Dulce de leche

Not-So-Super Powers

2012-03-03T09:55:00.001-08:00

My little sweetlings love playing super heroes. They race around making appropriate noises for all of their pretend super powers--beeps, whirs, laser sounds, flying webs--and in their imaginations, they are capable of anything.

It turns out that my ~~mutant~~ gifted children do have amazing powers that I never imagined before becoming a mom. Sadly, these powers are not always used for good. I will refrain from labeling my own kidlets villains, but here are a few of their not-so-super powers:

Sharpie generators. I learned quickly that kids and permanent markers don't mix. At first, I merely hid the markers. When that proved ineffective, I tossed them and only purchased washable ones. Once I discovered to my dismay that the washable part of that was not a guarantee, I stopped buying them altogether. That was years ago. Despite ruthless, swift destruction of every marker that we find, they continually appear. My husband and I gaze at each other in consternation. Suspicious accusations, "Did you buy that?" followed by sincerely horrified, indignant denials have convinced both of us that our children possess a remarkable ability to replicate them out of thin air. Or possibly transform them from ordinary socks or hair clips, which always go missing.

Levitation. I used to wish I could fly, and even jumped from our (low) roof with a trash-bag parachute once. My children can do the real thing. Not always, of course. But if anything (such as the aforementioned markers, lipstick, my chocolate stash or any other forbidden object) is placed up high, they develop ninja skills more convincing than any of the old Japanese movies. Even the toddler can ascend to the top of the refrigerator in a split second.

Interruptor sensors. Forget shining the bat signal. My children have a much more reliable sensor that detects not only when I am on an important phone call or conversation, but is even attuned to the exact degree of urgency or seriousness involved. They will be happily engaged, playing quietly until it begins. Their sensor instantly alerts them. If it is a casual chat with a friend, they will have correspondingly casual questions or requests. If it is my boss or something similar, they will not rest until they have succeeded in diffusing the call, using ear-splitting shrieks as needed.
Techno prowess. I consider myself reasonably competent when it comes to electronics. Even when VCRs were common, I never had problems programming them. The digital clock on our stove always tells the correct time. My children, though, surpass me by far. They have all possessed an uncanny, infallible instinct from babyhood for pressing the precise button to delete saved programs, turn off any show a sibling was watching, and erase any document I was working on. I won't even mention the number of deleted apps. Even if they were still crawling, they would somehow use the aforementioned ninja skills to reach buttons that were, to all appearances, far out of reach. On a related note, they are also able to cause remotes to materialize and dematerialize at will.

I love and accept my children for who they are. I am a little concerned that their super powers so often seem to be used for nefarious purposes. But there is one more ability that is always used for good: they give the most powerful, loving and healing hugs in any universe. What amazing abilities do your little ones possess?

Nuestra carta sobre la disciplina Bíblica y las nalgadas

2012-02-26T16:52:00.000-08:00

Hace unos años, mi esposo y yo le escribimos esta carta a nuestro pastor sobre la crianza y disciplina de los niños. Por fin, llegamos a traducirla al español.

Estimado Pastor,

Estamos muy agradecidos por todas las maneras en que Ud. nos ha ayudado a conectar de una manera más cercana con Dios. Esto, por supuesto, ha tenido una profunda influencia en nuestra manera de criar a los niños. Sin embargo, a la luz de un sermón reciente, nos gustaría presentarle una visión cristiana alternativa de disciplinar a los niños. Los cristianos, por supuesto, son probablemente los más fuertes defensores de los castigos físicos en los EEUU. Es, según dicen, su derecho dado por Dios -- es lo que la Biblia enseña. Esto es exactamente el punto de la discordia y lo que esperamos humildemente refutar.

Tomemos el Antiguo Testamento. Algunos (nuestros hermanos cristianos más conservadores) dirían que cubre un período de cerca de 4000-10,000 años, mientras que otros (nuestros hermanos más moderados y liberales), dirían entre 10.000 hasta millones de años. Independientemente de su punto de vista al respeto, tiene que ser asombroso que no hay ningún ejemplo de una nalgada en todo el Antiguo Testamento. Esto es especialmente impresionante si tomamos en cuenta el gran porcentaje de los libros del Antiguo Testamento que son más narrativos que didácticos. También podríamos añadir que no hay ningún ejemplo de una nalgada en el Nuevo Testamento, a pesar de que el período de tiempo es significativamente menor (alrededor de 100 años) y la mayoría de los libros es didáctica y no narrativa. Sin duda, hay algunos pasajes didácticos en ambos Testamentos que pueden ser interpretados como pro-azotes, sin embargo, pueden ser interpretados desde una perspectiva diferente con buena exégesis.

¿No es extraño que una enseñanza que está tan firmemente en manos de tantos creyentes, que no haya ningún ejemplo en cualquier Testamento? Pero, aunque no hay ninguna ilustración en la narrativa bíblica de las nalgadas, si es clara y consistentemente enseñado en pasajes didácticos, entonces tenemos que aceptarlo como Dios ordenó. En el Antiguo Testamento, los únicos pasajes que pueden ser interpretados a favor de las nalgadas se encuentran en un solo libro: Proverbios. Un buen principio hermenéutico es no construir doctrina usando pasajes poéticos. Los Libros de la Sabiduría están llenos de simbolismo e hipérbole y son a menudo un obstáculo para los lectores más literales de interpretación. La "vara" en estos pasajes de Proverbios que muchos ven como una licencia para azotar es simbólico. Es palabra hebrea que se traduce a menudo como cayado de pastor o cetro de rey. Así que, si íbamos a ser más literales, una mejor traducción sería bate y no ramita! Pero eso no es la intención del autor. Esta vara es un símbolo de autoridad y guianza, como un pastor guía a sus ovejas o un rey que rige a su pueblo. Por eso el salmista pudo exclamar con alegría: "Tu vara y tu cayado me consuelan" (Salmo 23:4).

Tal vez más importante es el significado de la palabra hebrea para "hijo." En hebreo, es "na'ar," y significa un varón (nunca una niña) casi adulto, un joven con más de doce años. Hay palabras bien distintas en hebreo para cada etapa de la vida: yeled (recien nacido), yonek (un bebé que solamente toma leche), olel (todavía amamanta, pero también empieza a comer, de seis meses hasta tres años), taph (un niño que está apegado a su mamá, entre cuatro y seis años), elem (un muchacho que está creciendo para ser fuerte (hasta 12 o 13 años), na'ar (un joven que empieza a separase de sus padres) y bachur (un hombre maduro, listo para casarse).

El libro de Proverbios fue escrito principalmente para los jovenes. Por eso está lleno de consejos y temas apropiados para ellos, como la mujer extraña. No fue dirijido a los nenes chiquitos. Y los versos que hablan de la disciplina usan la parabra na'ar especificamente para ellos, no para los niños menores. Así que, en hebreo, estos versos hablan de la importancia de la autoridad y guianza en la vida de un joven casi adulto, no de nalgadas para los nenes.

Es un poco extraño que las personas que insisten en que los pasajes de un libro poético son un mandato, sin embargo, ignoran instrucciones claras de un pasaje didáctico en la Torá a matar a hijos rebeldes. (Deuteronomio 21:18-21). ¿Por qué la contradicción? Usted afirma que un pasaje es, obviamente, moralmente incorrecto. Consideramos que ambos son moralmente incorrectos, especialmente en vista de la culminación de la revelación progresiva de Dios --- Jesucristo, que nos enseñó, entre otras cosas, que a menos que lleguemos "a ser como niños pequeños" no podemos entrar en el reino de los cielos ( Mt. 18:3. Véase también Mateo 19:14). Implicación: los niños están más en sintonía con Dios que los adultos. Lo cual plantea la pregunta: ¿los injustos deben castigar a los justos?

Aunque el Antiguo Testamento es de gran valor, reconocemos que ya no estar bajo la ley cambia la forma en que se aplican algunas de las Escrituras del Antiguo Testamento a nuestra vida cotidiana. Así que, aún si las nalgadas son algo que enseña el Antiguo Testamento, no significa que son aprobadas por el Nuevo Testamento. En el Nuevo Testamento, el único pasaje que se utiliza para apoyar las nalgadas es Hebreos 12:4-6. Volviendo a la lengua original de allí, sin embargo, también cambia el significado a la importancia de la disciplina y la autoridad en la formación de un hijo, no el castigo físico. Ciertamente Dios nos disciplina, pero Él no nos golpea físicamente cuando lo hace. Lea el texto. Una exégesis adecuada muestra que las personas a favor de las nalgadas están elegiendo a leer en este pasaje el mismo punto que necesitan para probar su propio punto de vista.

Así que, si la Biblia no nos enseña a castigar con nalgadas a nuestros hijos, entonces tenemos que evaluar la disciplina de acuerdo a otros principios que la Biblia sí enseña claramente. Jesús nos enseña que tenemos dos objetivos: (1) amar a Dios con todo lo que somos y (2) tratar a los demás como nos gustaría ser tratados. No implica en ninguna parte que sus palabras no se aplican a la forma en que los adultos tratan a los niños. De hecho, las interacciones de Jesús con los niños mostraron un esfuerzo especial para darles valor a ellos y a sus sentimientos. También nos dice que cualquier cosa que le hacemos al más pequeño de estos que se lo estamos haciendo a él. ¿Puede decir honestamente que usted desea que alguien le golpee? Yo no. Puedo decir honestamente que me gustaría amorosa corrección e instrucción si estuviera haciendo algo malo, pero ser golpeado no sería una parte de ella.

El ejemplo de Jesús es que la persona con autoridad tiene una responsabilidad aún mayor para actuar en el amor que la persona bajo autoridad. Debemos demostrar el fruto del Espíritu. Pero, ¿cómo es pegar a un niño compatible con la paz, la paciencia, la bondad y gentileza? La Biblia es muy específica acerca de cómo debemos tratar con el pecado en los demás: nos enseña que en la corrección de aquellos que desobedecen a hacerlo con espíritu de mansedumbre (Gálatas 6:1). Los padres son específicamente advirtidos a no provocar a sus hijos a la ira ni a exasperación para que no se desanimen (Ef. 6:4, Col. 3:21). Cuando las personas más amadas en el mundo deliberadamente le hacen daño a su peque, es bastante desalentador,a pesar de cualquier motivo noble que ellos tengan.

La Biblia es clara en que los padres tienen la responsabilidad de disciplinar a sus hijos. Pero la disciplina y las nalgadas no son la misma cosa. La disciplina tiene que ver con la enseñanza y hacer discípulos. Es difícil para los niños a centrarse en una lección de vida, sin embargo, si están distraídos por la ira, el dolor, el miedo o la humillación y el resentimiento que se derivan de ser golpeado. Como profesores y maestros, nuestras clases de educación profesional y nuestros años de experiencia con estudiantes de muchas edades nos han convencido de que la investigación es correcta en mostrar que la gente aprende más eficazmente a través del refuerzo positivo que del castigo (refuerzo negativo).

Otro punto importante es que la mayoría de nosotros aprende mejor por un ejemplo - es por eso que Pablo nos escribió a ser imitadores de él como hijos amados. Los niños son expertos en la imitación. Demasiados niños en nuestro país están aprendiendo que la manera de responder a un ofenso es herir a la otra persona.

Reconocemos que en otras relaciones de autoridad (empleador / empleado, oficial de policía y civiles, pastor / miembro de la iglesia, el esposo / esposa) que el castigo físico no es apropiado, aun cuando la corrección es necesaria. Los niños son más vulnerables, sin duda podemos encontrar mejores maneras de corregirlos, también.

Cuando los cristianos enseñan a los padres a pegar a sus hijos, la mayoría tiene una lista de reglas sobre cómo, cuándo y con qué debe hacerlo. No hay absolutamente ninguna base bíblica para eso. Son esencialmente preferencias culturales. Siempre significa pegar a un niño con el fin de producir dolor y miedo. ¿Por qué sentimos la necesidad de crear pautas como: sólo pegarle en las nalgas o en las piernas (Proverbios nunca habla de eso--dice en la espalda para los necios, pero no habla de los hijos), sólo el X número de veces, sólo con la mano (para saber si está usando demasiada fuerza), nunca con la mano (para no crear una asociación negativa con la mano del padre). Es darle en las nalgas mejor que la práctica Waorani de abofetear a sus hijos en la cara con ortigas? ¿Por qué, si no resulta en daño permanente? Si Dios no impone un límite en el número de veces de golpear a un niño, entonces quién puede decir que pegarle nueve veces es peor que dos? Muchos adviertan que es importante no sentirse enojado al darles una nalgada. Así es por lo menos más probabe evitar una pérdida total de control y evitar lesiones físicas y graves. Sin embargo, ver a la persona a que Ud. ama más que cualquier otro decidir con calma y deliberación hacerle daño es una experiencia escalofriante.

Yo diría que la razón detrás de las normas que los cristianos crean es que nuestra conciencia nos está condenando. Estamos conscientes de que lastimar a los que son más pequeños y más débiles va en contra de la naturaleza de Cristo y sentimos la necesidad de justificar y minimizar lo que estamos haciendo en realidad.

Otra cuestión es que mientras el niño crece, las nalgadas cuestan más fuerza y más azotes para producir el mismo nivel de dolor y miedo. ¿A qué punto empieza a cruzar la línea al abuso? Por supuesto, la mayoría de los padres dejan de castigarlos físicamente una vez que el niño comience a acercarse a ellos en tamaño y madurez. Estamos de acuerdo en que entonces es más apropiado utilizar la admonición bíblica: "Venid ahora, razonemos juntos ...". Si el niño tiene edad suficiente para entender, las nalgadas no son necesarias. Si el niño es demasiado joven para hablar del asunto con sus padres y tener suficiente dominio propio a controlar sus impulsos (según las investigaciones científicas, el cerebro no es suficiente maduro para hacer tales decisiones por muchos años), entonces el niño es demasiado joven para comprender efectivamente lo que los padres están tratando de enseñar, y castigarlo es cruel y sin sentido.

La falsa dicotomía que siempre se sugiere es que si los padres no pegan a sus hijos, tampoco los disciplinan. Eso sugiere que los padres recurren a las nalgadas como su forma principal o única de la disciplina. No queremos decir que los padres sean permisivos y peresozos. La responsabilidad de los padres a disciplinar a sus hijos es grave, incluso temible. Al optar por no pegar, hemos adquirido un conocimiento más profundo de los corazones de nuestros hijos. Se nos ha desafiado a lidiar con la ira y el orgullo, y buscar la sabiduría de Dios, su paciencia y amor. Esta manera proactiva de crianza es más trabajo que simplemente reaccionar con una nalgada, pero ya las recompensas han sido grandes.

Hay muchas formas alternativas de disciplina que resultan en armonía y con renovada conexión entre el padre y el niño. Enseñar a un niño a hacer el bien es mucho más eficaz que castigarlo después por hacer el mal. Cuando nosotros como padres obedecemos a nuestra directiva para tratar a los demás como queremos ser tratados, nos da la abilidad de ver las cosas detrás de los ojos del niño y tratar con la raíz del problema y no sólo la supresión de un comportamiento externo. Es asombroso ver como rompe un ciclo de irritabilidad y frustración cuando el padre elige a disciplinar a través de la restauración de la relación. Muchos padres asumen que un "time out" es la opción por defecto si los padres no pegan a sus hijos. Sin embargo, a menudo lo que los niños necesitan es más tiempo con los padres para volver a conectar, inspirar confianza y restaurar. Sin añadir más a esta carta larga, si usted está interesado en otras maneras de disciplinar, estaremos encantados de explicar cómo manejar situaciones específicas o dirigirte a las fuentes que hemos encontrado beneficiosos.

El plan detrás de la redención es claro: Dios quiere volver a conectar con nosotros. Toda la historia de la ley muestra que sólo castigar el pecado no puede cambiar el corazón. Lo que cambia los corazones de nuestros hijos es la relación. La obediencia nace del amor y la confianza en lugar de un deseo egoísta de evitar el castigo. Si los niños obedecen simplemente por temor a ser azotado, su motivación no es justo, pero sólo centrado en sí mismo.

Como hijo de Dios, mi obediencia no se basa en el temor del castigo. No es motivado por miedo del infierno. Es porque amo a mi Padre celestial y he aprendido a confiar en él. Mis hijos están aprendiendo a obedecer por las mismas razones. Si mis hijos hacen mal y se arrepienten, pero yo les doy una nalgada, parece muy inconsistente con la forma en que Dios ha perdonado mis errores. Tengo la responsabilidad de mostrar la misma gracia a mis hijos que he recibido. Es la bondad de Dios que nos lleva al arrepentimiento, no su ira.

Hemos optado por mirar esto desde una perspectiva cristiana, pero nos parece interesante que la investigación científica está abrumadoramente en contra de las nalgadas. La Academia Americana de Pediatría, al igual que muchas otras organizaciones profesionales relacionadas con niños y la salud, ha emitido una declaración contra el castigo corporal en la base de que no es tan eficaz como refuerzo positivo y que puede ser perjudicial tanto física como emocionalmente. De hecho, hay algunos indicios de que las nalgadas se asocian con el aumento de delincuentes y antisociales, mayor riesgo de abuso y maltrato conyugal, el aumento de riesgo de agresión infantil y la agresión de adultos, la disminución de la salud mental infantil y la disminución de la salud mental de adultos. Tenga en cuenta esto a la luz de la advertencia de Jesús contra los que causan los más pequeños a tropezar. Hay más de 30 naciones, incluso Israel, que tienen leyes prohibiendo las nalgadas.

A veces es difícil discernir lo que la Biblia enseña sobre temas específicos. Usted utiliza a menudo la ilustración de Dios jugando a las escondidas con el fin de animarnos a buscarlo con todo nuestro corazón. Sobre el tema de las nalgadas, nos ha dado destellos de su corazón - la parábola del siervo despiadado (Mt 18,21-35), I Juan 4, Santiago 2:13. Ninguno de estos sugiere ignorar o excusar el pecado, pero todos nos enseñan a ser humildes y amorosos mientras intentamos mostrar a los demás, independientemente de su edad, una mejor manera.

Para terminar, escribirmos esto por nuestro respeto para usted. Sabemos que usted es alguien que tiene el coraje de mirar más allá de las respuestas fáciles y superficiales, y la integridad de tener convicciones que no son populares. Créanos, en los círculos cristianos, diciplinar sin nalgadas es equivalente a la herejía, pero es una causa muy digna. Nosotros los queremos mucho a usted y su familia y estamos agradecidos de que Dios nos ha puesto bajo su dirección espiritual. Que Dios bendiga a usted y su familia. Carlos y Dulce

The 10 Commandments for Parents: Taking His Name in Vain

2012-02-17T13:37:00.000-08:00

The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable. ~ Brennan Manning

Taking God's name in vain, in my mind, is far deeper than the words we exclaim in intense moments. The real heart of this commandment is about how we live. If we are called by His name, we need to act like Jesus would. We color our children's perception of God, and the weight of that responsibility leaves me gasping some days.

As I have mentioned before, I grew up in the ministry. Parents, grandparents and parents in law were all pastors. I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly. My husband and I have heard all the jokes and stories about preachers' kids. We know about hypocrisy and how damaging it can be.

But I stumble. So many days (every day?) I slip into self-centeredness. I feel that tightness at the corners of my mouth, hear the voice of the Accuser in an angry sigh from my own mouth. I fight to cling to gentleness when the littles are arguing, interrupting again some task I am desperate to finish...

Our youngest daughter's name means "true image". That is what we want to be to our children. A true image of love and grace, so that their vision of the Father won't be horribly distorted and clouded. I rail (justly, I think) at the hypocrisy of religious teachers who claim mercy and forgiveness through the cross for adults, but insist that children pay for their sins through spankings and punishments. Yet there are days when I want vengeance, too.

That mocking voice that jeers, "Who are you to write about parenting?" gets disturbingly loud sometimes.

The truth is that the only way to escape taking God's name in vain is to dwell in Him. To abide in the vine. That looks like relationship. Spending time together. Not in an oh-no-on-top-of-everything-else-obligatory-spiritual-quiet-time-that-I-would-look-forward-to-if-I-were-a-better-Christian way. (Shudder). Not another way to fail. It looks like the evenings when my headache eases because I am resting against Carlos' chest. Like when we laugh together and carry on a conversation despite a zillion interruptions because we know each other enough to follow along anyway. Like the times that our eyes meet and we can't help but smile. Like that.

I am convinced that if we spend enough time with Him, our clothes will start to smell like God's house. "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience..."(Col. 3:12)

I breathe in grace and put on compassion and kindness, even if they fit a bit awkwardly.

And I can trust in His power at work in my life that is helping me grow into His image and likeness.

Taking someone's name is about becoming family. What I want my children to see is that relationship. Jesus said that we would be recognized as His because of love. As a daughter of God, a mother to my children and a sister to them in Christ (why isn't this aspect talked about more in Christian parenting circles?), I want love to permeate every aspect of our days, to clothe all our interactions so that they never have to wonder if I have taken that name in vain.

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;Because I &amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

Because I can't be the only one who gets this song stuck in my head whenever I read the opening quote to this post. ;)

Journey to Gentle Discipline: Guest Post from Momma on a Mission

2012-02-16T13:02:00.000-08:00

I am always so excited to hear of other journeys to gentle discipline. It is especially cool when it happens through the Holy Spirit and friends of mine. I am so grateful both to Anna and Guggie for their friendship, inspiration and all that I learn from them. You make my life richer! <3

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I'm pretty new to the concept of non-punitive parenting. Finding my way here has been a long, difficult, and frustrating road for me, but I feel like I've finally come home! I'm going to share a little bit of my story with you today, but just the condensed version because there's something else I want to share with you too.

I grew up in a very pro-spanking home. We were taught that spanking was God's plan, and the only way to raise kids to be Godly adults. So when I became an adult and started having kids of my own, I naturally carried that belief forward with me. Even as I started to question what I'd been taught about birth, breastfeeding, food, women's roles and just about everything else, spanking somehow slid under the radar, safe in it's little pigeonhole in my mind. I thought I was doing something good and "modern" by being open to using other tools too, and saying that different things worked for different kids, and maybe spanking wasn't right for everyone. I definitely thought it was still right for us though!

A couple of months after my son was born, I became friends with Guggie Daly on Facebook. If you know Guggie, you know she's a strong advocate for anything relating to mothers' and child's rights. She's constantly sharing information and starting the most interesting discussions. I liked her! Finally- someone who believed the way I did about birth and breastfeeding! And she seemed to take things to the next level too- I learned so much from her those first couple of months. I also noticed that she was very much anti-spanking. I'd see her post things that spoke out against spanking, or tried to show a different way, and I thought it was a little misguided. I was okay with that though! I told myself that I didn't have to agree with everything that Guggie believed in to be her facebook friend. Just agree to disagree, right? I told myself that she just probably didn't know what the Bible said about spanking, or that she'd taken this hippie thing a little too far. When she'd post something about spanking, I'd usually chuckle to myself and move on.

Until one day, what seemed like out of the blue, I started to struggle within myself about the issue. My heart just couldn't handle spanking my daughter anymore. I still believed in it in my head, but my heart couldn't handle it anymore- and I was totally shocked by that. I had no idea what was going on or what to do with those feelings. I felt like a horrible mother, and some days I felt like I just hated being a mom. I had so looked forward to having kids, and this was not what I expected at all. I lived in a miserable state of limbo, until one day I was on Facebook and Guggie had gone on a positive parenting posting spree again. I knew something about what I was doing had to change, so I took a chance and clicked on one of the links. And for the first time, something clicked in my mind. It was like a light bulb had been turned on. I truly believe it was the Lord that had lead me to that time and place. I finished one article, and clicked to the next, and the next, and the next. And I knew that something permanent had been done in my heart.

