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My darling Ariana, Elena and Verónica,
With all my heart I want to believe that you will never ever experience abuse by someone who claims to love you. Your dad and I want you to grow up in healthy, love-filled relationships and we want to protect you from bad guys. We know that you are strong and courageous. You are smart and you listen to the Holy Spirit.
But the truth is that I have known many women who are strong and smart and love God who still got caught by abusers. Some guys are master manipulators and deceivers, and some abuse may be hard to recognize at first.
Abuse isn't just about being physically threatened. Some abusers never hit their victims, certainly not early on. Just as abuse is more than being beaten, sexual abuse is not just about fighting them off physically. Rape is anytime you are coerced into sex, even if you eventually give in because of fear of how they will punish you if you don't go along with it. Love will always respect your boundaries, and will not try to guilt you into going along with it in spite of yourself.
Most abusers are incredibly charming when they want to be. They can confuse you and twist things till reality is just a blur.
This is what I want you to watch out for: anytime you feel like you have to please them to avoid a negative reaction. If you start to feel like you are walking on eggshells, that means you need to run! If you are starting to doubt yourself, to feel the need to cover for him to other people, to think you are the one with the problem, to believe that he is only acting that way because of past hurts that you can help heal, if your boundaries are not honored, or anytime you feel afraid, then you are in danger of abuse.
There are two lies our society likes to believe. One is that it is always 50/50. Abuse is about power and control, and it isn't equal. Even if the person being abused tries to fight back, there is never an equal playing field of power--it is just the desperate reactions of the one being battered. If they could simply walk away, they probably would have long ago.
I have seen abusers get inside the minds of friends and even family members of their victims and spin things to turn the very ones who should support the victims against them. This is my public declaration that I will always choose you. Perhaps there are two sides to most stories, but not in cases of abuse. There is nothing that would change an abuser if you would just only (fill in the blank). We love you and will support you in every way we can.
Another lie is that God would rather see you patiently endure than divorce. An abuser has already broken their marriage vows. I don't believe that God calls us to enable unrepentant sin by remaining a vulnerable victim of abuse. If he gets to a point where he has truly changed and it is something that you both want, God is certainly capable of bringing you back together. But your safety must come first.
Furthermore, abuse comes from a mindset of entitlement, not just a bad response to a situation. Although it cycles and there will likely be plenty of good times where it seems like things are getting better, the mindset of entitlement doesn't go away on its own, even if he is sorry. It usually takes years in a abuse-specific intervention program to effect change. (Note: regular counseling or even anger management programs generally just give an abuser more tools for manipulation.)
Many parents have a lot of rules or milestones that their kids must meet before dating. One of mine is that you have to read through Protecting the Gift (and/or The Gift of Fear) by Gavin De Becker, and Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and talk about them with me.
My darlings, I know this is a long letter already, and that like everything else in this series, it is much better suited for an ongoing conversation than a single letter. So I'll close this with one of the things that drew me to your dad. Along with a zillion qualities about him that I love, I noticed that I became more myself with him. Some people will bring out different colors of your personality. Don't stay with someone who makes your colors fade.
I love you forever and like you for always,
Mom
Image credit: Steve Rhode on Flickr
With all my heart I want to believe that you will never ever experience abuse by someone who claims to love you. Your dad and I want you to grow up in healthy, love-filled relationships and we want to protect you from bad guys. We know that you are strong and courageous. You are smart and you listen to the Holy Spirit.
But the truth is that I have known many women who are strong and smart and love God who still got caught by abusers. Some guys are master manipulators and deceivers, and some abuse may be hard to recognize at first.
Abuse isn't just about being physically threatened. Some abusers never hit their victims, certainly not early on. Just as abuse is more than being beaten, sexual abuse is not just about fighting them off physically. Rape is anytime you are coerced into sex, even if you eventually give in because of fear of how they will punish you if you don't go along with it. Love will always respect your boundaries, and will not try to guilt you into going along with it in spite of yourself.
Most abusers are incredibly charming when they want to be. They can confuse you and twist things till reality is just a blur.
This is what I want you to watch out for: anytime you feel like you have to please them to avoid a negative reaction. If you start to feel like you are walking on eggshells, that means you need to run! If you are starting to doubt yourself, to feel the need to cover for him to other people, to think you are the one with the problem, to believe that he is only acting that way because of past hurts that you can help heal, if your boundaries are not honored, or anytime you feel afraid, then you are in danger of abuse.
There are two lies our society likes to believe. One is that it is always 50/50. Abuse is about power and control, and it isn't equal. Even if the person being abused tries to fight back, there is never an equal playing field of power--it is just the desperate reactions of the one being battered. If they could simply walk away, they probably would have long ago.
I have seen abusers get inside the minds of friends and even family members of their victims and spin things to turn the very ones who should support the victims against them. This is my public declaration that I will always choose you. Perhaps there are two sides to most stories, but not in cases of abuse. There is nothing that would change an abuser if you would just only (fill in the blank). We love you and will support you in every way we can.
Another lie is that God would rather see you patiently endure than divorce. An abuser has already broken their marriage vows. I don't believe that God calls us to enable unrepentant sin by remaining a vulnerable victim of abuse. If he gets to a point where he has truly changed and it is something that you both want, God is certainly capable of bringing you back together. But your safety must come first.
Furthermore, abuse comes from a mindset of entitlement, not just a bad response to a situation. Although it cycles and there will likely be plenty of good times where it seems like things are getting better, the mindset of entitlement doesn't go away on its own, even if he is sorry. It usually takes years in a abuse-specific intervention program to effect change. (Note: regular counseling or even anger management programs generally just give an abuser more tools for manipulation.)
Many parents have a lot of rules or milestones that their kids must meet before dating. One of mine is that you have to read through Protecting the Gift (and/or The Gift of Fear) by Gavin De Becker, and Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and talk about them with me.
My darlings, I know this is a long letter already, and that like everything else in this series, it is much better suited for an ongoing conversation than a single letter. So I'll close this with one of the things that drew me to your dad. Along with a zillion qualities about him that I love, I noticed that I became more myself with him. Some people will bring out different colors of your personality. Don't stay with someone who makes your colors fade.
I love you forever and like you for always,
Mom
Image credit: Steve Rhode on Flickr
**********
This is part of a series about how we teach our children about sexuality. As parents, we have an incredible responsibility. We need to give our children accurate, age-appropriate information, not only on the physical aspects of sexuality, but also on the emotional and spiritual ramifications. I hope you will join us in this discussion with your comments, links, ideas and stories. For the entire series, click here.
5 comments:
How I wish my mother had told me all this. I was "caught" for nearly two decades without realizing it. Now I have to help my children understand that the marriage they witnessed between their parents was NOT a marriage. It was ownership, domination, abuse. I will share your letter with them as part of their new on-going education. Thank you for posting this.
You are so right. Thanks.
Oh, beautiful, thankyou. Mama this is such a wonderful important letter. Once again you wrote out something my heart was longing to put words around. xxx
I wish I would have read this letter a long time ago... Wish someone would have told me this.. your a wonderful mom for this letter
Thank you so much for this. I was one of those who was strong and smart and loved God and got caught by exactly the type of man you described - much older and charming and so manipulative he fooled me. Luckily I had a strong family support system and even some previous counseling experience so I was able to get out after "only" two years and before I was seriously injured or had any children with him. Even almost 10 years later and after being married to a sweet man for 7 years, it is so healing to read these words of reassurance that I wasn't the crazy one and divorce really was the safest and best option and even permitted by God. Great job, your girls will thank you for this. God bless!
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