Discipline Meme--This is What it is About

My lovely friend ReadingMommy created this beautiful photo that so perfectly describes what gentle discipline is about.  There have been so many ugly, shaming, punitive memes floating around.  I am delighted that she made this one and graciously allowed me to share it.  <3  I believe that gentle discipline "works" for our children, but I know that it is working in me to build character, maturity and grace.

The Price of Trust

I'm over at Natural Parents Network today sharing about a second chance that I had at protecting my daughter. 

Our society has conditioned us to consider the convenience of other adults above the well-being of our own children. We are expected to take the side of the teacher, the doctor, the dentist, or anyone else whenever there is a conflict. I am so, so glad that this time I chose to listen to my daughter.
I know that protecting her this one time didn’t make up for caving the first time, but it went a long way. She is not at all afraid of going back now. She knows that I will make sure her voice and body are respected. The price of the appointment was nothing compared to the trust of my little girl.

Read the whole post here.  :)

Sex Ed in a Christian Home: Abusive Relationships

My darling Ariana, Elena and Verónica,

With all my heart I want to believe that you will never ever experience abuse by someone who claims to love you.  Your dad and I want you to grow up in healthy, love-filled relationships and we want to protect you from bad guys.  We know that you are strong and courageous. You are smart and you listen to the Holy Spirit.

But the truth is that I have known many women who are strong and smart and love God who still got caught by abusers.  Some guys are master manipulators and deceivers, and some abuse may be hard to recognize at first.

Abuse isn't just about being physically threatened. Some abusers never hit their victims, certainly not early on. Just as abuse is more than being beaten, sexual abuse is not just about fighting them off physically.  Rape is anytime you are coerced into sex, even if you eventually give in because of fear of how they will punish you if you don't go along with it. Love will always respect your boundaries, and will not try to guilt you into going along with it in spite of yourself.

Most abusers are incredibly charming when they want to be. They can confuse you and twist things till reality is just a blur.

This is what I want you to watch out for: anytime you feel like you have to please them to avoid a negative reaction. If you start to feel like you are walking on eggshells, that means you need to run!  If you are starting to doubt yourself, to feel the need to cover for him to other people, to think you are the one with the problem, to believe that he is only acting that way because of past hurts that you can help heal, if your boundaries are not honored, or anytime you feel afraid, then you are in danger of abuse.

There are two lies our society likes to believe. One is that it is always 50/50.  Abuse is about power and control, and it isn't equal.  Even if the person being abused tries to fight back, there is never an equal playing field of power--it is just the desperate reactions of the one being battered.  If they could simply walk away, they probably would have long ago.

I have seen abusers get inside the minds of friends and even family members of their victims and spin things to turn the very ones who should support the victims against them.  This is my public declaration that I will always choose you. Perhaps there are two sides to most stories, but not in cases of abuse. There is nothing that would change an abuser if you would just only (fill in the blank). We love you and will support you in every way we can.

Another lie is that God would rather see you patiently endure than divorce. An abuser has already broken their marriage vows. I don't believe that God calls us to enable unrepentant sin by remaining a vulnerable victim of abuse. If he gets to a point where he has truly changed and it is something that you both want, God is certainly capable of bringing you back together. But your safety must come first.

Furthermore, abuse comes from a mindset of entitlement, not just a bad response to a situation. Although it cycles and there will likely be plenty of good times where it seems like things are getting better, the mindset of entitlement doesn't go away on its own, even if he is sorry. It usually takes years in a abuse-specific intervention program to effect change. (Note: regular counseling or even anger management programs generally just give an abuser more tools for manipulation.)

Many parents have a lot of rules or milestones that their kids must meet before dating. One of mine is that you have to read through Protecting the Gift (and/or The Gift of Fear) by Gavin De Becker, and Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and talk about them with me.

My darlings, I know this is a long letter already, and that like everything else in this series, it is much better suited for an ongoing conversation than a single letter. So I'll close this with one of the things that drew me to your dad. Along with a zillion qualities about him that I love, I noticed that I became more myself with him. Some people will bring out different colors of your personality. Don't stay with someone who makes your colors fade.

I love you forever and like you for always,

Mom

Image credit: Steve Rhode on Flickr

**********

This is part of a series about how we teach our children about sexuality.  As parents, we have an incredible responsibility.  We need to give our children accurate, age-appropriate information, not only on the physical aspects of sexuality, but also on the emotional and spiritual ramifications.  I hope you will join us in this discussion with your comments, links, ideas and stories.  For the entire series, click here.

Mama Moments: Self Care in 60 Seconds

A romantic night out with your partner? Afternoon coffee with a friend? A couple of hours of indulgence at the bookstore cafe? Sounds lovely, but in the times when I most desperately need a couple of hours to myself, I’m lucky to get a chance to pee alone, let alone time for a massage!

Sometimes, taking a day off simply isn’t possible. Yet by sprinkling enough of these mama moments throughout your day, you can bring some desperately needed refreshment and peace. All of these can be done one-handed (helpful when your child is nursing) or in the few seconds it takes to count for a game of hide and seek. They won’t take the place of a massage, a coffee date with friends or dinner out with your partner, but they just might help you hang on till you get there.

Read some of my favorite coping tips over at Natural Parents Network!

Giveaway: Basic First Aid Naturokit from NaturoKits - $75 {7.17; Worldwide}

This is a joint giveaway with Dulce de leche and Natural Parents Network. You may enter at one site only. Please find the section marked "Win it!" for the mandatory entry and optional bonus entries.