Image credit ericmcgregor on Flickr

As they say, the rest is history. Actually, more like history in the making. I've come a long way, but I still have so much to learn. One of the coolest things about the whole process has been watching how God has worked in my heart and even spoken to me directly a time or two. There's one experience in particular I don't think I'll ever forget, and that is what I want to share with you. It had been a particularly rough day, and I was nearing the end of my patience. My kiddos(I have a 3.5 year old and an almost 2 year old) were playing together as I was trying to get something done. I heard my younger one start to cry, and I rushed into the room to separate them for what seemed like the thousandth time. My daughter was nearly on top of my son, pulling on his shirt as he tried to get away. I was so frustrated that I quickly grabbed her up, set her down harshly on the bed, and started yelling at her, "Don't do that! You need to stop. making. him. cry!!!" As her little face melted into tears, I heard the Holy Spirit speak softly into my heart:

"No, you need to stop making her cry."

That cut me to my core. I do need to stop making her cry. And I am. I'm working every day to learn how to be a gentle, loving mother that reflects Christ's love to my children. I'm not perfect, but I'm learning and growing. And for the first time in a long time, I don't feel like a failure as a mother.

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Anna blogs at Momma on a Mission, where she shares her heart and her efforts to build a healthy and happy life for her family. She's blessed to have been married for almost 7 years, and to be a mother to a 2 year old son and 3.5 year old daughter. Anna's interested in all things attachment parenting, but her two biggest passions are birth and breastfeeding. She hopes to be a doula or midwife someday, and to help women during one of the most amazing moments this life has to offer.

The Tightrope : Generations, Cultures and Choices

2012-02-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the February 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting:

Respectful Interactions With Other Parents

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have focused on how we can communicate with other parents compassionately.

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Growing up between two cultures gives you a lot of practice in balance. And once you become a parent, you may find you are spending more time than ever on the tightrope.

How do you keep from falling when you are trying to forge a new path as parents, especially when your own parents disapprove of your choices?

Image credit Tom Raftery on Flickr

Much of the advice that I have read seems callous and patronizing. In a culture where you move out once you hit 18, may only speak with your parents once a week or so, if you have a good relationship, where outside baby sitters are the norm and independence is prized, there seems to be little understanding of our view of familia or the importance of closeness with the abuelitos and the heartache on both sides at conflict in the relationship.

We don't have that safety net of distance. The line between extended family and nuclear family gets blurred a bit when you take for granted that you will see each other weekly, as well as for every family birthday and all holidays. It is just understood that eventually your parents will move in with you as they age and need more care. We talk on the phone every day. We don't even have a baby sitter who isn't familia. And we want all this.

Parenting Differently

I didn’t set out to do things differently than my parents. I thought that they did a pretty good job with me and we have a good relationship. But the more I read and studied, talked things over with my husband and prayed, the more we were led to our own path.

On the surface, we made opposite choices on just about everything from birth to breastfeeding to sleep training to discipline. At times I felt torn between my convictions about parenting and distress at the idea of hurting our parents or seeming disrespectful.

I wanted to have my parents’ approval and for them to understand the reasons behind our choices. In fact, my eagerness had me bombarding them with every fragment of research and information I could find. I filibustered like a practiced politician on vaccination, homebirth, circumcision and gentle discipline. Deep down, I hoped that hearing all of the research and knowledge that went into my choices would help. Instead, I suspect that at times it came across as saying that they were ignorant.

I also found that many non-Hispanic friends didn’t seem to understand how agonizing it could be — most advice just seemed to suggest putting my foot down and saying, “I am the parent and you had your chance. Now you have to do things my way.” I didn’t just want the bottom line to be that we did what we wanted. I wanted to make sure our relationship wasn’t damaged.

I wanted my kids to grow up close to their abuelitos, and to trust them in their care without conflict. I wanted my parents and in-laws to know that we honored and respected them, but I also wanted them to do things our way. That is a lot to ask.

One of the most helpful things was listening, really listening, as my mom shared stories about my childhood. Some of the choices that she made went against her own heart. Like most of us, she was relying on experts around her to help her mother. When they told her that the only way babies would learn to sleep was if they were left to cry, or that breastfeeding was worthless after six months, or that children must be spanked, she sacrificed her own instincts to do what she thought was right. Being able to affirm her heart and her instincts helped both of us.

It also helps to find ways to validate their desires. Is your suegra really just not happy unless someone is eating? Does she just want a chance to hold the baby for a minute or to feel like her advice is useful? Then give it to her. Try: “Thanks, but I’m waiting on solid food right now. But I would love for you to share the recipe with me!” or ”I bet she would love to have you sing her that old lullaby that you used to sing to her papi.” Or: ”Could you burp him for me?”

Even more meaningful may be finding ways to thank your parents for the things that they did right in raising you, and remind them that they helped you to become the loving, confident parent you are now. They need to hear that they are good parents, just like we do.

Honor and Healthy Boundaries

There are still areas where we disagree, though. In fact, most of them. And it is very, very hard to hold healthy boundaries. I would much rather avoid bringing up disagreements. There are some things where I have decided that it won’t hurt my children to know that good people don’t always do things the same way (food, praise). There are others where I feel that I have to protect them (car seats, spanking). It is awkward and even painful at times. However, how can I teach my children about healthy ways to handle disagreements and standing firm in their convictions if they don’t see me practice it?

I know that my parents love me and their nietos with all their hearts. Even when we disagree, our motives are the same.

The truth is that almost always, we are making the best choices we can for our families. My parents did. And so did their parents. Another thing that I learned was that my parents chose to be kinder and more gentle with us than their own parents were with them. That is not a criticism of my grandparents, who are wonderful people and full of love. But, my grandparents also were kinder, better parents to my parents than their parents were to them. Each generation has grown progressively more gentle.

My choices are not a statement against my parents. Rather, it is thanks to their way of parenting me that I was able to have greater tools and resources to parent my own children even more gently.

We are going to slip off of that tightrope and fall as parents sometimes. Real life is just messy like that. But we can honor our parents and help our children to develop close relationships, even when we choose to do things in a different way. And shared love for our children and each other is a wonderful safety net.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 14 with all the carnival links.)

How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment — At Natural Parents Network, Amy (of Peace 4 Parents) offers some ways to deal with parenting advice and criticism, whether it's from your mom or the grocery store clerk.
Judgement is Natural - Just Don't Condemn — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shared her views on why judgment is unavoidable and why the bigger issue is condemnation.
Four Ways To Share Your Parenting Philosophy Gently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares tips for communicating with fellow parents in a positive, peaceful manner.
When Other Parents Disagree With You — Being an attachment parent is hard enough, but when you are Lily, aka Witch Mom, someone who does not enforce gender roles on her kid, who devalues capitalism and materialism, and instead prefers homeschooling and homesteading — you are bound to disagree with someone, somewhere!
Mama Bashing — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on the hurt caused on the blogosphere by mama bashing and pleads for a more mindful way of dealing with differences.
Accentuate the Positive — Joella at Fine and Fair shares how she manages interactions with the parents she encounters in her work as a Parent Coach and Substance Abuse Counselor by building trusting relationships and affirming strengths.
The politics of mothers – keys to respectful interactions with other parents — Tara from MUMmedia offers great tips for handling the inevitable conflict of ideas and personalities in parenting/mother's groups, etc.
Trying to build our village — Sheila at A Gift Universe tells how she went from knowing no other moms in her new town to building a real community of mothers.
Internet Etiquette in the Mommy Wars — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how she handles heated topics in the "Mommy-space" online.
Parenting with Convictions — Sarah at Parenting God's Children encourages love and support for fellow parents and their convictions.
How To Be Respectful Despite Disagreeing On Parenting Styles... — Jenny at I'm a Full-Time Mummy shares her two cents' worth on how to have respectful interactions with other parents despite disagreeing on parenting styles.
Public Relations — Momma Jorje touches on keeping the peace when discussing parenting styles.
Navigating Parenting Politics — Since choosing an alternative parenting style means rejecting the mainstream, Miriam at The Other Baby Book shares a few simple tips that can help avoid hurt feelings.
Hiding in my grace cave — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to forget that not all parents are as respectful and tolerant as the people with whom she now surrounds herself.
Carnival of Natural Parenting - Respectful Interactions with Other Parents — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores how her attitude has changed regarding sharing information and opinions with others and how she now chooses to keep the peace during social outings.
Empathy and respect — Helen at zen mummy tries to find her zen in the midst of the Mummy Wars.
Not Holier Than Thou — Amyables at Toddler in Tow muses about how she's learned to love all parents, despite differences, disagreements, and awkward conversations.
Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment reflects on the choice to not take offense as the key to honest and open communication.
Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes about using her parenting philosophy as a guide to dealing with other parents who make very different choices from her.
Homeschooling: Why Not? — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how parents can often make homeschooling work for their family even if, at first glance, it may seem daunting.
If You Can’t Say Something Nice… — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells her philosophy for online and offline interactions … a philosophy based primarily on a children’s movie.
Different Rules for Different Families — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how differences between families affect our children, and how that can be a good thing.
Respectful Interaction With Other Parents — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares the ways she surrounds herself with a like-minded support network, so that she can gently advocate in her dealings with those whose opinions on parenting differ vastly from her own.

Parenting as a mirror — Rather than discrediting others' parenting styles, Kate Wicker discusses why she tries to focus on doing right rather than being right — and why she’s also not afraid to show others that she’s a heartfelt but imperfect mama just trying to be the best mom for her family.
The One Thing {Most} Parents Have In Common: They Try Their Best — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry finds interacting with other parents easier once she accepts that they are all just trying their best, just like her.
Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions.
Speaking Up For Those Who Can't — We've all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you're stunned into silence. Afterwards, you go home and think "Gosh, I wish I said…" This post by Arpita at Up Down, And Natural is for all the breastfeeding mamas who have thought "Gosh, I wish I said…"
Thank you for your opinion — Gaby at Tmuffin shares her go-to comment when she feels like others are judging her parenting style.
Mending — A playground conversation about jeans veers off course until a little mending by Kenna at Million Tiny Things is needed.
The Thing You Don't Know — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about what she believes is one of the most important things you can consider when it comes to compassionate communication with other parents.
3 Tips for Interacting with Other Parents Respectfully When You Disagree with Them — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about respectful interactions on her parenting journey.
Peacefully Keeping My Cool: Quotes from Ana — How do you keep your cool? Ana from Pandamoly shares some of her favorite retorts and conversation starters when her Parenting Ethos comes into question.
Kind Matters — Carrie at Love Notes Mama discusses how she strives to be the type of person she'd want to meet.
Doing it my way but respecting your highway. — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle is determined to walk with her family on the road less travelled whether you like it or not!
Saying "I'm Right and You're Wrong" Seldom Does Much To Improve Your Cause... — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how living by example motivates her actions and interactions with others.
Have another kid and you won't care — Cassie of There's a Pickle in My Life, after having her second child, knows exactly how to respond to opposing advice.
Ten Tips to Communicate Respectfully, Even When You Disagree — What if disagreements with our partners, our children or even complete strangers ultimately led to more harmony and deeper connections? They can! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares ten tips to strengthen our relationships in the midst of conflict.
A Little Light Conversation — Zoie at TouchstoneZ explains why respect needs to be given to every parent unconditionally.
Why I used to hide the formula box — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen finally talks about how judgement between parents changed her views on how she handles differences in parenting.
Assumptions — Nada at minimomist discusses how not everyone is able to nurse, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
Shushing Your Inner Judgey McJudgerson — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction knows that judging others is easy to do, but recognizing that we all parent from different perspectives takes work.
Respectfully Interacting with Others Online — Lani at Boobie Time Blog discusses the importance of remaining respectful behind the disguise of the internet.
Presumption of Good Will — Why — and how — Crunchy Con Mommy is going to try to assume the best of people she disagrees with on important issues.
Being Gracious with Parenting Advice — Tips for giving and receiving parenting advice with grace from Lisa at My World Edenwild.
Explain, Smile, Escape — Don't know what to do when you're confronted by another parent who disagrees with you? Amy at Anktangle shares a story from her life along with a helpful method for navigating these types of tricky situations (complete with a handy flow chart!).
Balancing Cultures and Choices — Dulce de leche discusses the challenges of walking the tightrope between generations while balancing cultural and family ties.
Linky - Parenting Peacefully with Social Media — Hannabert's Mom discusses parenting in a social media world.

The Practice of Breathing in Grace

2012-02-06T06:20:00.000-08:00

There is tremendous, life-giving power in being enjoyed. But it is difficult to lay hold of sometimes. How many of us are still struggling to believe even now that God actually enjoys us? How easy is it to water down our perception of extravagant love to mean He tolerates us? I want my children to know they are enjoyed. Loved AND liked. Even that I delight in them, so that they will believe in their heart of hearts that their Heavenly Father delights in them, too. So that they can know the height and breadth and the depth of Christ's love for us.

Shame is ugly. It preys and gnaws on our hearts. So in the practice of enjoying my children I must guard against becoming the voice of shame that will whisper to them thirty years from now that they are disappointing. The rolled eyes and exasperated sigh at yet another mess to clean up. The pursed lips, flared nostrils and accusing gaze. Oh, I am so guilty! And it breaks my heart because some days, despite all I want to be and believe, I still hear the voice of the Accuser in my own. Those are the days when I must deliberately apologize, acknowledge to them that I was wrong and speak Truth and Life over their hearts, to do my best to help heal the wounds I inflicted with a hard focus on temporal things instead of that which is eternal.

I am learning to breathe in grace. To inhale a deep lungful of tenderness. I'm not as consistent as I want to be yet, but these are my baby steps:

Renewing my mind. Learning what age appropriate behavior looks like, and gentle ways to help teach.

Surrounding myself with voices of grace. Making sure my newsfeed is full of encouragement for gentle parenting. Avoiding punitive, shame filled sources. I find that the things I read stay with me, regardless of my conscious thoughts about it.

Self care (I get reeeeeally grouchy if I don't get enough protein). Also? I self-medicate with copious amounts of coffee and chocolate. I am OK with that.

Silent talk my way through old recordings. You know the ones. Those phrases that automatically playback, maybe even from your own childhood. "You know better than that! I can't believe that you... Do you understand me?!" Force yourself to be silent while those thoughts pass through your mind, and once they are out of the way you can focus on productive ways to respond.

Stop, look, and listen. Stop playing with the phone or computer (ouch!). Look at their eyes. That's a big one for me. If I can hold eye contact long enough I start to really see them. Listen. Closely enough to be able to repeat it and ask questions, not just nodding and Mhmm-ing. They always have something to say that is worth listening to.

Go someplace. Just getting out of the house helps sometimes, especially if it means a guaranteed 15 minutes of calm driving time without anyone climbing on me. By the time we reach out destination I am usually recharged. (And yes, I often play a CD, either soothing or loud enough to drown out any fussing). Sunshine is always a plus, but any change in scenery is usually good.

Change your perception. I used to look at the clock every time the baby woke and start calculating complicated formulas of how much sleep I had gotten or could possibly get. If x = the number of minutes it takes to get back to sleep, and y = the time when I have to get up....argh! I don't even like math! Once I started reveling in that peaceful time as the quietest time of the day, a moment to breathe in the scent of my baby's head as she nursed, to pour out my soul to God and listen to His heartbeat, it transformed the resentment and frustration into moments of rest and peace.

Be silly. Let loose your inner goofball! Sometimes (Always) it is a little corny, but it is still fun. I am not especially creative. And I am a dismal failure at craftsy stuff. But I can sing nonsense songs off-key, do silly voices and funny faces. Also? They aren't super critical, yet. If I indoctrinate them early, maybe they will always appreciate my Bill Cosby wannabe attempts.

Focus on what you want to be, not fear of failure. Remind yourself of what your long-term goals are, not just how you feel in the moment. 20 years from now, what will matter? Not the carpet. But what I taught her about handling mistakes--her own and others'-- will.

Let your kids coach you--tell them to speak up if you slip.

Make it a practice to speak words of blessing over them daily. And when you talk to them or about them, assign positive intent--instead of imagining evil motives, think of how you would approach a dear friend in the same situation.

Make amends when you do mess up. Apologize specifically and work on ways to restore connection and relationship.

My kids are enjoyable. In fact, they are full of awesome. It really isn't hard to enjoy them. But I do need to be mindful of how I parent so that they will know how much I enjoy them. So that the voice they hear inside as adults isn't one of sighing or shame, but one of delight, affirmation, joy and truth.

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This post was written for the Carnival of the Practices of Parenting by one of the most inspirational, brilliant writers out there, Sarah Bessey at Emerging Mummy. Her posts always are filled with the fragrance of grace. Please visit and read all of the other linked posts! I know you will find chocolate for your heart there.

Wifely Submission, Part IV: What God has Joined Together

2012-02-04T13:37:00.000-08:00

What does Jesus teach about Godly marriage? As with many other topics, He was succinct.

Jesus answered, "Haven't you read that he who created in the beginning made people male and female and said, 'for this reason a person will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife and the two will become a single body? Thus they are no longer two but a single body. So then what God has united, no one is to break apart!" ~ Mt. 19:4-6 The Source

Jesus was reinforcing God's original design. Unity. Echad. Plural oneness. There is no tearing asunder into a strict hierarchy here: for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and become the spiritual leader of his family, and his wife shall joyfully obey. Nope. Jesus' focus was on two becoming one.

Holding hands, shared vision. <3

Joining together brings a picture of both partners moving in the same direction at the same time, a mutual coming together. Not a picture of one partner dragging a lesser partner. Not even a picture of one partner leading a willing follower. What I see in a Godly marriage is both partners joining together in seeking after God.

It is also interesting to note that every time the disciples looked for hierarchy and recognition of their position over someone else, Jesus blasted that notion to smithereens. He told them over and over with words and actions that trying to decide who was over another person was missing the point entirely. Instead of trying to dominate, they should serve each other with humility.

I know a lot of people want to establish hierarchy in marriage. They want to insist that men be over women. I suspect that they, too, are grasping at a worldly model. There is nothing in the Gospels to indicate that Jesus wanted marriage to be a hierarchy. His goal was oneness. Joining together.

What about different roles? I have heard some argue that while both man and wife are equal in value, they have different roles. The problem is that they then go on to define those roles for all men and women. And somehow it turns out that the role for men is always over the woman. That whole separate but equal thing? In my experience, it is pretty much the same as it was for racists fighting the Civil Rights movement--an empty platitude for maintaining the rights of one group over another while claiming not to. If one has power and the other doesn't, it isn't equal.

The bottom line to me is that from Creation through the Gospels, God's design is for shared vision and unity. There is no indication whatsoever that His plan involves a hierarchy--everything that we have looked at so far would indicate that the idea of only the wife submitting is a distortion of God's image. But wait! What about Ephesians? Other passages in the New Testament? We will tackle those soon. ;) In the meantime, let's focus on what true unity means, and rejoice in being joined together.

Wifely Submission, Part I
Wifely Submission, Part II: Before The Fall
Wifely Submission, Part III: The Fall

Image credit: nessa k on Flickr

The Power of Words--Guest Post by Becky Eanes of Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond

2012-01-31T06:02:00.000-08:00

Image credit: edenpictures on Flickr

The Bible has much to say about the power of our tongues. As parents, we have an incredible opportunity to build our children up and to speak blessings into their lives, but so often we fall into the habit of constantly correcting our children or having sharp tongues when we speak to them. When we nitpick, find fault, and criticize our children, we destroy their self–image, and with our negative words, we will open a door, allowing the enemy to bring all sorts of insecurity and inferiority into our child's life. Such negative words will cause our children to lose the sense of value God has placed within them.

There are many verses in Proverbs relating to the power of our words. Here are a few.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. Proverbs 18:21

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. Proverbs 16:24

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. Proverbs 15:4

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Proverbs 17:27

It’s interesting that Romans 12:14 tells us: Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.

If we are to bless those who persecute us, how much more so should we bless our children? I believe our parenting will be profoundly impacted if we study on these scriptures as it relates to how we talk to those whom God has entrusted us with.

Ephesians 4:29 (ESV) tells us: Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Let us be reminded to encourage and build up our children, to intentionally look for and point out their good qualities. Let us be reminded to guard the words that come out of our mouths, that they may only be used to build them up and give them grace.

Psychology is catching up with what the Bible has already taught us, that if we continually speak negative words to our children, their self-concept will be adversely affected. They see themselves as they believe we see them, and they behave according to that self-concept.

If we choose to discourage our children, to speak negativity and destruction into their lives, we will give an account to the Lord.

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak. Matthew 12:36 (ESV)

With authority comes responsibility, and we have the responsibility as the spiritual authority over our children to make sure that they feel loved, accepted, and approved. Speak blessings over your children daily. Words are powerful both for the one who speaks them and the one who receives them.

Saying a blessing out loud empowers our children to step into their calling. This intentional act has the power to transform their lives and set them on the right path. Ask God to give you the exact words to share with each of your children, and make time each day to speak this blessing over them. The blessing may look like this:

I bless your life as I know you will become a wonderful woman/man of God. I bless your mind to remain sound and for you to have wisdom and discernment in all decisions. I bless your mouth where words of truth and encouragement will flow. I bless your heart to remain loyal to God’s will for your life. I love everything about you, and I am proud to be your mother. You bless our family and your friends in so many ways.

When we start speaking this over our children, I believe we set them up for success. No matter how young or old your children are, you can bless them with your words. You can bless them in the crib or bless them when they bring their families to visit you at Christmas. As their parent, your words are powerful regardless of their age.

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Becky Eanes is the founder of positive-parents.org and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond on Facebook. She lives with her husband and 2 young sons. She is also one of my heroes. My family and I have been incredibly blessed by the grace and truth in her writings, and I am so very honored to have her share this post. <3

The 10 Commandments for Parents: No Graven Image

2012-01-29T12:41:00.000-08:00

I suspect that Jesus had colic. That He didn't sleep through the night at 12 weeks, and probably not even at 12 months. That He made messes and spilled things. That He tantrumed some days. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if He had difficulty meeting all the milestones that parents obsess over and struggled in school. The Bible doesn't say, of course, but I am reasonably sure that He was not an easy baby, or even an easy child. Nothing else about His life was easy.

I also believe He never sinned. But for some parents, reconciling that statement with the previous paragraph is hard, because our society has created a graven image of the perfect baby/child. A *good* baby or child is one that is convenient. Who doesn't bother you or take away attention from more important matters (the more important matters being the parent's interests, free time, and above all, sleep). Who only garners attention for cuteness and excelling in academics and athletics. Who is quiet and plays independently, but is still socially sophisticated.


Um, I make muffins? Does that count?

My mental models weren't limited to my children. I was sure in the beginning that I would be a together mom. You know the kind (well, maybe you do--I have never actually met her, but I have heard of her and seen pictures). I would make sure to keep myself, my child and my home looking nice. I would maintain the same level of availability and energy for all of my pre-motherhood relationships. My child would always be perfectly behaved, and sleep through the night in her own room, because I would be the practically perfect in every way Mary Poppins mom who never tilted the wrong way from the perfect balance of kindness and firmness. As she grew older and we had more children, I would competently make sure that their behavior was above reproach, and that no child ever felt left out. I would delightedly homeschool with creative and enjoyable lessons, always prepare delicious and healthy meals, and my darlings would never fight amongst themselves. I would be able to do it all, do it all well, and do it consistently. :laughs to the point of wiping tears.

