Let’s talk about… making loving connections
Have you ever wondered how you were going to do “the talk” about “the birds and the bees”. What to say and how, and of course when and how much. We know it’s important that children learn about sex and relationships at home, but how to do it without toe curling embarrassment on both sides. Few of us have good examples from our own childhood to follow and we’re aware that if we don’t broach the subject it will be left in the less than capable hands of peers and the media. Nowadays, due to living in such an over-sexualized, titillated culture, the job of “the talk” is not to generally explain anatomy or mechanics, as it was in the past. Contraception and disease are now part of the school curriculum, where kids are told all the reasons not to have sex, to be careful, to watch out for predators. But perhaps the most important parts, the reason why we all want to “do it”, the emotional, hormonal and very human relational aspects of sex are what we can really provide a solid grounding in at home. This is something we are all experienced in. We certainly don’t have all the answers, but we can show how we ourselves try to navigate these crucial paths. Home is where we can make the connections between love and sex, between bodies and feelings, between children and sex. The reason we often struggle with Sex is because we isolate it from its surroundings, we take it out of relationship. Talking about sex is not just explaining reproduction. Sexual education involves learning about our bodies, feelings of love, affection and attraction, companionship, passion, art, the dynamics of interpersonal relationships, self-esteem etc: sex is not just something that happens in bedrooms, its roots are in all aspects of our lives and our world.
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| Image credit Sequoia Hughes on Flickr |
So what can we do to make a foundation of a healthy, esteemed understanding of sex and relationships? The first thing is not to wait until puberty hits. Sexual education starts when our children are babies and toddlers, at a level that they can understand. Learning about sex is learning about how all the creatures of the earth continue to exist. Flowers, puppies, sheep, ladybirds, all these provide great examples of reproduction to talk about. There are always babies and pregnant and breastfeeding women around raising questions in little minds. You start on a natural, gentle, need-to-know basis: they see you in the bath or getting dressed and ask why mummy and daddy look different, they discover their genitals whilst having their nappy changed, they want to know why they wear different clothes to their sister. All these are important learning opportunities to be seized, rather than gloss over with confusing fairy tales of cabbage patches and the like. This serves two purposes: firstly it means that sex is not a dark mysterious world of unknown fascinations when they reach their own sexual awakening. They know that you are approachable and knowledgeable about these matters. Secondly, it allows you to begin the dialogue, and get comfortable bracing the subject rather than putting it off - practice makes perfect and you will have many years then to add to and clarify their understanding.
As a society we are so aware of the negative sides of sexualisation of children through abuse, paedophilia and marketing, but we have still not acknowledged that sexuality does not emerge from nowhere, fully fledged in the teenage years. All children have their own physical sensations, their own experiences of physical pleasure, a need to feel love, affection and close bonds. They have a need to experiment and observe each other and their elders physically, and have a huge curiousity about their all parts of their bodies and how they work. It is a natural, unstoppable part of learning about the world, as long as it is within safe boundaries and the unfolding of it is instigated by the child, and at all times done in an atmosphere of mutual respect.
Language- I understand that many have strong beliefs about teaching their children to use the proper names for private parts, and have to admit that if you go to the doctor, telling him about your penis rather than your dooberry is certainly more direct and helpful for all involved. I don’t however agree, that the use of other, well known names, like willy is bad or wrong or shows a sense of embarrassment. I call my stomach my tummy, not through embarrassment but because it is a more casual word, the same with my scapula, my glutimus maximus and my umbilicus. Whatever you as a family decide, the naming of parts, especially for girls (as we have such a taboo still in this culture about the unspeakablity of female genitalia and sexuality) is crucial. Without language you cannot communicate about sex. Obviously terminology and details will evolve as the child gets older.
Communication- learning to communicate with parents about sex sets the stage for our children to be able to communicate with their own future partners about it. Having a language to express it acknowledges it as important and real.
Modeling- all learning is best based through modeling, that is learning by observation. I’m certainly not suggesting you have full blown intercourse in front of children, but affectionate gestures, hugs, strokes and kisses to show the basis of love and intimacy. Also explaining what is happening if they see animals mating or birthing.
Intimacy and emotions- modeling and talking about how physical and emotional intimacy are related is absolutely crucial for our children. Being able to express emotions, communicate feelings both verbally and physically, understanding the give and take that is involved in all loving, caring relationships.
Physical self esteem- most of us are sensitive to comments about our physicality, we absorb others impressions of us like a sponge from a very early age and internalize them as our own self image. How we feel about our physical selves has one of the greatest impacts on our later sexuality- nappy changing, toilet time and getting undressed and ready for bed, even infant massage classes are all times where children will pick up from us how they are supposed to feel about their bodies. Refrain from commenting or judging your children’s bodies except to show appreciation for their unique beauty and functionality, of all parts, nose and knees, eyes and tummies. Kiss, stroke and embrace, show them that they are loved, loveable and perfect as they are. Be especially sensitive around the changes of puberty, yours is not the place to commentate on each physical change, especially sprouting beards and breasts and spots, acknowledge it, but be very respectful of their growing need for physical privacy as they metamorphose into young adults.
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| Image credit dearoot on Flickr |
Privacy, respect and boundaries- as children get older and more verbal, emphasise the need we all, including parents, have, for respect and privacy. Bedroom and bathroom doors may be closed, even locked, and someone outside must always knock, not just barge in. No teasing or harassing if people are caught in what should have been a moment of privacy. Also emphasising that our private parts, are just that, private, unless we choose to share them. This is not from a sense of prudery or shame, but respect. This emphasis on a need for respect and consent may also act as a powerful deterrent if a child is ever faced with an abuser- they know that they have a right to their own privacy and boundaries and to say no if they feel uncomfortable.
Work on your own issues- children pick up on our own unworked through anxieties and issues, they will get a gut feeling that there is something bad, wrong or dirty about sex and human bodies if this is what you believe, even if you don’t say it in as many words. For most of us our feelings about our bodies and sexuality and intimacy are endless works in progress, this is as it should be, but we need to try to be as clear and positive in our communications with our children about this subject.
Each family, each culture has its own guidelines and beliefs about sexuality, how and when it should be expressed and how the physical body should be shown, and it is important for children to know that different people do have different rules. But respect for the dignity and importance of the human body, its physical functions and reproductive capacity, and the need to cultivate lasting relationships are all universal human necessities. Be open, approachable, respectful. Be able to laugh and admit you don’t know. The greatest gift you can give your child is themselves unencumbered by doubts, shame or misinformation but rather physically and emotionally confident and curious about the adventures of love, sex and relationships that lie ahead.
"This article was previously published in JUNO magazine (http://www.junomagazine.com/). Lucy Pearce is contributing editor at JUNO and blogs at www.dreamingaloudnet.blogspot.com" 
