, ideas and stories. For the entire series, click here.
6 comments:
I like this, particularly the part about if you aren't ready to show someone all the secrets of your heart, then why would you be ready for sex with them?
Very, very good point.
Thank you so much! <3
Beautifully written, and an amazing Truth filled message. Thank you for sharing this. You made several great points!
Dulce, after reading some of the thoughts and comments on certain anti-patriarchy blogs, I have been pondering these things, and you have expressed beautifully what I wished I could articulate. Thank you <3
(off to read the rest of the series :))
I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on purity rings, too.
Thank you so much! <3
AFA purity rings, I have big issues with anything that makes it seem as if the daughter's virginity belongs to her father. I know that not everyone does it that way, but I tend to feel that the rings aren't really helpful, and depending on how they are presented (and the whole Gothardite culture is so obsessed with 'vows' in an icky way) can be unhealthy.
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