The other graven images I had? That the Bible instructs parents to spank, that we must vigilantly guard against defiance and backtalk, that we must always be consistent and always present a united front. That we are all sinners in the hands of an angry God. They were all based off of popular opinion in our culture, but not real Truth.

Graven images are deadly. They destroy relationships, leaving behind only an atrophied, hollow, wooden shell of the life that they are supposed to represent. We are cautioned not to allow the world to squeeze us into its mold, to not conform to the graven images of our culture. Trying to force ourselves or our children to fit into the little boxes we have created only brings shame and heartache. But what about ideals? What is the difference?

For me, the problem was in the priorities. Relationship always needs to come first. That usually involves a lot of stripping away of the outer things that we look at and measure by. Another thing? Convenience and long term goals are rarely compatible. So we have to get rid of our little household gods and decide what (and Who) truly is worthy of our allegiance and our energy.

Knocking down those graven images is tough. Nobody likes to admit that they were wrong. But it is still worth the effort. They need to be replaced with reality. For religious misconceptions, it means examining the Scripture, studying to correctly handle the word of truth (which requires delving more deeply than a passing glance to make sure that it confirms our own biases. A Hebrew lexicon--not concordance--can be very helpful.). For other things, it may mean research into child development and mental health.

The beautiful thing? Despite the messiness, the lack of airbrushed perfection of real life, it is just that: real. Not fake, hypocritical pretense. Life. Not a cold, empty statue of a false god. My kids shattered the mold that I had envisioned for them. I never attained all the standards I set for myself. But that is OK, because it turns out that God is far bigger than the stern, tiny box I wanted to confine Him to. He is full of mercy and grace upon grace. He is a God of restoration, who lifts us and heals us. A God of abundant Life.

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Use Your Words

2012-01-27T08:39:00.000-08:00

"Be careful."
"Be good."
"Be nice."
"No!"

In this case, "Be careful!" means "Stay still."

What do these mean to a 20 month old? If you stop and think about it, phrases like these are vague, at best. Does "be careful" mean to walk slowly? Avoid a hot stove? Climb down from the furniture? Not spill the juice? Touch the vase gently? For a toddler, even an older child, it will probably require considerable experimentation to figure out exactly what it means in a given situation.

Sadly, that experimentation and desire to understand runs a grave risk of resembling disobedience or defiance. I can picture a little one thinking, "Yeah! I've heard 'be careful' before! Maybe I'll get it this time. Is it stop jumping?" He turns to his mom with a grin and a twinkle--only to get scolded as the food slips from his plate. And she sighs to her friends, "He grinned at me right before he did it. I know he is defying me on purpose."

What about "be good" and "be nice"? Do they mean to be quiet? To share toys? To stop fussing? How do they know? (And I will go ahead and say that I think all babies are good and nice, regardless of their behavior).

"No" is probably the worst of the examples, and one whose reputation is most grossly misunderstood. I've heard parents who think that avoiding the use of "no" means to be permissive and indulgent. That isn't what I am talking about. I do believe that being part of our family means consideration in the way we set up our house, and that setting them up for success is important. But there will be times when a child's will must be thwarted (although a wise parent can often find ways to meet everyone's needs in a pleasant way). Anyway, my point is that saying "no" is generally poor communication.

Image credit binkle_28 on Flickr

For one thing, it is ridiculously overused, and that breeds contempt. Much more importantly, a young child's ability to process language means that the "no" is often lost in whatever words follow it. So a toddler hears "hitting" instead of "no hitting". Even adults are susceptible. If I say, "Don't think of dancing monkeys," what just popped into your mind?

Another one that people of all ages struggle with is being overwhelmed with too much at once. Have you ever studied a foreign language? Have you ever felt frustration mount as you frantically try to grasp the meaning of a word or phrase as the speaker just keeps going? English (or Spanish or whatever you speak) is still a foreign language to little ones. They are still working at comprehension of even basic terms (does your toddler ever mix up pronouns? Use the wrong form of the past tense?), and too many instructions strung together are going to blur.

The answer for all of these is the same: give simple, precise instructions for what you do want. Instead of telling a child what not to do and hoping that they magically invent a better alternative, focus on what you do want them to do. Be specific and brief. "Walk slowly." "Feet on the floor." "Freeze." "Gentle touches." It takes a lot of practice, for us as well as the kidlets. And of course, as they get older, their understanding increases. Even so, the way we speak makes a difference in their focus.

Tone of voice is an important tool, too. Some parents use the right words but with a scary voice that distracts from the message. Others seem to assume that gentle discipline means saying everything in a syrupy, sing-song voice (often with superfluous sprinklings of "sweetie," "honey," "darling," and "OK?"). That would drive me batty within seconds, and confuse my kids to no end. It really is hard to hear ourselves, though. Ask a partner to listen to how your tone of voice comes across, or even tape yourself sometime. It can be very enlightening! (Have you ever listened to your voice on an answering machine and thought that is sounds different? It is even more true when you examine tone of voice and content!).

It is so easy to tell our children to use their words. Honestly, though, we adults have a lot of learning to do when it comes to words, too. It starts with giving clear instructions. Keeping our directions simple and precise. Telling what *to* do, not just what *not* to do. Making sure that our tone of voice doesn't distract from the message. As we practice, we will become much more fluent communicators.

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Moving away from punitive parenting requires a brand new set of tools. Let's open it up together! For the rest of the series, click here. And if gentle discipline is revealing areas where you need to work on yourself, see if any of these personal tools resonate with you.

Looking for more practical tips? Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!), Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog. Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this? Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond. If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

The 10 Commandments for Parents: No Other Gods

2012-01-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

Image credit Maxwell Hamilton

One of the best things about becoming a mom is finding new depth and riches in Scripture. I have thought a lot about how the Beatitudes apply to parents, and last night I began to think of how important the ten commandments are in our relationships with our children.

The very first says, "You shall have no other gods before Me". But idolatry is still alive and well within the Church. When we hear about it, it is usually in reference to possessions, greed and general priorities. That is important. But there is another form of idolatry that many in the church actually encourage: setting up parents as idols to children.

There is a teaching that pervades Christianity that essentially teaches that children will never learn to follow God unless they first see their parents as gods. Under this reasoning, children are expected to obey without question. ~~Worship~~ Respect for parents is paramount, and even mere thoughts that might be out of line are considered defiance.

Some, like Tripp and Pearl, take it even further: by spanking a child, they are able to remove the child's sin and guilt (Jesus could have saved Himself a lot of hassle if He had just gotten more parents to hit their kids!).

Stated this way, it sounds kind of extreme. But I have heard countless parents use these very arguments. Children must learn to obey parents so that they will someday be able to obey God. That a spanking absolves guilt, and that in fact, a child will ask for a spanking or punishment to relieve his conscience. Not to mention all the times that I have heard parents claim omniscience and assume that they know exactly what is going through the heart, mind and emotions of the child. I believe that this is setting ourselves up as idols for our children--taking a position that should only belong to God.

It goes even further. Most parents are far more harsh and demanding than God is. First time obedience with a happy heart is very popular with them. God, on the other hand, was more concerned about real, from the heart obedience, even if it took awhile. Read the parable of the brothers in Matthew 21. Consider times when Abraham and other heroes of faith argued with God and it was accounted to them as righteousness. God actually had some pretty strong things to say about those who complied outwardly but whose hearts were far from Him. I believe that there is even a blessing in wrestling with God, in holding tight until we can choose Him without any reservations.

When we tell our children that they cannot be forgiven without a spanking or other punishment, we are clearly violating Scripture. We are forgiven through grace because of faith in Jesus--not because someone else punishes us. Yes, I know that many have made God into their own image and claim that He spanks us. I don't buy it. And, even if He did, my point here is that we are not God. He is all-knowing and just. We aren't. Vengeance belongs to God, not us. And He said and shows us that mercy triumphs over judgement. What message are we sending our children?

This applies to shaming, as well. It is one thing to teach our children about the consequences of their actions. It is quite another to try to induce feelings of guilt and repentance. Conviction comes through the Holy Spirit and leads to a wholehearted desire to make amends and change. If I try to heap shame on them and make them feel bad for mistakes, to force them to be sorry, I am not only getting in the way of that, but actually taking on the role of Satan--the Accuser. That is a sobering thought.

Another way that parents set themselves up as idols is through a pretense of perfection. I struggle. I make mistakes. And I need to be honest with my children about it. I apologize when I do something wrong (much more often than I wish!). I let them know when I make mistakes, and do my best to make amends.

Finally, we have the progression all wrong. Obedience is a result of relationship, not a prerequisite. As our children grow in grace and wisdom, the relationship and trust will produce the desire and confidence to listen to our instructions. Demanding compliance in the hopes that it will eventually allow them to earn a relationship with us is backwards. God lavished love on us even while we were sinners.

I want my children to worship God, not me. I don't want them to see me as the intermediary between them and God. I want them to know Him for themselves. To follow Him out of hearts full of love and trust. To repent from wrongdoing because they desire to do what is right, not because I have burdened them with shame and fear. I cannot, must not, set myself up as an idol to my children.

For My Friends with Weaning Regret

2012-01-19T13:44:00.000-08:00

When I post about breastfeeding older children, I expect criticism. Hate mail, even. What I didn't expect was to receive so many emails and comments from friends who regret weaning.

For many, it was a result of pregnancy. Either misinformation or lack of information about nursing during pregnancy. For others, it was simply too miserable to continue. Some had health reasons for stopping. Some found it too difficult to keep pumping. Some simply reached the point where they were done. The reasons are individual to each nursing dyad, but that doesn't make them invalid.

I want to make something clear. I don't blame you for weaning. I am not here to make you feel sad, or worse, like a lousy mom. You aren't.

You know why I post about the tender, mother-Mary-halo moments of breastfeeding? Sure, they are frequent and real. But I post about them so that I will remember and focus and not get overwhelmed by the teeth-clenching, stop-touching-me-PLEASE! moments. The moments when I am fed up with food allergies and just want to eat what I like FOR ONE FREAKIN' DAY! The moments when my toddler's latch got lazy again and I feel irritated and sore and will scream if she does that latch-and-lick-for-a-split-second one more time. Ahem.

Breastfeeding is wonderful, truly. Those blissful moments are real, too. But I don't want to romanticize the whole idea of breastfeeding into some soft-focus commercial of a gently smiling earth mama gazing tenderly at her newborn as the way it is all the time. That is *a* reality, but not *the* reality.

I love the idea of child led weaning or I wouldn't do it. But I don't think it is for everyone, and that is OK. I am not a better mom than anyone else because I breastfeed, although breastfeeding makes it easier for me to be a good mom.

Sometimes there are no easy choices. Sometimes we choose the less than ideal because it is still the best alternative. Sometimes we learn things later that we wish we had known then.

My goal is simply to do all I can to support moms and babies. I speak out a lot about nursing beyond infancy and tandem nursing because I think more people need to hear that it is normal.

One thing that has interested me is hearing from several moms who are interested in allowing their children to resume nursing after they have weaned for awhile. I admit, I don't know much about it, although I have heard some beautiful stories. I want to hear more! If you have had a nursling begin to nurse again after weaning, would you please share in the comments? My own daughter tried a few times after weaning, but was never able to latch again.

My favorite resources for breastfeeding are:
www.kellymom.com and their Facebook page
and of course, La Leche League

I also have some fabulous online communities where I can get encouragement and advice from other moms. You are a part of that. Thank you for being supportive of breastfeeding relationships. Regardless of whether you breastfed or not, or whatever age your child was at weaning, your attitude towards breastfeeding is making a difference in countless other moms and children. You may not see it, but I do. Thank you. You rock!

ETA: After posting, a friend of mine shared this story of coping with breastfeeding loss, and I was in awe of the wisdom, encouragement and support. Please read it. <3

What Will Weaning an Older Child Look Like?

2012-01-17T17:24:00.000-08:00

After about eight years of lactation, I get a lot of questions about weaning. However, three of my four kidlets are still nursing, and the one who did wean did so because she hated the taste of colostrum (she stopped nursing a few months after turning four). So I really don't feel particularly qualified to answer.

About a year ago I wrote a post on breastfeeding older children that remains the one with the highest number of views on my blog. Now that I might soon be nursing a six year old, I thought I would share my thoughts on our journey.

When I first embraced the idea of child led weaning, I told myself that I wasn't going to set a cut off point. But in my head, three or four sounded about right (this was, of course, after getting over the shocking idea of nursing past a year!). I had heard stats about an average age for weaning being around four years old, and I thought I could live with that.

So I nursed through one pregnancy, began tandem nursing, battled through nursing aversion and found my rhythm. My oldest weaned a couple of months before our third child was born. Those two months are the only time when my son was the only nursling! Tandeming was much easier the second time around, and we have been triandeming for a year and a half now.

I sort of expected my son to wean when he was four, but he didn't. Nor when he turned five. Now we are closing in on six, and I am wondering again just how long he will decide to nurse. The funny thing is that, for all I know, he may have weaned already.

My three year old still nurses at least once a day, the baby probably six or seven times, and my five year old about once every three or four weeks. Since nearly a month goes by between the times he asks to nurse, I wonder if he has already stopped or if in a week or two or four he will ask to nurse again.

By around two years or so, we are firmly in the don't ask, don't refuse stage. By three or so, I have been known to refuse if I was uncomfortable or tired. There have been many times when his sisters have already each nursed fully on their sides, and I have asked him to wait awhile. I have been glad to see his independence growing. I also have known/known of several others who weaned at six or seven years of age, including my father in law, a respected pastor. I can say with confidence that breastfeeding that long didn't cause any issues, and in fact contributed significantly to overall physical, mental and emotional health.

Many of our friends have had special celebrations, like a cake or weaning party to mark such a special milestone. Years ago, I thought that we would do that. But it seems to be working out as a much quieter, gradual process. I suspect that I won't really know for sure that he has weaned until I look back a few months later. Or, he may decisively determine that he is done. Who knows?

I am still wondering exactly what weaning an older child will look like. But mostly, I am just thankful that we have been able to share such a special time for these last six years. I don't know if he will remember it or not as he grows older, but I know that I will never forget the smile in his eyes as he nursed, the giggles from nursing his toys, the contentment of snuggling together and the full heart of my sweet little boy.

A Letter To My Divorced Friends

2012-01-10T17:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Ones,

You already know that I stink at small talk, so I'm just going to jump right to the heart of it. You are not a failure. I hurt for you, for all the things that you went through in the marriage. I am mourning with you the death of the dreams that you had when you first got married. I am sorry. And I applaud your courage for getting to a safe place.

Among all the platitudes in churchianity, the idea of a spouse who patiently endures has been romanticized until any truth was pretty much lost. It is a religious Barbie doll. I know you. I know that you did not take your marriage vows lightly. You didn't divorce him because he snored. When one partner has violated their vows and is abusing you (regardless of whether that abuse is blatant physical abuse or more subtle emotional abuse), that is what destroyed your marriage.

You did the right thing. If you had stayed, there is no way that you could ever have been *enough*. No amount of submission, of trying harder, of yielding your rights, would have made it right. What they were doing is blatant, unrepentant sin, and you are not called to enable that.

I am thankful that you didn't listen to the lie to stay for the kids. The truth is that your children learn what marriage looks like from you. They will internalize what they see and hear and sense. Even if you don't think that they are picking up on it, they are. For them and for any children yet to come, a healthy single parent is much better than two unhealthy parents.

I know that you have had it pounded into you that God hates divorce. What many Christians fail to explain with that is that divorce is more than a piece of paper. God doesn't gasp in shock and horror when a divorce is finalized because all of a sudden a marriage has been destroyed. He knows it was destroyed long before the papers were signed. He knows our thoughts, our innermost beings. He hates that echad is destroyed and broken. He hates that His precious daughters are hurt. He hates the lies, the crushing of heart and spirit, the anger, pride and cruelty of sin. He doesn't hate you, and He is not disappointed in you for not sticking it out and subjecting yourself and your children to more in hope that somehow, someday it would change--or even worse, falling prey to the idea that you deserve to be treated that way.

You are loved. Cherished. Wholly and completely. He will never abandon you, never stop loving you, never stop liking you. He delights in you, for exactly who you are. He will always keep His promises to you. He wants you. He enjoys you. Shame off you!

I love you and admire your strength and honesty. And I believe with all my heart that your future is full of hope, because I like who you are right now.

With all my love,
Dulce

I Gave Up Spiritual Mountain Climbing

2012-01-08T18:38:00.000-08:00

Image credit jfdervin on Flickr

God has been real to me since childhood. I can't remember a time when I didn't know He was there. Even as a child I knew He listened to my prayers. And I wanted so much to get to know Him better. I prayed. I read my Bible. My parents and grandparents were pastors, so church was a given. I soaked up teachings by Elisabeth Elliot and others. I meditated on large passages of Scripture in the best tradition of Bill Gothard. I read most of the books in the extensive libraries that my dad and grandpa kept--Bible stories, missionary biographies, devotionals, even theology books. They grounded my soul.

But going to camps and conferences and mission trips? That is when I soared. I started when I was about 10 or 11, I think. These were the old fashioned, Pentecostal-style church camps with at least two services a day, lengthy altar calls and emotions rising higher than the heat of an Oklahoma summer. By the second year, I knew the pattern well. The daytime services were usually just OK. Mildly boring sometimes, like most regular church services, or kind of dumbed down for kids.

The evening services were much more intense. The preaching was usually a bit livelier, the music a little more emotional. The altar services crescendoed from a few kids praying briefly the first night to hours-long sessions full of tears, manifestations of several different spiritual gifts, and the ultimate spiritual high by the last night. I didn't actually go to the camp from the Jesus Camp documentary, but I went to its country cousins, and in my teens I attended camps in Colorado with New Life Church (Ted Haggard was pastoring at that time) that had many of the same elements, but with a much more polished result.

If you haven't experienced it, no description can fully convey it. A large gathering of preteens and teens pouring their hearts out in worship, striving to enter more fully into the presence of God and doing anything they can to get to that spiritual mountain top. We would tearfully confess sins and repent. We begged for the Holy Spirit to fill us, for God to speak to us, to transform our hearts. And He did. We were sincere, and God met us in amazing ways. (And yes, there were also some pretty unhealthy things going on at times, too, but that is probably for another post).

We would come home with stars in our eyes, hearts vowing that we would keep the fire burning. We wouldn't let it die down until our hearts were lukewarm. We would pray and read our Bibles an hour each day. We would witness to all of our friends. We would destroy any rock music or anything else could cause our hearts to grow cold. But it didn't work.

Inevitably, the spiritual high would wear off. We would slip off that mountaintop. And then we would laboriously begin the climb again. The guilt was a heavy burden. Every trite, well-meaning cliche (God doesn't move away--if there is distance in your relationship, it must be your fault!), added another stone to the pack of shame and guilt. I would resolve to try harder. But there was a hollowness there. No matter how much I would strive, the emotional feelings just weren't the same.

I began a pattern of spiritual mountain climbing that would last for years--earnestly seeking a way to maintain the same high from the last camp or conference on mission trip, trying to recapture the ease of hearing God's voice, seeing His power, and feeling His heart beat.

What if it was never meant to be that hard?

I know we are called to seek Him with all our heart. I am not advocating lazy faith. I've simply learned to rest in His love. I am not afraid of His rejection anymore. I don't have to be enough, because Jesus is. I always believed that about salvation, but not about actually living life as a Christian. I kind of saw it as Jesus paying the down payment, but I was obligated for the periodic payments from that point. And I gauged how well it was working by the consistency of the peaks.

Funnily enough, I still experience those mountaintop moments. Even more often than before. In prayer time in the middle of the night as I nurse a sleepy baby. In the frazzled moments when I am losing my temper and suddenly breathe in peace. When I feel His smile as we talk about the day. In that perfect tingly buzz of transcendent worship. When we catch our breath at the lovely colors of His sunset sky-paintings, or the clouds that are the dust of His feet. When I hear His whisper in Scripture. When I pray.

The emotions haven't disappeared at all. But they aren't my altimeter, measuring how far I have climbed. They aren't something I try to reach for. They are just nice. If they aren't there, I am not wracked by guilt or fear or shame. It isn't an endeavor. It is just mercy, grace and relationship that is made up of every moment of everyday. I gave up spiritual mountain climbing, but somehow, the view is even better from here.

Saturday Evening Blog Post--January 2012

2012-01-07T07:49:00.000-08:00

I am very excited to participate in the Saturday Evening Blog Post with Elizabeth Esther this month. The first Saturday of every month, she invites bloggers to share their favorite post from the previous month. I decided to share one of the more, ahem, provocative posts for last month--God Gave You a Clitoris For a Reason from the Sex Ed in a Christian Home series. I believe that this is a message that our kids need to hear from us, not from TV, advertising or other sources that will twist God's design,

Head on over and check out some of the other posts. I have already found a couple of great reads and some new blogs to follow. :) I love the courage and grace that Elizabeth Esther has demonstrated regarding the Pearl's teachings, and her blog is always inspiring. <3 Don't forget to fan her Facebook page, too!

Wifely Submission, Part III: The Fall

2012-01-04T12:25:00.000-08:00

Image credt Cliff1066 on Flickr

Part I and Part II talked a little bit about God's original design. The Biblical account of creation paints a picture of the husband and wife as members of an equal team. Both were made in God's image, both were given dominion over creation. The Biblical term for Eve is that of "ezer kenegdo"--an equal, opposing power; a valiant ally who meets her husband face to face with a shared vision.

Then sin entered the picture, and distorted everything, especially marriage relationships. Eve was deceived and listened to the Serpent. Adam went along with it, then started shifting blame to Eve when God confronted them. Then comes the curse on the ground and the Serpent, and God explains what some of the ramifications will be: much harder work for everyone. Men will have to work much harder in the fields, women will have to work much harder in childbirth (it is exactly the same word as used to describe Adam's toil--there is no mention of pain in the original). And they will have to work harder in marriage, as well--now man (who wouldn't even accept responsibility for his own choice to eat the fruit) is going to take over woman's choices and rule over her.

There is a very interesting discrepancy in the interpretation of these verses. Many view the idea of man ruling over woman as a command. I have even heard some claim that women should never have epidurals or other forms of anesthesia during childbirth because it would be avoiding the pain. Somehow, though, I have never heard of anyone teach that men should never use any tools or machinery that might make farming easier. Regardless of their views on wifely submission, all the guys I know seem to feel no pangs of conscience whatsoever at using tools of any sort that make their lives easier. Even--gasp--riding lawnmowers! Oh, the depravity!

Isn't one as ridiculous as the other?

Seriously, though, we are left with an extremely important question. Despite the results of the the Fall, we are Christians, redeemed from the Curse. With all of the other horrible distortions in our world created by sin--such as sickness of both soul and body--we feel justified in fighting against the darkness. Christians are taught to pray for healing, and to seek health and restoration. Why then would we believe that we should fight to uphold and strengthen sickness in marriage relationships? Why should we want to further the results of the curse in our lives?

What does the rest of the Bible say?

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Big Emotions

2012-01-03T17:23:00.000-08:00

Image credit david shankbone on Flickr

One of the most revolutionary aspects of gentle discipline in my life is learning that happy isn't the only acceptable emotion. Consider the rather ridiculous contortions most of us have gone through at one point or another to get a child to stop crying--everything from callous dismissal (That didn't hurt. You're fine.) to shaming (Don't be a baby! You're too big to make such a fuss. Look at so-and-so: he's not crying!) to outright threats or bribes (Stop or I'll give you something to cry about! Here, sweetie, it's OK--let's go get a cookie.). Regardless, the message is pretty clear. Our society only wants quiet smiles (even happy can quickly get too boisterous for our liking!).