NaturoKits is offering our readers a giveaway of their First Aid NaturoKit, a value of $75.

The Basic First Aid NaturoKit contains a wonderfully convenient variety of natural and homeopathic remedies for stings, scrapes, bruises, burns and other injuries or illnesses.

From our reviewer, Dulce de leche:



With four very active kidlets and an intensely crazy summer, I was overjoyed at the prospect of testing the Naturokits first aid kit. We get plenty of bumps, scrapes, scratches and all the rest! We have been moving away from things like typical antibiotic creams to more natural remedies, but it was a bit intimidating. What did I really need to include? Which products were essential, how should I use them, and could I trust the manufacturer?

The Naturokits first aid kit was ideal for our family--it covered all the most commonly needed items with a helpful usage guide. Bonus: it is all beautifully organized into the perfect little carry bag, large enough to hold all that I needed (as well as any band-aids or other small items I wanted to add) and yet small enough to easily tuck into a diaper bag or purse.

NaturoKits was created by moms who are also licensed naturopathic physicians. They saw a need for an easily portable package that would contain all the most-needed naturopathic remedies. The Basic First Aid NaturoKit includes activated charcoal, apis, arnica, calendula, cantharis, Crisis Calm, hypericum, ledum and the Wild Weed Salve, along with a comprehensive and thoughtfully designed usage guide.

We acquired a kitten the weekend that the kit arrived, which also meant a few scratches. We used the Calendula succus to clean them and the Wild Weed Salve to help them heal. The Wild Weed Salve quickly became a favorite go-to product for us. It doesn't leave your skin sticky or super greasy, and the herbal scent was so light that it didn't bother my ultra-sensitive kidlets at all. Also, I have a toddler who immediately insists on treatment for a host of invisible ouchies as soon as she sees one of her older siblings get one. I felt comfortable giving a light swipe of the salve to her skin, which I would never have done with antibiotic ointment, and she was happily satisfied that her booboos were well-tended.



We also tried out the Crisis Calm flower essence during a particularly stressful morning. I felt much better--focused and steady, with none of the jitteriness of caffeine or the grogginess from other supplements. My eight year old, who is the most sensitive to any anxiety, came to me a little bit later with her eyes shining, telling me that she felt so relaxed. She asked me to please bring it with me to her next dental appointment so that she would be calm and not scared or worried.

I had also noticed a persistent, itchy bump on my toddler's face. It was hard to tell if it was an allergic reaction or a bug bite, but since apis is indicated for both, I gave her some. By evening, it was smaller and no longer raised or itchy. We gave her one more dose, and the next morning it was much better. We have also used arnica in the past with great success, although I haven't needed it yet from my kit.

PROS:

• The convenience. I loved having all the products I needed in one little bag.
• The variety is also an excellent assortment for my family. We travel often, and having natural remedies for stomach issues, sunburn, stings, allergic reactions, stress/anxiety and everything else is very reassuring, particularly when we will be in places where the products might not be readily available.
• I also appreciated the detailed usage guide, which is alphabetized according to each condition. It is thorough, but concise and easily navigated if you are in a hurry. For someone like me with only a beginner's knowledge of natural remedies, it is perfectly designed.

CONS:

• $75 sounds a bit expensive. However, if you priced each of the remedies on their own (and I have), I found that I would actually save a substantial amount by purchasing this kit.
• It does not include typical items like bandages or gauze. There is room to add your own, though, and since my kids like picking out special bandaids for whatever their current interests are, we prefer to add our own.

My overall opinion? The Naturokits First Aid kit is perfect if you want to cover all the basics in a natural first aid kit. We will be traveling a lot this summer, and my Naturokits bag will definitely be going with us! So, how can you get one of these yourself? Easy!

BUY IT!

You can purchase your own First Aid NaturoKis at NaturoKits for $75.00 + Shipping.

And just for Natural Parents Network and Dulce de leche readers, NaturoKits is giving a 10% discount on all orders from now until July 17, 2012. Enter code DCNPN during the ordering process.

They also offer a First Aid MiniKit for only $22.00 + Shipping that includes activated charcoal, arnica and their Wild Weed Salve, along with a detailed usage guide and cotton gift bag.

WIN IT!

For your own chance to win a First Aid NaturoKit from NaturoKits, enter by leaving a comment and using our Rafflecopter system below.

The winner will receive a First Aid NaturoKit. Contest is open worldwide.

MANDATORY ENTRY: Visit NaturoKits and tell us one thing you have learned about the company! You must enter your name and email address in the Rafflecopter entry system for your entry to count, after leaving a comment on this blog post.

Leave a valid email address so we can contact you if you win. Email addresses in Rafflecopter are not made publicly visible. Please leave the same valid email address in your mandatory comment so we can verify entries.

This is a joint giveaway with Dulce de leche and Natural Parents Network. You may enter at one site only, and we'll be recording IP addresses to ensure that there are no duplicate entries. That said, please do visit and enjoy both sites!

BONUS ENTRIES:

See the Rafflecopter entry system for bonus entries to increase your chance of winning after completing the mandatory entry. All bonus entries are entered directly into Rafflecopter. Give it a try, and email or leave a comment if you have any questions!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Contest closes July 17, 2012 at 11:59 p.m. Eastern Time.

Disclosure: Our reviewer received a sample product for review purposes. Amazon links are affiliate links. We try to seek out only products we think you would find relevant and useful to your life as a natural parent. If we don't like a product, we won't be recommending it to you. See our full disclosure policy here.