This is unhealthy and inauthentic--carried too far and we become dishonest and emotionally crippled. But at the same time, we want to teach our children healthy ways of expressing their feelings that won't result in harm to people or property, and to demonstrate self-control. It isn't impossible, but it does take awareness, empathy and intentional teaching.

First of all, we must listen. The real need behind our child's behavior is to be understood. And most of us will try harder and harder to express ourselves if we aren't being heard. Even if your child is nonverbal, doing the best you can to convey understanding (without feeding drama) is essential.

We need to be able to recognize different emotions and label them for our children. It is important for them to have words to describe their feelings. We may start with just a few basics, like happy, sad, angry, scared, frustrated, but I think we should give them as many precise words as we can.

Image credit apdk on Flickr

Nonviolent Communication lists nearly three pages worth of feelings. Some of the emotions we feel when our needs are being met are: absorbed, adventurous, affectionate, amused, animated, appreciative, blissful, buoyant, calm, carefree, cheerful, comfortable, confident, contented, curious, delighted, eager, encouraged, exultant, fascinated, friendly, fulfilled, gleeful, gratified, interested, jubilant, mirthful, refreshed, relaxed, relieved, satisfied, secure, tender, trusting, zestful.

When our needs are not being met, we might feel: afraid, aggravated, agitated, angry, anguished, ashamed, bewildered, confused, cross, dejected, disappointed, edgy, embarrassed, exasperated, exhausted, fidgety, forlorn, frustrated, furious, heavy, helpless, horrified, jealous, lonely, mad, miserable, mopey, nervous, overwhelmed, resentful, sad, troubled, upset, weary, worried.

Even the most accurate words are not always enough when you are in the grip of an intense emotion, though. I speak two languages and still have difficulty articulating my deepest feelings! It is unrealistic and unhelpful to always expect children to "use their words". Sometimes we have to use our whole bodies.

Image credit waponi on Flickr

Dances are a brilliant way to convey emotion. They might do a wild dance with exuberant twirls and jumps. Perhaps an angry dance with lots of stomping and arms swinging. A sad, swaying dance. Often my kidlets ask to play the pushing game. Jumping on a trampoline, punching a pillow or bag, or running around might help to channel some excess tension.

When my daughter was going through an anxious time, it helped her to be able to squeeze her palms together or press them against her knees as part of a calm-down ritual. Sometimes just have a couple of familiar steps can be very soothing: a deep breath, squeezing palms, a cup of tea.

I want my children to feel free to seek connection with us when a feeling is too big for them. As a huge introvert who often prefers to be alone, though, I respect their desires. Setting up a comfort corner where they can cool off or retreat and relax in can be extremely helpful. A nice beanbag or favorite pillows, a calm down jar, maybe a little hideaway where they don't feel scrutinized, or even a warm bubble bath can provide a chance to unwind.

Do you have little artists? Let them go to work with fingerpaints or other materials to show you exactly what they are thinking and feeling! If they are old enough to write, they may want to pour out words in a journal or letter.

This next part may seem like a bit of a tangent, but it is important: fear exacerbates all other big feelings. One of the toughest jobs (at least for me--I am a bit of a coward here) is teaching them how to create and maintain boundaries, and backing them up while they do it. If someone has wronged them, they may need your help in navigating appropriate ways to respond.

For parents, the easy way out is to suggest that the child "forgive" and pretend it didn't happen. That protects us from any messy confrontation. The problem? At best, it is damaging. It prevents our children from learning healthy ways to deal with conflict. At worst? It is devastating when our children absorb the message that we would rather have other people mistreat them than face any discomfort. I'll spell it out further: I have heard personally from several adults who were sexually abused as children and never even told their parents because they were afraid of being rude or believed that their parents would side with the abuser. Please, please, take them seriously and teach them how to courteously but firmly stand up for themselves. Back them up, even in little things, so that they will trust you with the big ones.

Finally, the most important way that we can equip our children to deal with their intense emotions is by letting them see how we handle our own. Be honest about what you are feeling. Even if you have to coach yourself through a response aloud, let them here what you are doing and why. Consider carefully the tools that you use for yourself (and if you need to add or discard any), and show them what healthy emotional responses look like.

I confess, there are days when this seems pretty daunting to me. I am still learning so much, and so often I fall short. But seeing us make mistakes and learn from them, and how we gently correct ourselves is vital. They will make mistakes, too, and will also learn from us how to treat themselves when that happens. Should they mentally flog themselves, or thoughtfully consider how to make things better?

Big emotions are challenging at any age, and the truth is that many of us are still learning how best to handle them. By working consciously with our children, we can give them a stronger, healthier emotional foundation. That is one of the greatest legacies I can imagine.

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

The Not So Top 10

2011-12-31T08:12:00.000-08:00

For a couple of years, I only had about 12 regular blog readers (and I am so grateful for you! You are beloved friends who helped me to keep writing.). Then things took off this last year, thanks to the generosity of some of my fellow bloggers. I am so honored by all of the blog views and comments--you all rock! And I wanted to share a few posts that I like, even though they are not the most commonly viewed ones. They were all written before 2011, so I am hoping that you may find some that you haven't seen. :)

1. Shame Off You!

2. My Favorite Perfume

3. Languages of Love and Punishment

4. Jesus Wept

5. Why Christians Should Breastfeed in Public

6. Scrubbing Toesies in Foreign Languages

7. Shall We Dance?

8. Is it Ever Bad to Be Polite?

9. Misadventures in Parking

10. His Banner Over Us is Love

In Defense of Kreeaytiff Nayemz and Youkneec Spellings

2011-12-30T17:14:00.000-08:00

Image credit suvodeb on Flickr

Confession is good for the soul, so I am going to let you in on a secret. I think that unusual names and nontraditional spellings are cool. Why is this a confession, you ask? After all, the people I spend time with are pretty tolerant, by and large. We make choices that are a bit outside of the mainstream and look at the world though our own individual lenses. So it never fails to surprise me when I see posts mocking unusual names or non-traditional spellings. I am not talking about parents naming their kids something degrading, like Poopy. And, of course, some of the criticism is gentle ribbing, noting the poster's accidental flubbing of pronunciation. But a surprising amount comes across as a bit malicious, and I just don't get it.

I'll acknowledge up front that I am biased. My own name, although common in Mexico, is very unusual here. Few people get it right on the first try. I have been called everything from Dooley to Doushay (yeah, really) and pretty much anything else that has any part of Dulce in it. We used to get telemarketers calling for Dulcky. I get that it can be aggravating for both sides to have a name that isn't easily pronounced on the first try.

And yes, I remember feeling disappointed at times when I couldn't find mass-market personalized items when I was a child. But that was a fleeting thing

Even more, though, I remember vigorously nodding along as my favorite literary heroine insisted that "Anne-with-an-e" looked much better than "Ann", that a "K" was much more alluring than a smug-looking "C" and that she could see all the sharp angles and corners in a "W" when it was spoken.

I feel the pleasure of recognition when someone recalls my name or makes the effort to pronounce it correctly.

I am also a teacher who learns a large number of names every semester, and it is actually very nice to see or hear names that stand out a bit. I find that they stay in my mind much more readily than common names with conventional spellings. I always ask my students to introduce themselves as they prefer to be addressed in the beginning, and it is never a problem.

Names are important. We thought and prayed long and hard before choosing our childrens' names. We gave careful consideration to the meanings behind them, how they would come across in both Spanish and English, and yes, even to the spellings. And although none of them are in recent top 10 lists, none are particularly unusual. But each of their names beautifully reflects the child. They have made their names even more lovely to me because now I see them when I hear that name. And that is every bit as true for kids with creative spellings or simply unusual names.

Whatever names you have given your children, however you have chosen to spell them, I celebrate the meaning, beauty and uniqueness of your child. Of you. Of your own way of seeing things and the way that is highlighted in the way you address your child. And I believe that other people will, too. (If you have gotten the argument that your child won't be taken seriously with an unusual name, let me say that in my experience, true leaders are open to innovation and creativity and are unlikely to judge your child negatively).

Please give your child a name that reflects how you see him or her. One that speaks a blessing over your child each time you say it. One that demonstrates exactly who your child is called to be. You and your children are one of a kind. It is OK if your names show that. I will be cheering for you. And I will have the courtesy to learn how to pronounce it and spell it correctly. :)

Wifely Submission, part II: Before the Fall

2011-12-27T16:17:00.000-08:00

Once I began to re-examine everything I thought I knew about wifely submission, I went all the way back to the creation account in Genesis. It was puzzling to find some things that were seemingly ignored, and other things that I thought were there required a broad ability to read into things, to say the least.

First of all, Genesis 1:27 proclaims that both men and women are created in God's image. Stop and think about that for a moment. Women are created in the image of God. Not men are created in the image of God and women are an afterthought. God is not a man. Sure, we use masculine pronouns to refer to Him and His physical body was male, but He is Spirit. The Bible uses unmistakeably feminine imagery to describe God in several places--talking about the God who danced in the act of giving birth to us, giving images of us nursing at God's breast. In fact, the name El Shaddai can be a reference to God's breast nurturing us.

(The song is not totally relevant, but I love it, so I am including it anyway. Bonus :)

I had been taught that the very order of creation demonstrated the hierarchical nature of God's design: Man was created first, then woman. Of course, if you are determined to find significance there, animals were created before man, and I have never heard anyone claim that the Bible teaches that people were under the authority of animals.

But what about the fact that woman was made as a "helper"? We tend to think of a helper as a subordinate. Surely that means that woman is meant to be under the authority of man, right? Except that the Bible frequently uses the same word to describe God. He is our help, our strength, our power. Nowhere is it ever implied that God is under our authority!

The Hebrew phrase that is used to describe Eve is 'ezer kenegdo'. Far from being a term of inferiority or even subordination, this is a phrase that emphasizes equality of position. The 'ezer' part is that of strength, help and power. 'Kenegdo' refers to being face to face. It can even mean opposition! Looking at this from Hebrew makes it clear that man and woman are a team. Woman is a source of strength and help, and if necessary, can be help that opposes--one who helps stand in the way and opposes a wrong direction. I love Crystal Lutton's descriptions, "a valiant ally", one who is "face to face with a shared vision."

It is clear that before sin entered into the picture, God's design was for man and woman to complete each other, to rule together. Both were created in His image, and there is no hierarchy between them. Then what happened? The Fall. That messed up everything, including God's design for relationships. But His desire, design and purpose, don't seem to include a hierarchy in marriage. Did that ever change?

To be continued

Wifely Submission, part I

2011-12-26T11:00:00.000-08:00

Do I have a rebellious, Jezebel spirit?

Growing up, I secretly feared that I would never find a man to marry. I was saturated with the teachings of Elisabeth Elliot, Bill Gothard, et al on wifely submission, authority and gender roles. I understood without a doubt that I would need to be a submissive wife. The problem? Finding a guy I would be willing to submit to. Even with ones that I liked a lot and was very attracted to, I knew that I could not joyfully trust them to make the final decision on something if we disagreed.

I have always been one to choose truth over relationship. I knew that if my own relationship with God and my own intelligence were leading me one way and my husband disagreed that I would have a very hard time submitting. I certainly couldn't see myself doing it in the prescribed method of a cheerful attitude and docile respect. No, I was honest enough with myself to realize it would be with me digging my heels in and arguing all the way.

I tried really, really hard to believe all of the teachings that I was given. My mother reminded me countless times that I had to respect the husband's position of authority and his right and responsibility to exercise it, even if I didn't feel respect for the person or the decision itself. I knew Gothard's teaching that the one under authority could make a Godly appeal. If it was denied, she could suffer for doing right (of course, this only applied if what the husband was requiring of her was blatant sin, not mere stupidity). Otherwise she should cheerfully submit and be confident that somehow, even if the husband made a bad decision, her submission would be counted as righteousness and God would bring some good of it.

My doubts persisted. Carlos was the first and only man I met who I trusted enough to think that I would be able to submit. To my surprise, he believed that the Bible taught mutual submission, and that we were to submit to each other. HUH? That was the beginning into a deeper look at what the Bible really teaches about wifely submission. What I found shocked me.

To be continued.

Image credit: x-ray delta one on Flickr

Was Jesus Married? Some thoughts by Samuel Martin

2011-12-24T06:28:00.000-08:00

I am honored to share an interesting look at the question of Jesus' relationships on earth by Samuel Martin. Sam is the author of Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy and a wonderful advocate for loving and grace-filled family relationships. Check out his blog and his web site. :)

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As far as we know from the Bible, Jesus was not married. There is no specific text that someone can point to and say: “Here it is. This proves Jesus was married.” To say he was married is speculative to be sure. I believe that our Lord was not married and I think there are many proofs that one can point to that show this to be the case. I am working to get all these ideas together and write a serious research study on this subject. It is an extremely topical subject these days.

I have been working on this issue in the back of my mind for years, but now I am starting to get my thoughts down on paper. I will keep you posted on the progress of the larger work as it comes together. This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to answering this question about Jesus and His experience in the flesh.

In that larger work, I will devote considerable space to some pretty involved arguments in favor of Christ being single. As an example, I want to point to one statement made by Christ Himself and its place in the historical context of that period. I believe that it relates to this issue of Him being single. Let’s look at it:

“And seeing a crowd about him, Jesus commanded to depart unto the other side. And one scribe came to him and said, Teacher, I will follow you where ever you go. And Jesus said to him, The foxes have holes, and the birds have nests; but the Son of Man has not where to lay his head.” (Matthew 8:18-20)

Now, this passage is one we find in Matthew. Matthew is a book written from a decidedly Hebraic orientation. That means that the culture of the book, its themes, style, and tone is really oriented to Hebraic thinking and if we keep this in mind when reading this book, it will help us to understand it better. [Note: Of late, I have been doing research in Matthew and have been amazed at the things that I have seen – very exciting ideas to help show us just who Christ was and how He really relates well to humanity as that “Suffering Servant” of Isaiah 53. Will be having much more to say on this going forward as I do more research.]

Now, getting back to the passage, Jesus seems to quite clearly state that He at that moment in time, using His own comparison logically, did not have a residence, as did those animals. Now, maybe He did have a home in (or near) Nazareth, but are we sure He did? How can we know? Isn’t it interesting that while Christ was just near death, He said: “When Jesus therefore saw His mother, and the disciple standing by whom He loved, He said to his mother, Woman, behold, your son! Then said he to the disciple. Behold, your mother! And from that hour the disciple took her unto his own home.” (John 19:26,27) [Note: In the Greek language, the word “home” does not appear, but we understand it from the context that Mary was now to be reckoned as the mother of that disciple and he was to be her son and this meant that she would now be living with him.]

Perhaps after that time referenced in Matthew, Christ and His mother may have had to abandon their home wherever it was due to the fear they had of people seeking to kill Him. Note that after the raising of Lazarus from the dead, Christ retreated to near the border of Samaria (John 11:54) because of a fear of being caught and killed. Had He had a stable residence, at that time, it would not have been safe to go there for fear of being apprehended. By Jesus’ retreat to near the border of Samaria, He may have been positioning himself near that area in case He needed to flee into Samaria quickly. Rousseau in the book “Jesus and His World” mentions this exact point in the article on Ephraim which John 11:54 mentions. (p.87)

Now, this passage in Matthew has that Hebraic orientation that I talked about and we in fact know that the ancient Hebrews had some teachings about married life, housing and the role that having a home and a family played in ones life. They have left us some very interesting quotes to consider which not only bear on the passage in Matthew 8, but also concern the issue of whether or not Jesus was married. Note the following:

“From Deuteronomy 20:5 the Talmud derives the lesson: ‘The Torah teaches the correct procedure: a man should first build a house, then plant a vineyard, and after that marry.’” (Sotah 44a)” (Cohen, Everyman’s Talmud, pg. 162)

This procedure is quite good advice really and we note it even today here in Jerusalem. It is very common for men here today to have to provide the means to marry. A home, a car, holding down a good job, being able to provide for a family, etc. Without these things being in place, men just do not marry and women will not think of marrying someone who cannot provide these necessities. Generally speaking, their families will not allow it or will frown on it strongly and put pressure on a girl to either wait until the man is in a better position to provide these things or urge her to move one to someone else.

We can consider this issue when looking back on that passage in Matthew where Jesus indicates that He, at that time, did not have a place to rest his head. If He did not have a stable home, there is almost no conceivable way that He could have been married. It would seemingly have been a violation of the cultural norms at that time.

Cohen also continues with the very interesting following statement:

“A wife meant a home; hence the saying, ‘a man’s home is his wife’ (Yoma 1.1), and Rabbi Jose said, ‘Never have I called my wife by that word (e.g. – He never spoke of his wife as “his wife”), but always ‘my home.’ (Shab.118b).” (ibid.)

This is a lovely and deserved tribute to the wife of Rabbi Jose. It is a bit poetic and Middle Eastern culture is prone to such speech. Even today, I am always happy to hear my brother in law talking to his wife calling her “Ruhi,” (my spirit), or “Elbi, (my heart) or “Umri,” (my life). Makes my own “honey’s” and “darlings” seem a bit lacking certainly poetically speaking. Having said that, what we are talking about here really are terms which denote and point to a oneness relationship that loving married couples feel for one another.

These types of terms are used quite commonly even today and we can see from the Rabbi’s statement, he chose to call his wife “Beti” (my home). To him, having a wife was synonymous with having a home. The two were inseparable.

Now, once again consider that passage from Matthew in light of this statement. Jesus said he did not have a home at that time. Chances are that if he did not have a stable home, He also did not have a wife either and, of course, it goes without saying that this meant that Jesus would identify strongly with those who never knew the warm lovely marital embrace that married couples share, enjoy and engage in with the view to creating a family.

This was a part of God’s plan for Christ to experience not the best that humanity has to offer (which marriage, a family, children, a home and the loving warm embrace of that special someone). No! Christ came to earth to experience the worst that humanity has to offer.

He was born in ignominy, grew up as a tender plant, like a root out of a dry ground (Isaiah 53), must have been teased as a kid because people knew of the supposed ‘situation’ surrounding His birth, was not attractive (ibid), was sickly (ibid. and Luke 4:23), was poor, was rejected by His local community, was persecuted, and finally was killed in a most heinous painful way. This, of course, He did for you and I and went through these experiences bearing the sins of the world, not only the day He died, but throughout his whole life (Matthew 8:17).

Can you imagine how He must have felt going to weddings? Seeing the love of those who were soon to be married and to enter the grace of life together? Knowing that He would never have children or have the feeling of one’s own child saying “Abba”? Pretty hard stuff in a culture where the very first commandment of all is “be fruitful and multiply.”

Summing Up

When we look at that previously referenced passage in Matthew in light of some of these ideas, we can see that if Jesus was married, he was certainly operating outside of the some of the cultural norms of that period. This is just one point to consider when we are asking the question of whether or not our Lord was married. I will bring out more research on this issue in the near future. I look forward very much to your comments and feedback.

Biography of Samuel Martin

Samuel Martin was born in England and is the youngest child of Dr. Ernest L. and Helen R. Martin, who are both Americans. He lived in the UK for the first seven years of his life before moving to the USA with his family at age seven. He lived in the USA until 2001 when he married a native Israeli and relocated to live in Jerusalem. He and his wife, Sonia, have two daughters.

His experience with biblical scholarship began at an early age. His father, Dr. Ernest L. Martin (1932-2002), initiated a program in conjunction with Hebrew University and Prof. Benjamin Mazar, where over a five year period, some 450 college students came to work on an archaeological excavation in Jerusalem starting in 1969 (See Time Magazine, September 3, 1973, article ˝Digging for Credit.). Since that first trip, Samuel has visited Israel on 14 different occasions living more than five years of his life in the country. He has toured all areas of Israel as well as worked in several archaeological excavations.

Besides his experiences in his youth, he also worked on an excavation in northern. Israel under the supervision of Dr. Eilat Mazar of Hebrew University in Jerusalem and participated in a survey in the Judean Desert related to the Dead Sea Scrolls under the guidance of Dr. Robert Eisenman (CSU, Long Beach and author of "James, the brother of Jesus - Viking Penguin: 1997) and Dr. James D. Tabor (UNC, Charlotte and author of The Jesus Dynasty - Simon and Schuster: 2006).

His interests include social studies and the Bible, Hebrew studies and science as it relates to the Bible. He holds a B.A. degree with a special focus on Middle Eastern studies from Portland State University in Oregon. He was raised in an environment of high level Biblical scholarship. His father held a MA in Theology and a Ph.D. in Education and he is well known for his work concerning the Nativity of Jesus Christ (see Elwell, Dictionary of Evangelical Theology, article, Nativity of Jesus Christ or see www.hillsdale.edu/imprimis/1996/Dec96Imprimis.pdf) plus many other books and publications on the Bible.

It is Not My Job to Persuade Her Not to Spank

2011-12-14T11:30:00.000-08:00

Image credit michelle brunner on Flickr

My dreams rarely make sense, but last night, they did. I was back where I started first making the decision to turn away from spanking. I was earnestly trying to explain to some parents of my K -12 students why we no longer supported corporal punishment. I pulled out my copy of Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy by Sam Martin, only to see that someone had doodled all over the covers. I recognized the handwriting as someone close to me in real life who doesn't get our decision at all. In the dream, as I flipped through my book, I was dismayed by all the damage, but I soon realized that it was only on the outside. The person to whom I had lent the book had never even read it. She had simply used the covers for scratch paper.

We have had so many conversations about this. And to be perfectly honest, not very grace-filled ones. I get so incredibly frustrated that no matter how many times we have discussed it, each time seems as if we are starting from scratch. Any of the documented negative consequences of spanking and all research are ignored. The sexual damage that spanking can cause is met with shock and disbelief. Pleas to examine the Scripture are shut down because the Bible must always say exactly what a person from our culture casually skimming the KJV.

Her side of it consists of the exact same arguments. She praises pro-spanking authors like Dobson and Gothard for all of the great good they have done for families. She reiterates that spanking is only harmful if done in anger. She brings out the instant obedience in the face of danger argument. If the conversation is still going at this point, she will add that my kids don't always obey, with the implication that whatever I am doing isn't working perfectly, and maybe they need a good old fashioned spanking. She argues that God spanks us.

Why do we even bother to have this conversation? Partly because each time she would give the appearance of listening and a degree of openness, and promise to read more links and info if I would send them. Partly because her approval matters to me. Partly because our relationship is close, and this issue is so important to me that I want it to be important to her, too. Partly because I am stubborn and get tunnel vision all too often. Partly because we are family, and have long established patterns that we still fall into even after recognizing that they aren't healthy or beneficial. Partly because I wanted so much to think that if I somehow said the magic words they would sink in. Because I wanted to believe that deep down, her defense of spanking was really protesting too much--that she didn't fully believe all the things she was saying and that a part of her didn't want to spank but was simply parroting all the things she has been taught.

Somehow, the dream made clear to me what any outsider would have seen long before: she really does believe what she is saying. She genuinely believes that spanking is beneficial, and any pretense of being interested in alternatives or reasons why spanking is harmful is simply misguided courtesy. She will doodle on the covers of my beliefs regarding spanking because she has no desire to delve into the book, and doesn't really consider it important to begin with.

I am slow sometimes. When it comes to strangers, I am quick to remind myself that I don't have to persuade them. I cannot be the Holy Spirit to someone else. Whacking people over the head with our views is rarely productive. I know all this. But I forget so easily, especially when it comes to family.

Frankly, the bean dip approach is not who I am. I don't think it will ever come naturally, because as much as I loathe confrontation, I blurt and feel compelled to talk back, even when my brain is shaking its head no. I fully believe that there are times when we are called to speak up, particularly on issues like spanking when the victims have no power to speak for themselves. But maybe, just maybe, there are also times when we are called to let go of things that were never our right or responsibility, like changing someone else's mind. So I am not going to stop blogging about spanking or gentle discipline. But in this particular relationship, I am purposing to let go of the compulsion to convince her (and I am blogging about it to help me remember). It is not my job to persuade her not to spank.

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

2011-12-08T07:31:00.000-08:00

Image credit blockedroad on Flickr

I don't need a personality test to tell me that I am an introvert with a capital I. Sadly, the holiday season has no respect for that whatsoever. Part of me loves getting to spend time with people that I don't normally get to see. But I have never been a fan of crowds, and within seconds, I start feeling overwhelmed. Physically I am fine, but the part of me that is me can't breathe. As a child, I would always slip away with a book. Now, I close my eyes and inwardly flash back to a very special holiday night. It was one of those seemingly insignificant moments that stick in our minds and draw us back over and over. Like snowcream, it brings a bit of sweet coolness to an overheated day.

I was gearing up for finals, and for some reason that I've forgotten (if I ever knew it), I spent the evening with some acquaintances instead of studying. If I had been with some friends, it would have been great. The people I was with were nice, but we had nothing in common, and I felt out of place. We ended up in a horribly stuffy smoke-filled room where I watched the people around me drink and play pool (I do neither, and it wasn't a particularly entertaining spectator sport). It was so crowded it could induce claustrophobia. I had a headache from the cigarette smoke and was starting to have an asthma attack, and the overworked heater in there was making me feel feverish, so I slipped out for a few minutes and walked to a nearby cafe.

As soon as the door closed behind me, I could suddenly breathe. The cacophony was cut off, the air was delightfully clean and crisp, the sky was the deep cobalt of a clear winter evening, and the heavenly hosts were dancing. It was glorious. I felt such a peace and stillness inside. I knew I was in God's presence. I had a lovely walk to the cafe and was warmed on the way back with a rich white chocolate mocha.

That's it. No deep revelation, exactly, but ever since that night I've been able to close my eyes and take a deep breath and feel the stillness of that moment, the quiet in my soul. It is a moment I will be reliving many times in the next few weeks.

Defiance and the Thought Police

2011-12-07T08:34:00.000-08:00

I am sure that the look on her face means defiance!

Of all the things that disturb me about punitive parenting, one of the most deeply alarming is the elevation of parents to prison guards over their child's emotions. It isn't enough to punish physical disobedience--tangible action or inaction. Fear of The Defiance Boogeyman means that parents must scrutinize every nuance in posture, voice and facial expressions for rebellion. If they perceive defiance [disagreement], the child deserves a spanking.

We need to re-examine the whole idea of defiance. The punitive experts demand spanking for it. Parents say they know it when they see it. According to several dictionaries, defiance is open resistance, bold disobedience or a reckless challenge. In application, though, it does not have to be nearly as flagrant as that. Somehow it becomes daring to feel or think anything in disagreement to the parent. It doesn't even have to be deliberately disrespectful in any way. Just different. In essence, kids get spanked for not feeling or thinking the same as their parents.

It doesn't even have to be conscious. Any body language that indicates stress, tension, or heaven forbid, dissent, also becomes defiance. For many parents it is the look in their child's eye. My mom would become infuriated when my left eye would begin to squint a little. She considered it defiance. I was so confused and frightened by this, because it was something I was not even aware of until I looked in a mirror once. Even then, I couldn't always control it. If I am very tense, my facial muscles on that side contract so that my left eye looks smaller. It still happens as an adult, but now I can't be punished for it.

Michael Pearl gives numerous nauseating examples of hitting children so that they will be cheerful. In chapter 13 of To Train Up a Child, he explains:

"Bad attitude is pure bad. For as a child "thinketh in his heart, so is he (Prov. 23: 7)." "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life (Prov. 4:23)." If a child shows the least displeasure in response to a command or duty, it should be addressed as disobedience. If a child sticks out his lip, you should focus your training on his bad attitude. The wrong slant of the shoulders reveals a bad frame of mind. Consider this a sign to instruct, train or discipline. A cheerful, compliant spirit is the norm. Anything else is a sign of trouble." [Note: in Pearlspeak, instruction, training and discipline all mean spanking with some type of stick].

The wrong slant of the shoulders deserves a spanking. For other authors, it not not pasting on a convincing smile. (Because if they don't obey all the way, right away and with a smile, it isn't true obedience!) How many four year olds, let alone toddlers, (and Pearl recommends hitting seven month old babies with a switch for fussing) have the physical awareness to even realize that their shoulder position or involuntary facial expressions are wrong, let alone the control to prevent it? Nearly every child I know who has been spanked has similar stories of being hit for "defiance" that they were unaware of even expressing.

Here is the issue. Spanking or otherwise punishing a child for something as subjective and nebulous as defiant posture or expressions means that you are spanking them for a feeling, not an action. This goes far beyond the issue of ordinary obedience and respect for parents to punishing a child for thoughts and emotions.

The child is left with two options: lie convincingly or never question anything internally, not even to understand it better. After all, delayed obedience isn't really obedience according to these guys (whose Bibles all mysteriously omit Jesus' parable of the two brothers in Mt 21). Over years of practice, both options are exceedingly dangerous. You wind up with a compulsive people pleaser who will lie convincingly without qualm or someone who believes everything and never thinks for himself.

Courtesy is important, sure. Children need to learn to express disagreement respectfully. However, that is a complex social skill with delicate nuance. Most adults still struggle to do this successfully. It is going to take considerable practice, teaching and perhaps scripting for a small child to be able to perform courteous disagreement, and punishing them for not getting it perfect is tantamount to punishing a toddler for not acing an algebra exam.

Yet even respect is not enough for many parents who have bought into the defiance boogeyman. It becomes a dangerous pride issue. For them, regardless of how respectfully dissent is presented, the mere existence of beliefs or feelings contrary to the parent are labeled defiance. Consider--is your child allowed to express disagreement without retaliation? What would be necessary for it to be acceptable? Are they allowed to feel angry? Frustrated? Upset in any way? Can they show it? Or must they pretend to be calm and cheerful?

Becoming another person's thought police or emotional prison guard is only about control. God does not give us the authority to control another individuals thoughts or feelings. A child is not required to obey you if you are asking them to sin. And this kind of parenting is definitely asking them to sin. Parents who do this are seeking to be an idol. They are claiming the place of God in their child's life. They are grasping at privileges that God does not even take for Himself!

Over and over in the Bible, God's people poured out their hearts to Him even when it was messy. They were honest with themselves and with God. They even talked back and argued, and there were times when God counted that as righteousness. He doesn't demand that we lie and pretend to follow Him. In fact, hypocrisy seems to bother Him far more than questions or even emotional outbursts.

I would plead with all parents who punish their children for defiance to instead examine their own hearts. Is your pride motivating you? Fear? Desire for control? How is your attitude compatible with the Fruit of the Spirit? With James 3:17? With Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21, I Corinthians 13? Rather than searching for splinters in the eyes of our children, we need to deal with the logs in our own eyes. Then we can see more clearly to teach, and may discover that much of what we thought was defiance was simply our own greedy pride.

There is an interesting thread on how to deal with defiance here. I agree with many of the posters who state that in practice, it doesn't really make a difference whether my children are inwardly defiant or not, because the response will always be to teach. I don't have to claim to know what is in my child's heart and punish it (doesn't the Bible say that we don't always even know our own hearts, let alone someone else's?). Instead, I have to model and teach the attitudes that I want to see.

Finally, we know that children learn best by example ("Be imitators of me like beloved children"). If we are rude, disrespectful and arrogant in our attitudes toward our children, how can we have any right to expect their attitudes toward us to be any different? "Do to others as you would have them do to you" does not have an exemption if the "others" are children.

We are not called to police the thoughts and emotions of our children, to force their feelings underground, or to exact vengeance if they do not cater to our pride. Instead, we called to teach them in love, gentleness and humility so that they will be able to find healthy and acceptable ways to express their God given individuality.

Sex Ed in a Christian Home: God Gave You a Clitoris For a Reason

2011-12-02T08:33:00.000-08:00

Image credit Leo Reynolds on Flickr

How is that for a provocative title? LOL. But it is true, and frequently overlooked when parents teach their kids about sex. And yet, I believe that teaching them this is every bit as important (maybe even more so) than teaching them about the mechanics of sex. Think about it--all of the other body parts associated with sex have other functions, as well. But the only reason women have a clitoris is for pleasure. That is pretty profound. The inescapable conclusion is that God wants it to feel good.

But do we really need to teach our children that? Won't they figure it out on their own? I think that we *must* teach this to our children. Some definitely would figure it out eventually, just like with any other aspect of sexuality. But we can save them a lot of heartache along the way by giving them accurate and healthy info here, just like with other aspects of sex.

I have heard from so many women who were never taught to view sex as pleasurable. In most cases, any information that they got was very shame-based.   Sex was considered dirty. There are many others who were taught to focus on chastity to the point of stifling every sexual inclination, and then found it incredibly difficult to turn that "no" into a "yes" with their partners.

For parents who want to teach their children to save sex for marriage, this is tricky ground. How do you teach them about sexual purity *and* that sex is a wonderful gift? How do you teach them to flee lust without turning sexuality into a source of shame?

Frankly, I am still learning. But I strongly suspect that the secret here is in telling the truth without fear. Whenever we try to teach from a place of fear, we wind up corrupting the lesson. If we are focused on fear that our children will have sex when they shouldn't, we will corrupt what should be a beautiful lesson about their sexuality.

So, when they are little and begin to explore their own bodies, we can acknowledge without shaming that yes, it does feel good (even while teaching that it is not a public activity). We can be open about masturbation. We can celebrate the way that God created our bodies, and the fact that He wants us to enjoy them. We can teach them that while it is natural, it is also something that we learn about through practice (and that the practice of sex is meant to be with our spouse). I don't believe that any of these contradict the idea of saving sex for marriage.

But wait a minute! So what is lust, then? Many consider it to be any sexual desire. I don't think so. That is like saying gluttony is any desire for food. In looking at several dictionary definitions, I saw an important distinction. Lust was uncontrolled, unrestrained or overwhelming sexual desire. Just like gluttony would be uncontrolled, unrestrained or overwhelming desire for food. So having a sexual thought or desire is not wrong unless it is uncontrolled, unrestrained or overwhelming--something that we purpose to fulfill even when it is morally wrong.

This, to me, fits in perfectly with Jesus' warning against adultery in Matthew 5. It isn't the same as temptation. It is when you have already given in to that temptation in your heart.

I believe that understanding this is vital as we teach our children about sexual purity. Rather than teaching them to condemn themselves for every moment of attraction or to stifle their sexuality, we teach them about self control and delayed gratification. Rather than frightening them or bludgeoning them with guilt, we give them the positive understanding of the true purpose of sex.

I want all of my children to know that God intended for sex to be delightful. I will tell my daughters that there is a reason that God gave them a clitoris. That it is part of His amazing design. That, yes, it is supposed to feel good.

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This is part of a series about how we teach our children about sexuality. As parents, we have an incredible responsibility. We need to give our children accurate, age-appropriate information, not only on the physical aspects of sexuality, but also on the emotional and spiritual ramifications. I hope you will join us in this discussion with your comments, links, ideas and stories. For the entire series, click here.

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Stories

2011-11-28T12:39:00.000-08:00

Image credit photogramma1 on Flickr

Some of my best childhood memories are of listening to my mother make up stories. It was only natural to me to start using them with my children. Most of us tend to think of stories as being nothing more than entertainment. But they are also a fun part of our parenting toolbox. Jesus was a storyteller. The Bible is made up of stories. Stories are a wonderful way to communicate Truth and encourage connection.

Whether you are two, twenty, forty, sixty or ninety, one of our deepest needs is to feel understood. Often children resort to meltdowns because they have no other way to fully express the depth of their hurt, frustration or anger. They are compelled to show us exactly how serious and intense the feelings are. Stories can be a great way to show that we get it.

Stories are also a powerful teaching tool. Most of us tune out a boring list of instructions. But in an exciting story, it is easy to absorb and remember how a character responded to a situation. I want to clarify that this is not like some of the old fashioned morality tales that had a heavy handed punishment of bad behavior actions and simplistic reward of positive behavior. The goal is not to scare our kids (these aren't horror stories!) or to alienate them by showing a disregard for their feelings. But giving positive role models will provide them with ways (or even scripts) to help handle similar situations.

Stories are even more fun (and more effective) when they are a collaborative effort. Invite your child to help tell the story. Ask questions. "How do you think he felt about that?" "What do you think she should do next?" It is fine if the story goes in an entirely different way than you envisioned. As long as your child is communicating with you, good things are happening! It may seem disturbing if your child throws in a rather graphic scene of vengeance. Resist the urge to squash their contribution, though--again, it goes back to expressing the full intensity of their feelings. Once their emotions are fully acknowledged, you can gently work in alternatives.

The number one tip for story telling is to be a good listener. As you validate and reflect, and allow them to tell their own stories they will be able to gain perspective for their own situations and acquire new coping tools of their own.

When my oldest daughter would have a meltdown, I learned to sit next to her and quietly begin a story about another little girl in a similar situation. It was a delicate balance to get the same emotions with enough differences in detail to make it clearly a story. Sometimes she would correct me on details, and I would welcome that as a way for her to share her feelings with words.

The most beautiful example that I have seen of this type of storytelling is by Crystal Lutton, in her article Words as Magic. Her story here with her four year old who was upset with his little sister is a fabulous template for using stories as a discipline tool. Stories can help children feel connected and understood, and when that happens, a surprising number of problems disappear.

And of course, it isn't just for "problem issues". Stories are always a way to communicate and tie our hearts closer together.

As much as I love story telling, in the moment, sometimes I am so tired or preoccupied that it seems difficult to get in the groove. These are my favorite tips for coming up with stories my kidlets will love.

Have you ever used stories to diffuse a rough moment, encourage or teach your child, or just to connect? I would love to hear about how you use them as part of your GD toolbox!

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Guest Post: Fun and Simple Ways for Stay-at-Home Moms to Earn Extra Cash

2011-11-20T15:57:00.000-08:00

You may be in that stage of parenting where your kids have all started school, and you have a few hours every day of quiet solitude in the house. Sometimes that quiet solitude can become monotonous and uninteresting. If you are a stay-at-home-mom looking for a hobby to fill in a few hours of the day, why not choose a new hobby that could potentially help you earn a little extra money? Listed below are a few suggestions.

1. Design and create your own hair bows: I have seen some mothers sell their hair bows for great prices and other moms always buy! To get started, you can use a free instructional guide found on the internet or purchase an instructional book from a bookstore. Clips, ribbons, headbands and other materials can all be purchased at your local craft store or even at Wal-Mart. Sell your hair bows at school events or host a selling party at your home.

2. Crocheting: This is not an easy hobby to learn, but once mastered, crocheting provides an excellent opportunity for stay-at-home moms to create unique items that will sale like hotcakes! It may be best to find a crocheting group that you can meet with a few times per week or month, as this is a craft that is best learned from a mentor. Once mastered, you could even create your own crocheting group; maybe even charge a small fee to teach others.

3. Compiling neighborhood recipes and creating a “neighborhood” cookbook: This is an idea that could range from a small task to a large project, depending on the size of your neighborhood. If you attend church, consider asking members if they would like to submit a recipe and donate a percentage of proceeds to a local charity. If the book will be less than 20 pages and you will be printing less than 20 copies, consider typing the book on your home computer and printing and binding it (with plastic comb binders) on your own, as well. The profit from this project may not be great, but the product of the project will be remembered by you and your neighbors forever.

4. Handmade Christmas Ornaments: If you are especially artistic and crafty, this is another hobby that has a potential of producing big bucks. Materials can usually be purchased for a relatively small amount at your local craft store. Ideas for ornaments can be found online, in books or from other ornaments for sale in stores. Display your product at local football games or other school events, and advertise that you will be giving a certain percentage of your proceeds to that school activity.

Whichever hobby you pursue, don’t get frustrated if life gets busy and you have to put a project aside for a few days. Remember, the goal is not necessarily making money but using your free time to enrich your life by learning and creating something new. And if you can teach your children your new hobby, all the better!
Denise Keene has been a Special Ed teacher for 15 years now and likes to write articles about various related topics. She also owns the site Masters In Special Education.

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Play

2011-11-16T13:11:00.000-08:00

I confessed to a couple of my dearest friends recently that although I love my kids dearly, I loathe playing with them. Don't get me wrong--I really enjoy being with my children. I delight in watching them play. But actually participating, getting on the floor, jumping into games and pretending stuff? That is hard. Really hard. It ranks about the same for me as small talk with someone with whom I have virtually nothing in common. On the outside I try to smile and look attentive, but on the inside I am fidgeting, looking at a mental clock and wondering how soon I can politely disengage.

Even though it is hard, I don't think I am especially good at it, and I rarely feel like doing it, I know that play is one of the most important things I can do with my children. Besides all of the skills that children acquire through play, it is the key to two of their deepest needs: power and connection.

Image credit PopCultureGeek on Flickr

Feeling helpless has got to be one of the absolute worst feelings in the world. And, face it, when your greatest power consists of choosing the red shirt instead of the blue shirt today, being able to control a situation in play, to make your own choices and even change everything through your imagination is huge. The key here is following your child's lead and not imposing your own preferences. Offer role-reversals. Let them be the parent and you be the child. Let them rescue you. The possibilities for empowering play are endless!

The other important by product of playing together is connection. I am not a particular fan of Sponge Bob or Spiderman, but my son is. And when I play with him, he learns that his interests, his likes and feelings are important to me. He matters.

Physical connection goes hand in hand with the emotional connection of play. Sometimes when our young explorers begin to move away from all the physical connections of breastfeeding, babywearing and bed sharing, we forget to make time for other healthy touch. Rough housing, tag, hide and seek, and other games that deal with separation and connection are important. We love the pushing game. Filling little love cups with fun filled physical affection is one of the best aspects of play.

Meeting the underlying needs for power and connection is one of the keys to effective discipline. People who feel empowered and connected are much more likely to behave in appropriate ways. But there are many other ways that play can be used in discipline.

Transitions are much smoother if we have a fun way to do them. Whenever we cross the parking lot, we all pick a different animal to imitate: stomping like elephants, wiggling our tails like little fish, hopping like bunnies (I excel at waddling like a penguin). We prefer non competitive games for the most part, but every now and then a race to see who can get buckled up first or make it to their seats is helpful. Classics like the Quiet Game or seeing who can win a silent stare down without laughing can be a great way to calm down after boisterous play.

Role playing is one of the most effective ways to learn any new skill. Want to practice acceptable behavior for restaurants? Play restaurant games! Have tea parties! Play library and practice using quiet voices. Get silly and use exaggerated, over the top examples. Do you have a runner? Play games like Red Light, Green Light or others that practice starting and stopping on cue. Talk about bullying and then role play different responses. For some games, you might want to provide a script. Or depending on your kids' mood or the situation, you may all improvise. Just make sure that you don't lose the fun in the teaching. If the educational aspect needs to take a back seat, so be it. They will still learn from the little bits that you do work in.

Going through a potty talk phase? Make a game of giving them nonsense words to use instead. When my three year old was randomly inserting "caca" into every sentence, we zeroed in on what he really wanted: the fun of our reaction. So we ignored that, but told him to never, ever say "snooglewoogles". Of course, he immediately did, and we played up our shock and horror, throwing up our hands and looking around to see if anyone had heard. Pretty soon, he decided that it was much more fun to say snooglewoogles.

Use play to provide a spoonful of sugar for unpleasant or boring tasks. My sweetlings can be very, er, inventive if left to distract themselves in a waiting room or other boring place. Ahem. Participating in their play or finding gentle ways to help direct it is necessary right now. Go retro with I Spy, pen and paper games or even making up stories together. If you need to all pick up the house, try tossing objects into a basket, setting a timer, picking up a specific color or type of object--anything to make it more fun. (I need extra motivation on this kind of thing, too!)

This is just the tip of the iceberg on ways that you can use play as a tool. The September 2011 Carnival of Natural Parenting is full of fabulous posts on this topic. Read to the end to find all the links. :) For more inspiration and ideas, get Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. Discipline is not supposed to be miserable--it should be delightful. Playing with your kids is one of the most powerful tools you will ever find.

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Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Opening Up the GD Toolbox: Physical Needs

2011-11-12T09:40:00.000-08:00

Image credit goaliej54 on Flickr

Choosing to use gentle discipline is scary at first. What are you going to do if you give up spanking? Time out? What if that doesn't work? Take away privileges? What if your kids are too young to really care? I remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach when we first decided not to spank. It was like jumping off a cliff and not being sure of the landing.

It turns out that there are many, many tools besides spanking and time outs. I gave an overview of some of our favorites, but now I want to open up that toolbox by focusing on each one, with practical tips of how to use it. Even if spanking is still one of your tools right now, I hope that as you read through the alternatives you will find fewer reasons to use it. For more in this series, click here.

Looking for more practical tips? Check out my favorite post from the Hippie Housewife on The Hows of Discipline (and read through all the comments!), Pearl in Oyster's 52 Tool Cards series and Aha! Parenting's blog. Do you need inspiration and a reminder of why and how to do this? Read Emerging Mummy's Practices of Mothering and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond. If you have other great resources or ideas, please add them in the comments.

Meeting Physical Needs

Punitive parenting is about responding to a behavior. Proactive parenting means that instead of waiting for a problem, we work at helping our kids *before* it gets to that point. One of the basic ways to do this is to make sure that physical needs are being met. When I first heard that kind of reminder, I felt a tad defensive. Is she implying that I am a neglectful parent? Of course I take care of physical needs!!

Image credit lindaaslund on Flickr

I am sure that you do what you can to meet your child's needs. But in the hustle and bustle of all the responsibilities that we have, many of us fall into the habit of ignoring our physical needs to get things done. Sometimes, our kids do that, too. If I go too long without a snack or break, I get grouchy, and so do my kids. I have learned to ask at regular intervals: Are we getting healthy snacks? Plenty to drink? Enough rest? Younger kids even get so busy playing at times that they ignore a need to go to the bathroom.

Another important physical need is exercise. We all need those endorphins. A huge part of why we homeschool is that my kids need plenty of physical activity, and sitting in a classroom wouldn't allow them to run, climb, dance, jump and do everything else they need to do in order to use their growing muscles and get the wiggles out. This is all well and good, but what if you can't go outside? A couple of our favorite indoor activities are pillow piles and the pushing game. Dancing is always good, especially when mixed with a moment to freeze and see who has the funniest position or expression.

I know there are some people who suspect that parents nowadays invent food allergies for their kids. Whatever the reasons behind food allergies, the truth is that they have risen dramatically, and they often don't look like hives and anaphylaxis. And young kids may not be able to verbalize their symptoms. Mold gives me an exhausted, foggy-brained feeling that I struggle to put into words, even as an adult. I have difficulty concentrating and a headache. A lot of kids respond to wheat or gluten that way. Tummy troubles, mucousy stools, constipation and other issues can make a child very cranky. Some kids react to food dyes, gluten and other common foods by getting hyper and bouncing off the walls. According to our allergist, dairy and other foods can even cause bladder spasms, so that a child doesn't feel the urge to urinate then suddenly has an accident.

Image credit Wallula Junction on Flickr

Most of us are sympathetic to a baby who is teething. But we forget about it as they get older. Molars, though, are some of the most painful teeth to break through the gums, and they come through around two years and again around six. No wonder those are some of the toughest ages for kids! I remember the pain of wisdom teeth coming through, and for little kids to deal with the constant irritation and inflammation of cutting molars has to take a toll on their behavior some days.

How often have our kids had a tough day, and then the next day they get sick? I can't tell how many times I have been aggravated at their behavior, only to look back a day or two later and realize that they were coming down with something. Even if they don't have visible symptoms yet, they may be fighting off an ear infection, a virus or something else.

Finally, while no one wants to suspect that their child has special needs, it often isn't until children are much older that issues like an auditory processing disorder or other things are diagnosed. Make sure that you are giving sufficient time for your child to completely understand your request and then to respond (which even in neurotypical kids often takes much longer than we realize). I have even known of families who eventually discovered hearing loss in their child and finally realized that much of what had seemed to be willfully ignoring them was not. And of course, there are tons of possibilities I haven't covered here. If your default is to assume that they are doing the best that they can in a given moment, it will save a lot of energy from regret later!

People who don't feel well usually don't act right. We know that. But sometimes we need to be reminded. If your child's behavior is telling you that something is wrong, take a look at possible physical causes. There might be more going on than meets the eye.

But They Look So Happy!

2011-11-09T09:28:00.000-08:00

Image credit masochismtango on Flickr

All of the recent news about the Duggar's newest baby has spawned a number of online arguments. One of the most frequent comments was about how cheerful their family is, especially the children. How Michelle is a great mom who doesn't yell. It must be working for them, because the kids are well behaved and look happy. Sounds reasonable, right?

I might believe it, if I didn't know what I know of Gothard/ATI and the Pearls. The Duggars are deeply enmeshed in ATI, and ATI takes allegiance very seriously. It isn't a vague Statement of Beliefs that you sign so your kids can take the courses. It is several pages of in depth info that covers what kind of music you can listen to (no Christian rock), the kind of TV you watch (mainly Christian DVDs), the way you dress (those jumpers are about modesty), the kind of punishments the parents use (spankings), and more. It isn't just a curriculum--it is a lifestyle that delves into family finances, child planning and every other detail.

There has long been a lot of speculation about whether the Duggars use the controversial punishment methods taught by Michael and Debi Pearl in To Train Up a Child. Things like the blanket training, certain phrases that are used, and the general popularity within that subculture have fueled that, as well as many people who claim that it was recommended previously on the website. I can't prove that they follow TTUAC, but as of yesterday, the Duggar's website included it in their Amazon links along with a glowing recommendation. Considering that some of the other recommendations list personal details about how the materials were used by the family, I cannot believe that it was randomly included on their site without their approval.

One of the creepiest things about Gothard and the Pearls is that they teach that happy is the only acceptable emotion. If you do not have a joyful countenance, you are publicly shaming your authorities. In other words, if the kid looks unhappy, it is a personal offense against the parents. Pearl also has nauseating quotes and anecdotes about how any time his kids expressed unhappiness or anger they were hit even harder and longer until they were cheerful. How twisted is that? Children are taught from babyhood to always be cheerful, or else they deserve a spanking. As they grow older, it is not just the fear of a spanking that causes them to keep smiling. It is the sincere belief that they are sinning with ingratitude, rebellion and more if they don't present a happy face.

You know the whole fake it till you make it idea? It is pretty effective. I am sure that there are plenty of times where the kids are genuinely happy. There are many good things in their lives, and I do believe that the kids are loved. I am not saying that it is all a sham. I *do* strongly suspect that the habit of "joyfulness" is so deeply ingrained that denying "ungodly emotions" such as anger (which comes from not yielding your rights in Gothardspeak) and unhappiness (which is a sinful lack of gratitude) is automatic by now.

For many people who follow Gothard and the Pearls, appearance is everything. As long as you appear happy, then you must be. There is also strong pressure to be a ~~salesperson~~ witness. Your countenance is your ~~sales pitch~~ testimony, and if you present an ugly picture to the world, it is a public shaming of your parents and ultimately your God. Are you going to be the cause of people in the world turning from Christ? I have heard women who are part of this mindset justify staying in abusive relationships because "it would look so bad for a Christian to divorce". Because, you know, God would rather you live a damaging lie and deceive others than expose the truth that even families who claim Him are not perfect. (Shhhh. He won't know that your marriage is really broken as long as you don't sign divorce papers!) Sorry. I get sarcastic when I am frustrated. Please check out Families Where Grace is In Place or Grace Based Living to read more about getting free from curse-filled relationships.

And, lest we forget, there is plenty of editing that goes into a TV show.

So when I hear someone say, "But they look so happy!" I can't help but think, "Of course they do. They know that happy is the only acceptable emotion in their world. But is it really happiness when you aren't allowed to express anything else?"

I haven't written too much about growing up under Gothard. Just that general post, a post when I first found Razing Ruth, and a bit about our courtship. But I grew up in this kind of teaching. If you are interested in more of what life is really like for someone growing up under Gothard and the Pearls, there is a wealth of information and stories at:

No Longer Qivering
Commandments of Men
Darcy's Heart-Stirrings
Enigma
Love, Joy, Feminism
Permission to Live
Razing Ruth
Recovering Grace
The Eighth and Final Square
Why Not Train a Child?
A Quiver Full of Information

Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Why Teach Sexual Purity?

2011-11-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

Discussions about sexual purity in Christian circles are full of cliches, catch phrases and superficiality. I have been as guilty of this as anyone else. Writing this post has challenged me to examine what I really believe about the Bible. And I will tell you upfront that I am still praying and considering this.

A lot of the insidious ideas of courtship and patriarchy have begun to permeate mainstream Christian culture, including the idolization of virginity, curse-filled gender roles, legalistic formulas and a seriously twisted view of father-daughter relationships. Christian kids are terrorized into saying no to sex, and not taught how to say yes.

We are missing the point entirely.

I believe that the heart of sexual purity is about love, freedom and unity. Choosing sexual purity from love, not fear. Love for God, love for ourselves and love for our spouse. Freedom from compulsion. Freedom from fear and shame. Freedom from insecurity. About unity that goes beyond physical intimacy. Two people uniting themselves in love and purpose. Emotional and spiritual intimacy that allows the physical joining to express the same kind of oneness as in the Trinity. Echad.

If we really want to teach our children about sexual purity, our focus must be on healthy relationships, not denying sex.

If sex really is meant to be a picture of echad, or plural oneness, what does that mean in a human relationship? Phillipians 2 has some beautiful pictures of that: encouragement from being united with Christ, comfort in love, tenderness, compassion, common sharing in the Spirit, like-minded, having the same love, intent on the same purpose. Not acting from selfishness, competition or conceit. Looking out for each others' best interests. Not grasping for position. Not dominating the other. This is mutual submission. Not something that the wife has to do to placate her husband. Something that both partners do.

This foundation of relationship sets up both partners as equal. It isn't grasping at sex from neediness or emptiness inside. It isn't allowing another to use your body from fear or resignation. It is freely giving to each other with joy and grace. It isn't detached from the reality of who the other person is. It is finding someone that you are so fully aligned with and committed to that you can be utterly honest. It means that you both are looking out for what is best for each other, not just what is easiest (and that may mean confronting each other in love and helping each other to grow, even when that isn't comfortable for our partner).

I believe that one of the most important parts of sex is security in the love of one's partner. Knowing that someone loves you fully allows you to let go of self-consciousness, embarrassment and fear and fully enjoy sex. If you are holding back the secret places in your heart from someone because they have not yet earned that level of intimacy, sex will not reach it fullest potential for either one of you.

A lot of teaching out there now says that if you have sex outside of marriage, you are giving away pieces of your heart that you can never get back. I don't believe that hearts are finite, with only a limited amount of love, that once given away means you will run out. I do believe that uniting ourselves physically with someone without being united as true partners makes us vulnerable to selfishness, shallowness and unhealthy relationships.

Instead of trying to scare my kids away from sex, I want to give them the knowledge and tools they need to grow into the people they want to be. I want them to be emotionally mature and equipped for healthy relationships, so that sex will be a beautiful portrayal of the united hearts of both partners.

These are some of the reasons that I will teach my children that I believe that sex is designed for marriage. Not because it is the end of the world if they aren't virgins when they marry, although I hope that they are. Not because of the possibilities of pregnancy (which is not the end of the world, either), or even disease, (although I will share full, unbiased info on birth control and the risks and advantages of different methods).

But because I believe that the kind of relationship that sex is meant to show us is found in a healthy marriage, in that depth of commitment and unity.

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Discipline vs Abuse--Why the Limbo Contest?

2011-11-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

"Infidelity is a sin! You should never cheat on your wife! But it is necessary that you flirt a lot with your female coworkers, and go out for romantic dinners sometimes. It will actually improve your marriage! But of course you shouldn't actually have an affair."

"Whoa! No, going out for romantic dinners with someone other than your spouse is not a good idea. You should only share romantic lunches, just the two of you. After 5 PM, it is too close to an affair."

"In some marriages, especially if your spouse is a certain personality type, making out with someone else is fine. In fact, sharing a hotel room on business trips might even be necessary. However, to keep from having an affair, you should only make out for 10 minutes at a time."

"What your marriage really needs is for you to love your wife. It is a heart issue. Just make sure that every time there is any argument, you make up with your spouse before you go and make out with someone else, so that your relationship will be protected."

"You should only do this after being married for six months, and you should stop after 12 years of marriage."

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Image credit Endlisnis on Flickr

You would not consider that stellar advice for a marriage. Most of us would say that regardless of the technical definition of infidelity, we don't want our spouses to even get close to that point. Yet whenever the question of discipline comes up, all of a sudden it becomes a limbo contest. How low can you go, how close to the line of abuse can you get without it *really* being abuse?

Is it a certain number of swats? Marks that don't last beyond a certain number of minutes/hours/days? What if your child just bruises easily? What if you don't do it in anger--does that make a difference? (Would it be fine for your spouse to cheat as long as he wasn't in love with his new partner?) Is it OK for a specific age group?

The truth is that there is little consensus on the line where spanking becomes abuse. Every person that I know who advocates spanking has a different line, and each is convinced that it should be obvious to everyone else, but it isn't. Dobson says that some bruising is fine. Tripp and the Pearls advocate hitting infants for such heinous offenses as squirming during a diaper change or fussing. Some say you should use your hands, some insist that a belt or paddle is better. If you believe that the Bible teaches spanking, Proverbs doesn't say anything at all about the number of blows, how hard they can be or the emotional state of the parent (it does give a pretty clear age reference--to young adults, not children--but funnily enough, I have never seen a spanker acknowledge that.)

I don't understand why the goal always seems to get as close as possible to the line of abuse without touching it. Is that *really* where our focus should be? (Would it be OK for your spouse to always be looking at the line for infidelity and saying, "It's OK, we didn't actually have sex. We stopped just before."?)

Hitting a child is always an act of violence. It is always meant to cause fear and pain. (If getting your child's attention is your goal, there are plenty of ways to do that without hitting them. Be honest, now.) The line between an acceptable level of pain and fear and an unacceptable level of pain and fear seems to be blurry, at best. That is why spanking advocates have to come up with all the little rules about when it becomes abuse, and still wind up scrambling to redefine the limbo line whenever a case of child abuse makes the news.

Let's take our focus off of how close we can get to the line of abuse without crossing it, and start looking for better ways to teach our kids. Instead of seeing how low we can go, let's aim for the stars!

Confessions of a Spanking Abolitionist

2011-10-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

Image credit pepsiline on Flickr

It has been bugging me for a couple of months now, but I kept trying to push it away or rationalize it. Today I realized that I can't do it anymore. I cannot be a member of a local church where the pastor advocates spanking from the pulpit. I did it for years, and tried to focus on all the areas where we do agree. I just prayed, spoke up when I could, and told myself that it wasn't an essential point.

I imagine that for some of the early abolitionists in the South, the process was similar. They reminded themselves that most Christians around them believed that the Bible supported slavery. They minimized it by saying that the pastor only taught that slavery was Biblical once in awhile. Mostly it was just included in passing references or anecdotes. I think that they knew and understood the culture, because they had grown up in it. They probably had people that they loved and respected who were slaveholders. They didn't want to act out of pride or arrogance. Perhaps they tried to tell themselves that it wasn't a foundational point of doctrine--just one of those areas where people had to follow their own conscience.

But eventually, the conviction would grow in their hearts that how we view other human beings, created in God's image just like us, our brothers and sisters in Christ, really does matter. That the command to treat others as we would like to be treated is foundational. That how we study and interpret Scripture is part of the basis for trust in a pastoral relationship. That how a pastor views God and people will color the rest of his theology, too.

I live in the buckle of the Bible belt. And most people here take the "belt" part very literally. It is extremely common here for pastors to preach on spanking. The vast majority of churches in the area regularly offer classes where parents are instructed to spank early (often before a year), and often--at any sign of disobedience or defiance (which usually means any time the parent suspects the child of questioning the commands).

My parents, grandparents and in laws were all pastors. I understand that they are human. I know that *I* make mistakes, and that humility and the willingness to learn from others is important. I don't expect us to see everything exactly the same, and there are plenty of areas where I could just agree to disagree. But I have come to the place where this is foundational for me. It is about our understanding of the very nature of God, about the atonement of Christ, about grace. Jesus said that whatever we do to the least of these, we do to Him. I cannot align myself under a pastor whose view of these issues is radically different from what I believe the Bible teaches. And knowing what I know how about how terribly spanking can damage families, I cannot support a person in a position of authority who continues to exhort parents to spank.

It feels a bit lonely. I am afraid that my friends and family will think I am making too big of a deal about it. It sounds safer to just maintain the status quo. It also feels discouraging, considering the dominant culture here. I suspect that some of the things that are preferences for me (like the style of worship) will be sacrificed. But I want and need to be an active part of a local body, and I have to be able to be fed without screaming inside that we are all being poisoned.

Image credit trevorstone on Flickr

I don't want a civil war with my brothers and sisters. But I am firmly convinced that how we treat our children is a human rights issue. The culture in most of the US sees them as property, as less deserving of protection because of their age, as less than full persons, and then uses Scripture to justify it. I cannot be a part of that. (And for those who wonder if I think spanking should be illegal, yes I do. I don't for a moment believe that hitting a child is a parental right any more than hitting a spouse is a marital right). I am a spanking abolitionist, and I am seeking a church home.

It's a Lifestyle, Not an Event

2011-10-23T08:47:00.000-07:00

". . . gentle discipline is a lifestyle not an event. People have said 'we discipline like this' and then described how they spank, give time outs, enforce consequences, etc. I have realized that discipline is about teaching, and we teach our children every moment of every day." ~ SonshineMama via Gentle Christian Mothers

When we first began to look at gentle discipline, I was full of panicky questions. "What about this? But what if they still don't do what I want them to? Then how do I handle this?" Looking back now, a couple of things stand out to me. I still saw discipline as an event. A "consequence" to a specific situation. And I still thought it was about controlling my child's behavior, just in a nicer way.

Over the years, my perspective has changed. It isn't an event anymore. It is a way of life. And it isn't just about parenting. It is for all my relationships. It applies to my marriage, my coworkers, my students, my friends--anyone who is part of my life. So what does it look like?

Image credit Walking Geek on Flickr

Connection, not competition. Instead of seeing others as opponents and viewing interactions as winning and losing, I need to focus on the relationship. My kids aren't adversaries, and I don't have to view anything as a battle. No one has to lose. Really. If we are on the same team, then I can focus my energy on what works best for *everyone* involved. In a disagreement with my husband, with a friend, or anyone else, this still holds true. If I direct my attention to our relationship, it is amazing how many little things resolve themselves. Even for boundaries that must be marked out and enforced, when it is within the framework of loving connection it allows so much more harmony and peace.

Looking for the unmet need behind the behavior. Whether it is a child in the middle of a meltdown, a stranger who is less than courteous, a cranky spouse, a manipulative mother in law--if you can see the motive behind the actions, it is much easier to respond with grace. Unacceptable behavior is always about someone trying to meet their own needs in an inappropriate way. "Punishing" them for it with our own unacceptable behavior doesn't help. If you know what the root cause is, you may be able to find a better way to help them meet their needs. Maybe they need to feel connected? Heard? Maybe they just need something as simple as a snack or a breather. Maybe they are exhausted, afraid or stressed out? Perhaps they feel out of control of other areas and are trying to compensate? Even if it isn't a need that you are able to meet, identifying it can help you deal with the symptoms.

Clear communication is an essential part of gentle discipline and gentle living. And for most of us, it is like learning a whole new language. It starts with eliminating unhelpful patterns that only alienate others. Then it involves learning how to identify and clearly express what we *do* want and need. As parents, we learn that shaming, vague instructions and merely telling them what not to do (instead of alternatives that would work better) aren't effective ways to communicate with our children. They don't work well with adults, either. Honesty is important, too. If you imagine that gentleness means a sugary, artificial passivity while others wreak havoc, you are wrong. Lying to ourselves and others doesn't help anyone. Nonviolent communication is an amazing book. I really can't recommend it enough.

Protecting ourselves and others. At its core, gentle discipline is about respect for healthy boundaries--theirs and ours. We need to take responsibility for ourselves, and not give others power over us that should not belong to them (they can't handle it appropriately, anyway). We must own our words, feelings and actions. Then we must allow others to own their words, feelings and actions. If you have been conditioned to avoid conflict, it seems at first much easier to just do your best to please everyone until you collapse or explode from the burden. I think that for women, especially, this is a model that many of us have grown up with, and establishing a new pattern can seem daunting. The thing is, conflict will eventually come, regardless of our efforts to avoid it. We cannot make other people happy. Allowing them the right to experience and learn how to handle their own feelings is essential, whether they are three or thirty. Happy is not the only acceptable emotion, but expressing other feelings without hurting the people around us takes knowledge and practice.

Image credit williamcho on Flickr

Smell like love. Each of us creates our own atmosphere. Like a perfume, peace in our hearts emits a fragrance that influences everyone around us. When I am anxious, edgy or upset, all of my family members pick up on it. And if you have ever been around someone who tried to mask BO with a heavy dose of perfume, you know that covering up unpleasant odors doesn't work!

If the air around us stinks, it is a signal to look at our own unmet needs. Maybe there is fear from past events that haven't fully healed. So often when we begin to look at others' actions through a lens of grace and see the needs driving their behavior, it alerts us to our own needs that we have been trying to meet in unhealthy ways. I want my life to radiate love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustworthiness, gentleness and self-control. But those fruits don't spring out of nowhere--they must be planted and nurtured in my life. Weeds that would choke them out or stunt their growth need to be pulled.

So I am in the process of moving toward a life full of grace. Not a series of discrete events. Not just as a form of discipline. Not just for my children. I am not there yet, but I am excited about the journey. When I first began the road to gentle discipline, the writings of Crystal Lutton helped me tremendously. Her book, Biblical Parenting, answered so many of my questions and gave me a new way of looking at a lot of things. While mulling over this whole idea of Grace Based Living, I found that her book on that is available on Kindle. I am going to get it today. :) I am so excited about intentionally learning and growing in a lifestyle of grace, and so thankful for all of you who are joining me. <3

Disclaimer: Crystal Lutton and the Gentle Christian Mothers message board have been an amazing source of inspiration, help and grace in my life. However, we are all individuals and I do not speak for them. I am sure that there are some posts of mine that they might disagree with. Feel free to attribute any good stuff to their influence, and stuff that is not so good is probably my own. ;) I don't have enough words to express how incredible these ladies are or how much they have blessed my family, so instead I would just invite you to join GCM and see for yourself. <3

Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Sexual Purity: Myth Busters Edition

2011-10-14T13:54:00.000-07:00

When I look at the Bible and read that we are the Bride of Christ, when I consider the bond between my husband and myself, it is easy to see the sacredness of sex. I believe that God created it to give us a picture of what true unity looks like. To me, sexual purity is about respecting the power, beauty and covenant of sex.

I know that I am not alone, but sometimes it feels like it. There are so many churchy myths out there.

Image credit Sherry's Rose Cottage on Flick

Perhaps the biggest distortion I see is the idolization of virginity. So many portray it as the be all end all standard of sexual purity. First of all, I think that sexual purity is just as important after marriage as before, and in fact, more so. Furthermore, sexual purity isn't just lack of vaginal intercourse. Such a narrow focus on outward behavior causes us to lose sight of the heart issue. Some wind up doing everything except for vaginal intercourse, and have no idea of the possible consequences of things like oral sex, pornography, and other forms of sexual activity. Others who do have sex feel that they are forever "second hand goods". Both are terrible distortions of what sexual purity really means.

Because sex is not just about intercourse, it is important to guard their hearts and minds. Temptation in any area (whether through mental fantasies, romance novels, or physical temptations with another person) can often be escaped through accountability and confession. And that leads to another myth in Christian circles: that temptation = sin. So many God-loving, purity-seeking, hormonal teens are convinced that any physical attraction is the same as lust. Since they can't shut down their God-given hormones, they feel that they can't escape from sin. Jesus was tempted every bit the same way we are. It is how we choose to act on the feelings, not the feelings themselves, that matters. Guilt over every sexual urge only weakens the ability to choose sexual purity.

I also find the double standard with gender that many adopt to be deeply disturbing. Sexual purity is for men as well as women, and the stereotypes of men as slavering beasts and women as cold manipulators are both inaccurate and degrading. Both men and women are created with a strong sex drive. That is a good thing. And both are capable of self control. That is also a good thing. Women should be able to be themselves and dress comfortably without being consumed with worry about "causing their brothers to stumble". Guys shouldn't be automatically viewed as predators simply because they have a penis. Sex should never be seen as a commodity to trade in exchange for emotional security, and women shouldn't feel ashamed of wanting sex.

Image credit xornalcerto on Flickr

I am frustrated by the lie that giving our kids accurate and complete info about sexuality and birth control will lead to rampant fornication. The whole "if you tell them about it they will think it is permission" myth is absurd. This overlaps with the obsession with virginity, of course, and both are based on fear and a gleeful desire for vengeance that smugly views a baby or STD as punishment. If my children choose to wait for marriage, it will be because they have a heart-conviction that that is part of God's design for sex, not because they don't know how to use a condom. If they choose to have sex outside of marriage, they still deserve accurate info to protect themselves, their future partners and innocent children who could be conceived.

Another thing that I plan to tell them about sex is that practice makes perfect. One of the many myths floating around the Church is that if you just wait till you are married, you are promised mind-blowing orgasms every time. I think that for most people, it takes a lot of time and practice, both with the mechanics of sex and also in tuning completely into yourself and your partner and what is best for both of you. That isn't a reason to go ahead and have sex. On the contrary, the tenderness, vulnerability and trust that comes from learning those things together can be incredibly special, too.

TMI, perhaps, but my husband and I were both virgins when we married. We had never even kissed anyone else. We had a lot to learn, and it took awhile. However, I am really thankful that we stumbled through it together. The trust and tenderness established during that time is part of what allowed it to grow into the delight and confidence we enjoy now. I am saddened, though, by all the stories I have heard of disappointment and disillusionment with couples who waited for marriage and found that it didn't live up to their expectations. I don't want my children's experiences to be tarnished by an unrealistic idea of what really goes into establishing a happy sex life.

The Bible says that knowing the truth sets us free. I don't want to fill my children's minds and hearts with distortions about sexuality in an effort to help them "stay pure". Instead, I want them to know the truth so that they can freely choose to fulfill God's design for their lives. I also want them to be secure in the grace of God, to always be able to talk with me and their dad, and to experience the fullness of joy in loving intimacy.

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Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Menarche

2011-10-06T17:22:00.000-07:00

Image credit Sudhamshu on Flickr

My grandmother was a wonderful woman, but despite having seven surviving children, I wonder how informed she was about sexuality. She certainly didn't teach much to her daughters. When my mother started her period, she thought she was bleeding to death. The only explanation she got was, "This will happen every month. Here is a pad." Thankfully, my mom was much more proactive with me. She gave me plenty of information a few years before my period came, and she never tried to create a negative view of it.

But over the years, I gradually absorbed some of the negative perceptions through the media and other influences. I hate the way that our cultural view here trivializes and denigrates menstruation. It seems that it either presents periods with absurdities like dancing, flowers and rainbows or like a horror show, with vicious parodies of PMS-crazed monster women. (And I say that as one who has powerful emotional surges when my hormones fluctuate!). I don't want my daughters to see themselves that way.

When I first read of Old Testament practices, it seemed like a shameful thing. Unclean. Dirty. Gross. But when I talked to Hebrew scholars, I was shocked to see how differently they view it. It isn't unclean in the way we translate that in English. According to Kresel Housman, "Menstrual blood is NOT taboo in Judaism, nor is it something distasteful. The menstrual Laws, like all the Laws of Judaism, imbue us with a constant consciousness of the miracles which comprise our daily existence. We certainly do not view the menstruation cycle as disgusting, or even as routine and ordinary. Rather, these Laws enable us to recognize the awesome potential of life as it regenerates itself within our very own bodies." My Torah-observant friends tell me that the separation of women during that time was not about shame, but a grace-filled time for them to rest, relieved from normal responsibilities, and to be able to fully relax and enjoy the company of other women. That sounds pretty cool to me.

I have mentioned before a comment by a friend's mom who believed that women had a special sensitivity to the Holy Spirit near their moon-time. Part of me snorted. But, I also recalled unusually vivid dreams, often with a clear significance. Later, I discovered that each pregnancy was an intensely spiritual time of awareness and sensitivity for me. I don't want to romanticize the idea (and having cramps and heavy flow, leaking issues and all the rest helps me to be a tad more objective), but I cannot discount the idea of spiritual openness connected to our cycles, either.

Right now, my daughters are 7, 3 and 1, and my son is 5. As part of our ongoing Talk, we have mentioned menstruation in the past, but since I have only had around 6 periods in the last 8.5 years (thank you, breastfeeding!), it hasn't come up too often. Recently, one of the kidlets walked into the bathroom as I was emptying my Diva cup, and that has prompted a lot of conversations.

My seven year old had a lot of questions about the mechanics of menstruation, and when it would start for her. Did it hurt? Would her clothes get dirty? I shared my experiences, but let her know that she was her own person, and it was different for everyone. We talked about the differences between pads, tampons and cups. She said that once her period starts, she would like to try all the different ones to find out which works best for her and is most comfortable.

We also talked about having some type of special celebration to mark this passage. I have heard of so many beautiful observances. Some do full-blown parties with honored women in their lives. Others do a private mother-daughter celebration together. My daughter is more of an introvert, like her mom, so I doubt she would want a party, but she thinks that it is a very special occasion and wants to celebrate some way.

Image credit Laurel Fan on Flickr

I plan to prepare a gift basket that includes a copy of Cycle Savvy by Toni Weschler (author of Taking Charge of Your Fertility). She told me that jewelry would be really nice. I definitely plan to give her some chocolate--I think all women deserve chocolate on just about any occasion. ;) I am planning on finding a nice journal and pens in her favorite colors, and maybe a mug and her favorite tea blend. A friend takes her daughter for a mani-pedi, some get their ears pierced. I think it should be up to the daughter, of course, but I like the idea of a special celebration of womanhood, and also giving her something with which to pamper herself a bit.

I know a lot of moms talk about menstruation as a curse. As someone who has always had very heavy periods and considerable cramping, I can understand that. But last night, as my daughter told me with shining eyes how cool it was to be a girl and to have the power to grow a baby inside of us, I was grateful that she sees it as a gift.

So I will teach my daughters that menarche is not the beginning of 'the Curse'. It is a sign that we are life-bearers. It is not a thing of shame, but a special way of being set apart. I want them to be compassionate and gentle with themselves--to be confident in listening to their bodies and not to feel embarrassed or ashamed of setting apart a time to show grace to themselves. To recognize the waves of spiritual openness that may come with their cycles in a positive way. To be able to see this as a prelude to the glory and power of pregnancy and birth, and view their bodies as miracles and blessings.

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Sex Ed in a Christian Home--An Anonymous Guest Post on Sexual Addiction and Protecting our Kids

2011-10-05T07:34:00.000-07:00

One of the primary goals from this series is to bring into the light things that are uncomfortable. Ignoring them doesn't make them go away. Sexual addiction is real, and it is not just something that men struggle with. I am working on an entire post about gender issues, but this is a good time to point out that the double standard that exists in the church, not to mention the rest of the world, is hurting both our daughters and our sons. Common ideas like only men are visual, or that women only use sex as a means to manipulate are nonsensical and dangerous. A post on sexual purity is also in the works, but I believe that we all want our children to have a healthy, joyous sexuality that is free from compulsions. If you recognize that you need help beyond yourself to become healthy in your view of sexuality, I encourage you to find a qualified counselor. I am very grateful to my friend for trusting me enough to share this, and for speaking out on behalf of others.

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When most people think of someone having a sex addiction, they think of a man. Women are generally thought of as being the one who is fulfilling the man’s desire, rather than the one with the desire. As women, we need to realize that our desires are just as important as a man’s. We also need to realize that the problem of sexual addictions is not limited to just one sex. There are a lot of women who seem overtly sexual, and most of the time our first instinct is to think of them in negative terms. But just like with other addictions, there is something that led them to this place. Sometimes, it’s one specific incident & sometimes it develops over time. For me, the thing that led me into addiction was pornography. That’s difficult to talk about as a woman, since men are the ones we think of as having issues in this area. I want to share some of my experience with this problem as well as give some suggestions as to how to best protect our children from falling into this self-hating addiction.

Set them up for success! - I’m not even going to go into whether it’s right or wrong, because I’m obviously prejudiced due to my own situation. As consenting adults, what we do in our free time is between us & God. However, once we become parents, it’s time to make some changes. I was young when I saw pornography for the first time, maybe 7 or 8? It changed something in me. I thought the women were beautiful and brave for showing off their bodies in that way. I would try to mimic what they were doing & tried to imagine myself being that bold. Where did I find such images? In my dad’s personal collection. They were all over his room and I was curious. He did not intend for me to see them, he didn’t realize it was going to cause a lifetime struggle for me, but that’s exactly what happened. My suggestion to parents who struggle with this (and to those who don’t see it as a problem as well) is to get rid of it. Keep it out of your home. Kids are curious. And if you have a collection in your home, no matter how well hidden it is, they can still find it. Get rid of it. Wipe it off your computers as well. Just because it’s been a day, a week, or a month since you looked, doesn’t mean it’s gone. Little fingers can hit buttons quickly on a computer and bring up something that you’ll quickly regret. (Believe me, my children have touched buttons and reworked my whole computer causing me to have to get it professionally fixed.)

Talk to them – about their bodies. Teach them what’s public & what’s private. Explain the importance of not only keeping themselves protected but about other people’s privacy as well. It’s a fine line between shaming about nudity & protecting them from the things in the world that can harm them. My children would be nudists if possible. It’s rare for them to wear more than just underwear at home & my boys have no problem using the bathroom outside. I think that it’s important to teach them that their bodies are wonderful and that there are things that are allowed in the comfort of our home, but we also need to make sure that they understand there is a time and a place for a certain amount of modesty as a form of protection. Hopefully teaching them to respect their own bodily boundaries will teach them to respect others as well and it will be easier for them to refrain from participating in viewing of such material.

Know who your kids are with – Ok, so this seems soooo obvious. But it’s a difficult one for me. My parents were super strict about whom I spent time with and made sure to basically grill their families before letting me sleep over, but I was still exposed to a lot that they would not have approved of. My friend’s families all had paid channels, like HBO, Showtime, & Cinemax. Most of my friends had TV’s in their rooms. We would stay up all. night. long. watching completely inappropriate movies. Yes, sex is everywhere now, but guess what, it was everywhere then too. You just had to know where to look for it. We were elementary age & we weren’t watching Disney & other kid’s shows. Nope, we were watching shows full of nudity and sex. Again, my parents knew these families. They were friends with them. They just had no idea what their family boundaries were.

Set boundaries – You know what is expected of your family. You know what you’re ok with. Do your kids know these things? (This is one of those areas that obviously go well beyond sexual behaviors, but I’m going to limit it to those areas.)

· Movies & TV – Make sure you’re clear about what ratings are appropriate for them and if there are any channels that you’re not ok with them viewing.

· Modesty/dress – Let them know where you draw the line. Certain lengths of skirts, if you prefer they wear shorts/leggings under skirts, how much skin is too much, etc.

· Alone time with friends – This is more for older kids, but it’s important for them to know when/where it’s ok to be alone with their friends, especially those of the opposite sex. It’s important to teach them not to put themselves into situations that could lead to temptation.

And there’s so much more that could be added here.

Be available to them – Talk, talk, talk! Make sure you’ve got a strong enough relationship with your child that they will come to you first in a difficult situation. No matter what, there will be times that they will make decisions you won’t necessarily agree with (just ask your own parents), but it’s how you respond that is most important. Let them know that you love them no matter what and that you’re always a safe place to land. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being your child’s comfort, even into their adult years. That’s your job. To teach them, to lead by example, and to be available to them when they need you most. We’ve told our teenagers that if there is ever a time when they feel uncomfortable about something that’s going on, they can call us and we will come rescue them. No questions asked. I don’t want them to feel obligated to stay in a bad situation & even allow themselves to fall to temptation because they were too scared to come to us. Our Father doesn’t do that to us. He picks us up from the darkest of places and loves us no matter where we are. He is our comfort and I that’s what I want to be for our children.

For me, this has been a lifetime struggle. It’s just been in the last couple years that I’ve admitted that it’s a problem for me. Seeing sex in such a casual way, through pornography, led me to allow myself to participate in some sexual ways that I’m ashamed of. Sex itself became an addiction to me. Once I allowed myself to cross that boundary, I found myself craving more. I had some very unhealthy, and sometimes dangerous, relationships. Thankfully, I am now married to an amazing man who loves me despite all my baggage. Unfortunately, he also struggles in this area. It’s something we have to be conscious about daily, but we’re getting through it. We are also doing what we can to break the cycle. We talk to our children & let them know that we’re always available. We have set boundaries with them and helped them to set their own boundaries as well. Above all, they know that Our Father is always there and is full of Grace and love for them.

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Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Making Loving Connections

2011-10-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

Welcome to our ongoing series about sexuality and relationships! This is a guest post from my dear friend, Lucy of Dreaming Aloud. I appreciate so very much her gracious permission to share this post, which I think is a great overview of what we are working for in teaching our children about loving connections. This is part of a series about how we teach our children about sexuality. As parents, we have an incredible responsibility. We need to give our children accurate, age-appropriate information, not only on the physical aspects of sexuality, but also on the emotional and spiritual ramifications. I hope you will join us in this discussion with your comments, links, ideas and stories. For the entire series, click here.

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Image credit x_MeSHaRi_x يالله التيسير

Let’s talk about… making loving connections

Have you ever wondered how you were going to do “the talk” about “the birds and the bees”. What to say and how, and of course when and how much. We know it’s important that children learn about sex and relationships at home, but how to do it without toe curling embarrassment on both sides. Few of us have good examples from our own childhood to follow and we’re aware that if we don’t broach the subject it will be left in the less than capable hands of peers and the media. Nowadays, due to living in such an over-sexualized, titillated culture, the job of “the talk” is not to generally explain anatomy or mechanics, as it was in the past. Contraception and disease are now part of the school curriculum, where kids are told all the reasons not to have sex, to be careful, to watch out for predators. But perhaps the most important parts, the reason why we all want to “do it”, the emotional, hormonal and very human relational aspects of sex are what we can really provide a solid grounding in at home. This is something we are all experienced in. We certainly don’t have all the answers, but we can show how we ourselves try to navigate these crucial paths. Home is where we can make the connections between love and sex, between bodies and feelings, between children and sex. The reason we often struggle with Sex is because we isolate it from its surroundings, we take it out of relationship. Talking about sex is not just explaining reproduction. Sexual education involves learning about our bodies, feelings of love, affection and attraction, companionship, passion, art, the dynamics of interpersonal relationships, self-esteem etc: sex is not just something that happens in bedrooms, its roots are in all aspects of our lives and our world.

Image credit Sequoia Hughes on Flickr

So what can we do to make a foundation of a healthy, esteemed understanding of sex and relationships? The first thing is not to wait until puberty hits. Sexual education starts when our children are babies and toddlers, at a level that they can understand. Learning about sex is learning about how all the creatures of the earth continue to exist. Flowers, puppies, sheep, ladybirds, all these provide great examples of reproduction to talk about. There are always babies and pregnant and breastfeeding women around raising questions in little minds. You start on a natural, gentle, need-to-know basis: they see you in the bath or getting dressed and ask why mummy and daddy look different, they discover their genitals whilst having their nappy changed, they want to know why they wear different clothes to their sister. All these are important learning opportunities to be seized, rather than gloss over with confusing fairy tales of cabbage patches and the like. This serves two purposes: firstly it means that sex is not a dark mysterious world of unknown fascinations when they reach their own sexual awakening. They know that you are approachable and knowledgeable about these matters. Secondly, it allows you to begin the dialogue, and get comfortable bracing the subject rather than putting it off - practice makes perfect and you will have many years then to add to and clarify their understanding.

As a society we are so aware of the negative sides of sexualisation of children through abuse, paedophilia and marketing, but we have still not acknowledged that sexuality does not emerge from nowhere, fully fledged in the teenage years. All children have their own physical sensations, their own experiences of physical pleasure, a need to feel love, affection and close bonds. They have a need to experiment and observe each other and their elders physically, and have a huge curiousity about their all parts of their bodies and how they work. It is a natural, unstoppable part of learning about the world, as long as it is within safe boundaries and the unfolding of it is instigated by the child, and at all times done in an atmosphere of mutual respect.

Language- I understand that many have strong beliefs about teaching their children to use the proper names for private parts, and have to admit that if you go to the doctor, telling him about your penis rather than your dooberry is certainly more direct and helpful for all involved. I don’t however agree, that the use of other, well known names, like willy is bad or wrong or shows a sense of embarrassment. I call my stomach my tummy, not through embarrassment but because it is a more casual word, the same with my scapula, my glutimus maximus and my umbilicus. Whatever you as a family decide, the naming of parts, especially for girls (as we have such a taboo still in this culture about the unspeakablity of female genitalia and sexuality) is crucial. Without language you cannot communicate about sex. Obviously terminology and details will evolve as the child gets older.

Communication- learning to communicate with parents about sex sets the stage for our children to be able to communicate with their own future partners about it. Having a language to express it acknowledges it as important and real.

Modeling- all learning is best based through modeling, that is learning by observation. I’m certainly not suggesting you have full blown intercourse in front of children, but affectionate gestures, hugs, strokes and kisses to show the basis of love and intimacy. Also explaining what is happening if they see animals mating or birthing.

Intimacy and emotions- modeling and talking about how physical and emotional intimacy are related is absolutely crucial for our children. Being able to express emotions, communicate feelings both verbally and physically, understanding the give and take that is involved in all loving, caring relationships.

Physical self esteem- most of us are sensitive to comments about our physicality, we absorb others impressions of us like a sponge from a very early age and internalize them as our own self image. How we feel about our physical selves has one of the greatest impacts on our later sexuality- nappy changing, toilet time and getting undressed and ready for bed, even infant massage classes are all times where children will pick up from us how they are supposed to feel about their bodies. Refrain from commenting or judging your children’s bodies except to show appreciation for their unique beauty and functionality, of all parts, nose and knees, eyes and tummies. Kiss, stroke and embrace, show them that they are loved, loveable and perfect as they are. Be especially sensitive around the changes of puberty, yours is not the place to commentate on each physical change, especially sprouting beards and breasts and spots, acknowledge it, but be very respectful of their growing need for physical privacy as they metamorphose into young adults.

Image credit dearoot on Flickr

Privacy, respect and boundaries- as children get older and more verbal, emphasise the need we all, including parents, have, for respect and privacy. Bedroom and bathroom doors may be closed, even locked, and someone outside must always knock, not just barge in. No teasing or harassing if people are caught in what should have been a moment of privacy. Also emphasising that our private parts, are just that, private, unless we choose to share them. This is not from a sense of prudery or shame, but respect. This emphasis on a need for respect and consent may also act as a powerful deterrent if a child is ever faced with an abuser- they know that they have a right to their own privacy and boundaries and to say no if they feel uncomfortable.

Work on your own issues- children pick up on our own unworked through anxieties and issues, they will get a gut feeling that there is something bad, wrong or dirty about sex and human bodies if this is what you believe, even if you don’t say it in as many words. For most of us our feelings about our bodies and sexuality and intimacy are endless works in progress, this is as it should be, but we need to try to be as clear and positive in our communications with our children about this subject.

Each family, each culture has its own guidelines and beliefs about sexuality, how and when it should be expressed and how the physical body should be shown, and it is important for children to know that different people do have different rules. But respect for the dignity and importance of the human body, its physical functions and reproductive capacity, and the need to cultivate lasting relationships are all universal human necessities. Be open, approachable, respectful. Be able to laugh and admit you don’t know. The greatest gift you can give your child is themselves unencumbered by doubts, shame or misinformation but rather physically and emotionally confident and curious about the adventures of love, sex and relationships that lie ahead.

"This article was previously published in JUNO magazine (http://www.junomagazine.com/). Lucy Pearce is contributing editor at JUNO and blogs at www.dreamingaloudnet.blogspot.com"

Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Too Much Romance?

2011-09-27T12:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome to our ongoing series about sexuality and relationships! This is a guest post from my dear friend, Pío. Pearl in Oyster is blessed to be the wife of a wonderful husband and the mother of a delightful three year old girl. She lives in rural Central California and blogs about the intersection between faith, motherhood and gentle discipline at gracefuldiscipline.blogspot.com.

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Like many young girls, I was a little bit boy crazy in junior high, high school and even college. I seemed to more readily befriend boys than girls, and so I constantly had an eye out to see if any of my guy friends were showing signs that they had a secret crush on me.

I knew all about secret crushes, you see. I’d often heard the story of my parents who were friends for three years when they suddenly realized they were in love, got engaged weeks later and were married in a matter of months.

In elementary school, if a boy teased me or gave me any sort of hard time at all, my mom would attribute it to that boy having a secret crush on me and not knowing any better way to get my attention.

Too, Mom would joke around with us kids about which classmate we’d grow up to marry. When I’d share one of my crushes with her, she’d encourage and participate in speculating and fantasizing what a future with whoever it may be would be like.

Image credit norika21 on Flickr

One of my favorite books and movies has long been Anne of Green Gables, and Gilbert Blythe’s long-standing torch for Anne strengthened my belief in the mythos of the secret crush and my longing that something so romantic would happen to me.

As I said, I was constantly on the lookout for signs that romance was about to bloom. Inevitably, I developed a few secret crushes of my own in the process. I internalized the message that romance, marriage and having a family were the primary goals of living, and without them life was less worthwhile and worse, that without them *I* was less worthwhile.

I dreamt and longed and yearned for my first kiss, and then after it happened at a party the night I graduated from eighth grade, continued to dream and long and yearn for the first kiss of the next new relationship, the next first date, the next “real” relationship. Whenever I was serious with someone, then I dreamt and longed and yearned to get engaged, plan a wedding, and so on. I was too busy dreaming and longing and yearning to notice if the fellow I was with was even right for me most of the time. As a result most of my relationships were with guys that were poor matches for me for one reason or another.

The message that romance is waiting to bloom around every corner and that life is less worth living without “that special someone” didn’t just come from my mom or from my obsession with Anne of Green Gables.

Romance novels, teen magazines, women’s magazines, movies (especially romantic comedies) all carry the message, and it’s fairly pervasive in TV sitcoms and dramas as well.

Romance novels and romantic comedies have been called “porn for women.” It’s not just because some of the scenes can get steamy, but because of the unrealistic expectations they set up. Just as all bodies are perfect or airbrushed and exaggerated in proportion in a girlie magazine, all life is unrealistically centered on romance in those entertainments. The souls and emotions of the people portrayed in the pages and on the screen are no more real than the bodies enhanced with silicone, makeup, lighting and digital wizardry in a pornographic image or film.

These are not the messages I want my daughter to grow up with.

Not only does it objectify the male gender as a means to fulfilling romantic dreams, but for me at least, it resulted in a limited understanding of my own value as a human being, and a reduced ability to trust God with my romantic future.

My self-worth became tied to a shifting set of romantic ideals, from whether or not a boy expressed romantic interest in me, to whether or not I was in a relationship; to how long that relationship lasted, to how serious that relationship was. The bottom line was that the closer to the ultimate goal of marriage and babies I seemed to be, the happier and more worthwhile I felt.

I had no sense of waiting on God’s timing for the right person to come along. In my mind, it was up to me to be attractive, to flirt, to be on the lookout for the “special someone” to come along.

In college, this sense of desperation made me an easy target for an emotionally abusive man, and made it more difficult to extract myself from the relationship once his true nature became clear. It made me more willing to experiment with physical intimacy and less able to maintain boundaries in the face of so called “romance.”

So what does this mean for Sexual Education in a Christian Home?

There’s not a simple formula answer. Certainly it’s a complex set of interactions between society and parenting, psychology and spirituality.

However, I can start by being conscious of the way I talk to my daughter about romantic relationships, not just when she is a teenager, but throughout her life. I especially want to guard against the temptation to do any fortune-telling of my own about any male friends she may have.

How can I actively fight the messages society sends that a person’s worth is tied to their “success” in romance?

Certainly I want my daughter to view motherhood and marriage as important and valuable, so downplaying the importance of those parts of life isn’t the whole answer.

I think the solution boils down to where she draws her value from and what she puts her trust in. I want her to feel loved for who she is at every stage of her life. I want her to be able to rest in God’s timing and trust His plan for her life.

I hope that attachment parenting and gentle discipline have given us a good start toward those goals. As I responsively met her needs as an infant, I taught her to trust and feel loved. As I gently discipline her with grace, I hopefully reflect God’s character. I can’t live her life for her, but I can set her up for success as much as possible with the spoken and implied messages I give her.

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Sex Ed in a Christian Home--In which I am grateful for Dobson

2011-09-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

Image credit Leo Reynolds on Flickr

This post was difficult to write. I considered many approaches: impersonal, personal, detailed, vague. I considered not writing it at all! But I think that one of the biggest problems with the way the Church has dealt with sexuality is that we haven't talked openly enough about it. It is much more comfortable to just avoid it.

I also believe that in the zeal for sexual purity, Christians have actually defiled our sexuality more than we have protected and honored it. We have rightly said that feeling good doesn't make it right. But we have gone beyond that and said that feeling good makes it wrong, and that is a lie that distorts the sacredness of sex.

For many children, the first tainting of their view of their bodies and sexuality occurs with self-exploration. The baby reaches down during a diaper change or bath, and instantly his hand is moved away with a show of embarrassment or shame, perhaps even anger or disgust. A toddler or preschooler who begins to touch herself and explore her own body is shamed even more. A huge number of parents flat out lie in their efforts to scare children away from touching themselves. And the message that gives is that the child is so horribly evil that the parents must resort to sin themselves in order to stop their wickedness. Do we seriously think that that is of God?

I was a precocious child. One day when I was about three, I was wriggling around on the floor and noticed, "Hey! That felt good!" It took a little while to figure out how to recreate that feeling, but I did. Later, I found that rubbing against the arm of the couch in my grandmother's home was convenient and pleasurable. What I didn't understand was the horror and shame that provoked from any grown ups in the vicinity. It was obviously something very, very bad. I just didn't understand why.

In spite of my mother's very evident distress, I persisted. It felt too good to stop. I could vaguely understand a need for privacy as I got older, but that wasn't enough--the fact that I was doing it at all grew to be a terrible weight of shame and guilt for me.

My mom was aware of it, and would occasionally refer in pained, shame-filled half-whispers to "my Habit". I asked her why it was so bad, and could tell that she was having a hard time with the answer. She told me that when she used to work in an orphanage that most of the children there did it, and that the director didn't seem to think it was so terrible. Yet, she still made it clear that it was very, very bad. I sensed that she was caught between unformed convictions and the church culture that labeled it a horrific sin. She was never harsh, and I don't think that she ever punished me at all for it, yet the fact that it seemed so troubling to her made me feel as guilty as if she had.

When I was baptized at 8 years old, I made a list of sins that I wanted to be dead and buried forever in my life. That was at the top of the list (above fighting with my sister, disrespect, and not reading my Bible/praying enough). For a few weeks I was fine. Then I slipped again. I was crushed. And that became a pattern for several years.

Although my mom was wonderful with teaching me about sexuality in general, and in giving me a positive view of sex, I don't recall her ever mentioning the topic of masturbation in connection with sex, or even the "m word" at all. All I remember is that she thought it was sinful, and that I absorbed all the shame and guilt possible from that. It wasn't until I was nearly an adult when I read of it that I realized that that is what it was.

Then I started looking at the Bible. I couldn't find any reference to it whatsoever. I studied some Christian authors, but they only made vague references to Onan, which didn't seem at all applicable to me, since there were no inheritance issues at stake. Most of them assumed that porn and sexual fantasies were involved, which there weren't. I wasn't looking at or even imagining anything. It was just a feel-good, physical stress release.

The only Christian author who didn't seem to think I was going to burn in Hell was, of all people, Dobson! I was shocked. What's more, he didn't imply that I was a sexual deviant or even a freakily unnatural girl. He seemed to believe that it was no big deal! I was stunned, but gasping with thankfulness and relief that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't guilty of a terrible sin.

I applaud his reasonableness and courage in going against the prevailing message of fear and shame that many parents still buy into. Sadly, Dobson was shredded by his brothers and sisters in Christ for his views. I have read webpages that demonize him, and when I checked Focus on the Family, it seemed that he had modified his comments to say that it wasn't good and that anyone who did it should stop, but he is still far less condemning than most other Christian writers.

I have shared before our approach to sexuality with our children. We value sexual purity. And I have come to believe that an important part of sexual purity encompasses viewing our bodies and God-given feelings and desires as good, and not tainting His design with shame and guilt over un-Biblical standards that are mere traditions made of men.

I have heard cautions, of course, about porn and lust. That one can become so accustomed to self-stimulation as to be unable to respond to a partner. Those were never the case for me, and although I recognize that they might be for some, I am not afraid of those outcomes without outside factors.

I have a suspicion that, much like an extreme focus on modesty often results in objectifying women more than would have been the case otherwise, a shame-based approach to sexuality is more likely to provoke lust. Perhaps in some cases, the perception that it is sinful causes some kids to assume that since it is so bad already, pornography is just the next logical step. I don't know.

As a Christian, when the Bible doesn't address something directly, I believe we should look to the larger message. I think that it is clear that lust is wrong. I don't believe masturbation always involves lust, though. And if/when it doesn't, I can't see what the problem is.

So when the topic comes up with my kids, I tell them that God made our bodies in a wonderful way, and agree that it does feel good. I also tell them that it is a private thing that it not to be shared with other people. Our bodies are special. All parts of them. And they were made to be enjoyed, by our spouse, sure, but also by us.

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Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Silent Talk

2011-09-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

Image credit Leo Reynolds on Flickr

From the very first moments of life, we begin teaching our children life-long lessons about their sexuality. Some of the most profound messages we will ever give them take place without a word.

When we gently caress their silky skin, smooch that little spot on the side of their necks that always makes them giggle, when we play patty cake--every time we demonstrate appropriate, loving touches, we are teaching them that their bodies are wonderful. They learn from snuggles and being held that they are loveable.

When we teach them the names of all their body parts, we show them that their bodies are special. I believe that it is important for them to learn correct names from the beginning. I have heard the argument that we use non-clinical names for tummy and so on. That is true, but it is also a pretty standard term used and understood by everyone, regardless of age. Most cutesy names for genitals are not. Aside from the important matter of accuracy, it conveys a great deal about our acceptance of them and of talking about sexuality. If we teach them that there is something shameful or embarrassing in the very name vulva or penis, they will internalize that. If we make it obvious that we don't want to talk about it, eventually they will stop talking to us and talk to someone else.

We teach our children about gender stereotypes from our first observations. Do our girls hear that they are strong and powerful? Do our boys learn that we value tenderness and sensitivity? Our society is so proficient at marketing gender roles that by age three, most girls and boys know that pink is a girl color, and blue is for boys, that girls are princesses (passive and prissy) and boys are tough and active. As toddlers, my little girl loved blue and Spiderman, and my son loved dolls and sparkly clothes. Within just a couple of years, though, they were telling each other that blue was for boys and dolls are for girls. I believe that colors are gender-neutral, and that both sons and daughters grow up to be parents. But we must speak up if we don't want our children to think there is something wrong with them.

We teach our children about body image through our own. Do they hear us putting ourselves down and criticizing our own bodies? Do we point out our flaws or gripe about our weight? Do they hear us make comments about other people and laugh at their appearance? Each word nails in deeper the truth about our values, and what their own bodies are worth.

We also teach them about sexuality when they first begin to say no. Comments like, "Give grandma a kiss or she'll be sad!" teach them to ignore their own body boundaries and give feigned affection to placate adults. Acknowledging and respecting their right to say no to unwanted touches is vital. It may mean intervening when relatives or friends try to bully them with unwanted hugs, kisses or tickles. The message we send about their right to say no is far more important than a miffed adult.

On a related note, it is important to reconsider the popular stance that in any dispute between a child and an adult, the parent is supposed to side with the adult, particularly if that adult is in a position of authority. Our society makes it clear that grown ups are supposed to be a united front, and that children are supposed to obey adults. Predators capitalize on this. Children who internalize those messages may not even bother to tell about sexual abuse, assuming that the adult was right and that they (the child) are to blame, or that they wouldn't be believed, anyway.

What they witness in our marriage matters, too. They learn how to treat others and how they should be treated based on what they see. We teach them about gender roles. We teach them what affectionate touch looks like. What friendship with a spouse means. What healthy boundaries are. How to have healthy and respectful disagreements. I think most of us are works in progress in this area, but I would encourage you that if you are concerned about what they see, work on changing the relationship, not at doing a better job of hiding the problems.

Before our children ever hear about the mechanics of sex, they are picking up all kinds of messages from us about the value and worth of their bodies, about the extent of their control over their bodies, and about what it means to be male or female, and what relationships should be. We need to be conscious about the silent talk that we are giving them, because our actions do speak much louder than words.

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Sex Ed in a Christian Home--Starting the Talk

2011-09-21T06:44:00.000-07:00

Image credit Leo Reynolds on Flickr

I am in awe of the imagination of God. Our bodies are amazing. Sex is amazing. I want my children to value the sacredness, the beauty, the hilarity and delight of their sexuality. Yet so often in Christian circles, the only message given to our children is, "Don't!" I think that makes a shame-filled, hollow mockery of the purity that we claim to pursue.

We bemoan the cheap and tawdry ubiquity of sexual images and references in our culture, but if we don't provide an intentional, alternative message to our kids, then that is the default they are left with. I don't want my children's perception of sexuality to be formed by Bratz dolls, Toddlers and Tiaras, or even their peers. Nor do I want it formed by misogynistic, pseudo-Victorian beliefs that have been shrouded in religious trappings. I have to speak up if I want them to hear my message.

One of the problems with waiting to have The Talk at puberty is that there is simply way too much to discuss. For many, it winds up being an awkward summary of the mechanics and a warning against pregnancy and STDs. Whether from embarrassment or ignorance or lack of thought, there are all kinds of issues regarding sexuality that never make it into discussions in many homes. Things like gender roles and expectations. Masturbation. Emotional and spiritual aspects of sex. Porn and sexual addictions. Questioning sexual orientation. Modesty and sexual purity beyond guilt-mongering.

It doesn't fit into a single Talk--it must be an ongoing conversation. I don't have all the answers, by any means. But my children and I talk all the time. And it is good. I can see the foundation that they have already about their bodies, about their rights to control their bodies and say no (and eventually, yes), their comfort with discussing sex, relationships,and everything else.

I am incredibly blessed by all the wise and loving family, friends and fellow parents who speak into my life. They have helped me and given me ideas, information, and encouragement on this topic, and I am privileged to be able to share their voices with you. This is going to be an ongoing series on topics associated with sexuality and parenting. I have several guest posts lined up, and a bunch in the works. Your questions, comments, suggestions, stories, links and ideas are very, very much appreciated! I am approaching this as a Christian, but this discussion is not intended to be exclusive. Please feel free to share regardless of your religious beliefs. I do ask that everyone please keep your comments courteous and respectful. I am looking forward to starting the talk with you!

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It's Not Just About Spanking

2011-09-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

Image credit Ed Yourdon on Flickr

"I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hit her, but how else can I control her?"

"Well, I have found loss of privilege to be effective. If she doesn't do what you want, start taking away things that matter to her. Cut off any spending money, time on the computer, going out with friends. Or you can always do a time-out."

"I tried that, but she gets so worked up. You should have seen her tantrum the other day! She came home from work and had a meltdown for no reason. She wanted me to help clean the house or something, and when I said no, she flipped."

"Yeah, my wife does that, too. The important thing is to never give in. Stay strong and refuse to pay any attention. Eventually, she'll stop."

"You're right. I can't let her win, or she will just learn that she can get what she wants any time she cries. I just feel like she doesn't respect me."

"That is awful. Do you think her friends are a bad influence?"

"Yeah, I should probably limit her time with them. Our marriage was so much easier before."

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Even when we choose not to spank, it can be incredibly difficult to get out of the punitive mindset. I know that a parent-child relationship has some differences from a marriage, but I still think that it is ludicrous to suppose that domineering, adversarial thinking is healthy for *any* relationship. Looking to other forms of punishment such as time-out, etc., perpetuates the same dynamic as spanking, even if it is physically more gentle. It is very difficult to change, though. It is so deeply ingrained in our culture that we rarely notice the contradictions or absurdity of the way we relate to children.

Striking a child is a tangible act. Emotional punishments are much more subtle. Yet can we really suppose that deliberately hurting our child emotionally is benign? How many adults still struggle with the shaming messages that they heard as children? If we shun and isolate our children for expressing big emotions, can we logically expect them to confide in us as they grow older? If we are constantly suspicious of negative intentions on their part, when will they realize that we are going to believe the worst anyway and stop trying to please us? If we treat them as nuisances, how are they to know they are worth any more than that? If we still try to manipulate them through rewards and punishments, does it erode intrinsic motivation any less simply because the punishment isn't physical?

One of the glaring problems in the dialogue at the beginning of the post was the focus of the relationship: control. Control should never be the focus of a loving relationship. "But I am the parent! I have to control my child!" Certainly, you have a responsibility to keep your child and others safe. But if your are trying to control their emotions, thoughts and beliefs, or emphasizing control rather than connection, your attempts are misguided and will ultimately hurt you both, because you are violating healthy boundaries. Instead, you need to respectfully give them tools which they can use to express themselves in healthy ways, and set your mind and heart on loving them.

But the Bible says that children should obey their parents! Yes, it does. That is talking to the children, not to the parents. It does not say that parents should force children to obey. In Hebrew, obedience means that one has fully heard, understood from the heart and chosen to obey. Crystal Lutton has some great resources on this. True obedience is like respect--something that is freely granted, not demanded or coerced.

I get that there are times (rarely) where we may have to require compliance when obedience isn't granted. In those cases, we can make it as respectful as possible. Think of how you would treat an honored guest in that position. Maintain emotional boundaries--that means control your own emotions, not theirs. Give them as much dignity as you can. (You are much more likely to retain your own dignity that way!).

The truth is that every argument against spanking applies just as well to other forms of punishment. We must renew our minds. Jesus warned that putting new wine into old wineskins doesn't work out well. Once we taste the new wine of grace based discipline, if we try to put it into our old paradigms of punishment and control, we are just asking for explosions.

Grace is about a whole new outlook. It means treating my children the way I would want to be treated if I were them in that situation. It means forgiveness, compassion and connection. It means assigning positive intent. It means that I don't have to be the bad guy, because we are not enemies. It means finding ways to work together so that everyone's needs are met, and all healthy boundaries are honored. It isn't just about spanking or not spanking--it is about growing together in respect and love.

Starry Night

2011-09-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

Image credit noahg on Flickr

I mentioned at the beginning of the summer that I wanted to be open to new adventures. I read about Blessed Mama's camping trip with a bit of envy and it sparked the thought that it might be fun for our kidlets to sleep out under the stars. We don't have a tent, or even sleeping bags, though, so I regretfully tried to squash the impulse. Until we went outside in the gorgeous twilight, and the kids didn't want to come in. I told myself that we would probably make it back inside the house before midnight, and to just go with the adventure.

The kids were shocked and delighted when I started grabbing blankets and taking them outside. We settled into our spots, except for Elena, who kept popping up like a Jack-in-the-box and dancing around. The second time that she woke the baby I got really grouchy, but eventually recovered and apologized. Before long, both little ones were sleeping and the older two were happily counting stars.

We watched the rabbit in the moon, picked out a couple of constellations, then listened to the buzz and chirp of the local nightlife and scanned the heavens for falling stars. All the kidlets were sound asleep before ten thirty. I, on the other hand, found myself wondering if any creepy crawlies might decide to join us in the blankets. Sleeping right on the ground suddenly seemed like a not so great idea. I also discovered that despite plenty of natural padding, my bones on the ground were not particularly comfortable. The neighbor's dog began to bark and a mosquito whined in my ear. I probably would have gone back inside, but I didn't want to wake the kidlets.

Then I began to notice the sweet smells of the grass. To really look at the sparkling diamonds strewn across heaven's floor. The chirp and hum of the insects began to sound relaxing (it helped that the mosquito left without dinner). I grabbed an extra pillow and positioned it under my hip and fell asleep.

Of course, we woke a few times. The babies actually slept amazingly well--they didn't wake up any more than usual. Around 2:00, the dew was noticeable, and I slipped inside for additional blankets. The kidlets snuggled closer like a pile of little puppies, but we were dry and warm underneath the blankets.

Around 5:30, Ariana woke up and we snuggled and whispered together about dew and falling stars and planets, theology and astronomy and Oz. It grew light a little after 7:00, and as the sweetlings woke up, I brought them hot chocolate. The light in their eyes was brighter than the sun as they realized that they had stayed out the whole night. :) We cuddled and giggled, and they said it was the best night ever. <3

I am so glad that I yielded to the impulse and said yes!

Love Songs

2011-09-07T07:08:00.000-07:00

"...the morning stars sang together, and all the children of God shouted for joy..." Job 37:8

Do you sing love songs? I sing over my babies. Each time I got pregnant, before ever getting a positive test, I woke up in the night singing a praise song for the baby inside of me. Although I don't consider myself much of a singer (I can usually get about three notes in any given key, and the rest are too high or too low), there is something about a newborn that begs for a tender, joy-filled, love-bursting lullaby. Each of my babies has a little song that welled up inside me right after they were born. I still sing them to them, even to my seven year old, and get all teary-eyed listening to my five year old come up with his own little love song to his baby sister (it almost always makes her stop crying).

In my last post, I mentioned that God sings over us. I still am filled with wonder over that. I picture Him cradling me in His arms, filled with the same overwhelming love that I have holding my little ones, and it takes my breath away that He could love me like that. Not resigned tolerance. Not impatience or disappointment. Joy. Delight. Contentment.

That is what He sings over us. Promise. Hope. Laughter. Security. Love.

That is what I want to sing over the people in my life.

Something in our culture seems to encourage us to screech or croak discord. Shortly after Carlos and I were married, we started hanging out with some other young couples. We gradually stopped, because I always came away feeling uncomfortable. The wives did nothing but complain and gripe about their husbands. I have heard a lot of parents do that with their kids. They use words for their families that sound as if they are enemies--war marches instead of love songs.

I get the need to vent at times. Really. And I do it--sometimes here, sometimes to my friends, always to God. Sometimes I struggle with the balance between authenticity and choosing to speak Truth and blessings over others. But when I dig really deep, I almost always find that the things that I complain about are not the real issue at all. They are just signals to look beyond the surface, to check my boundaries, and to practice love. Love does not look like excusing or ignoring boundary violations. It isn't a sticky, sugary passivity in the face of wrong, even if (especially if) the wrong is being done by someone I love dearly. Sometimes it means confrontation, and holding tight to boundaries meant to protect myself and others.

Living right in the middle of Name It and Claim It headquarters (or Blab It and Grab It theology), I have heard some ridiculous (not to mention greedy) things. I don't want to get all weird, yet I also believe very strongly that there is an element of prophecy in what we sing over others. When Mary sang over Jesus, when Miriam and Deborah sang over God's deliverance of their people, when Hannah sang over Samuel--there was a power singing through them that went beyond nice words and a melody. We become Namers when we sing over others.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." ~ Peggy O'Mara

I still feel sad when I remember hearing a perfectly nuanced sigh that sounded identical to mine coming from my daughter over a childish mishap. I don't want the inner voice in my family to be of sighs, exasperation or criticism. I want them to hear me singing love songs over them, joining in the chorus with the God who sings for joy over us.

Image credit: Image Editor on Flickr

Delight Yourself in the Lord

2011-08-31T07:15:00.000-07:00

I love the expression of delight on her face. :)

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~ Psalm 37:4 NASB This is the question my friend challenged me with: How do you delight in the Lord? We all know the mind over matter, love is a choice ideas. But delight? That comes down to more than just a mental choice for me--there is emotion and a deep down heart response. Does fake it till you make it cut it here? I don't know, although I have some doubts.

But when I consider what I do delight in--my baby laughing, my husband giving me that look, hugs from the kidlets, savoring a perfect glass of creamy, rich iced coffee, the satisfaction of a perfectly written line of dialogue by one of my favorite authors, a glorious sky painted in vivid colors, my favorite song coming on Pandora exactly when I am in the mood for it--it all comes back to a common denominator. Awareness. Focused attention. Because if I am preoccupied with other things, I can miss the joy of all of those. It takes a moment of concentration and letting go of everything else to fully experience delight.

"Nothing is as important as wasting time with God." ~ Jamie Buckingham. In Spanish, verse 4 says to enjoy the presence of the Lord. "Disfruta de la presencia del Señor." (RVC) To me, the delight of wasting time with someone I love is the way that the underlying awareness of their presence imbues mundane activities with joy.

God also delights in us, you know. Zeph. 3:17 has always been one of my favorite verses. The NIV says, "He will take great delight in you." There are a lot of variations in the middle of the verse depending on translation, but they all begin by saying that the Lord is with us. It always seems to come back to being together before we experience delight.

So today I want to intentionally sniff around for His fragrance in my day. To look for the sparkle in His eyes peering through my children. To listen for His heartbeat in the arms of my husband. For His whisper amid the cacophony of everyday activities with four ~~rambunctious~~ energetic kidlets. To spend time gazing into His eyes by myself, regardless of the demands of all the "things that must be done today". To waste some time with the Lover of my soul. To really, truly delight in Him.

Myth Busters, Relationships Edition: Humility and Sacrifice

2011-08-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

So often the clichés that are a standard feature of Churchianity are based on a misunderstanding of Scripture, and are actually dangerous doctrines made of men. I recently read a post on Gentle Christian Mothers by Crystal Lutton that exposed a couple of lies that many of us who grew up in the church bought into. She graciously granted me permission to repost it here. I know that my family has benefited in many ways thanks to Crystal's writings. Please check out her site--she has so much more to share on grace based living! <3

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Two doctrines that were utterly toxic to me, especially when I was younger.

1) It has to be less of you and more than God

and

2) Love is a choice and involves sacrifice.

Are these two statements true? Yes. BUT . . . the first statement is NOT something we can DO, and the second statement requires a very clear view of the situation in order to understand what "Love" is and what the necessary sacrifice must be. It's not what *you* consider to be sacrifice--it's what lines up with God's Word (even if it costs you).

But these things were taught without healthy explanation or interpretation--and without healthy modeling of what it looks like.

I am an ENFP, sanguine, Type 3 (get it done) woman--and what the above played out as in my life looked something like this:

I meet a guy--he doesn't know or really love the Lord. That's okay--I love God and I can share God's love with him. (It's important to know this was NOT "missionary dating". I was "loving" them as they were and sacrificially willing to be with them even if they weren't able (due to whatever pain was in their life) to know and love God. I figured if they experienced unconditional love they would be able to receive it from Him.

We start dating and my feelings are strong and we get close really quickly--emotionally and physically--but obviously not spiritually because he doesn't love God.

So now we're involved and I'm invested and I'm realizing it's vital for this relationship to be healthy for them to treat me well but I can't argue for what I need and expect based on God's Word (which he doesn't respect), so I sacrifice and try to deal with what is coming my way and remind myself that love requires sacrifice.

When things aren't working out in the relationship I remind myself that it always has to be less of me and more of God so I try to make myself smaller. I try to not react with emotion (more of me) and instead turn more to prayer and other spiritual pursuits.

This cycle continues until I have no boundaries left in tact, there is none of me in the relationship and, because the other person doesn't love God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength or love me as themselevs, there is also no God there anymore (I've stopped anything overtly Christian if it makes them upset).

In truth, no one can *make* there be less of them and more of God. Not only does God create us in our own unique way and ask us to BE who we are (albeit a holy version of ourselves if we are saved ) but it is most often that being who we are is what is needed in a situation we are in--that's why we're there and not someone else.

And, sacrifice means putting God's Word (not another person) ahead of everyone and everything. The key is not how well we can love another person--but how much we love God first so that our love of the other person is an overflow of the love we have with God. When all 3 parties in a relationship are in unity of purpose and vision we all move together in an ever increasing love

I think the last thought I'm having as I write this is what has most changed my life recently. I've learned that "humility" is understood by the Jewish mind as meaning this:

you take up exactly the amount of space in the world that you need. No more, no less.

and "as you need" does NOT mean "as you can get by with--and if you're someone who can sacrifice a lot you will require less space so do that."

God created you to occupy a certain amount of space in this world. You are rightfully to have all of that space. You don't have to feel guilty for it--or bemoan it.

To take up more is arrogance; to take up less is self-abasement. Both are insults to someone created in the image of God. Neither is something we should require or enable of someone else.

When we give our space to someone we encourage the sin of arrogance; when we try to take more space for ourselves from others we are encouraging the sin of self-abasement.

Are you taking up the amount of space God created you to fill in this world? And in your marriage?

__________________

An Idealistic Control Freak Considers Unschooling

2011-08-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

Image credit bjmcdonald on Flickr

I have always thought that those personality quizzes from magazines and Facebook are fun. I've always considered myself to be ~~a self-absorbed, navel-gazing perfectionist who takes herself far too seriously~~ um, self-aware. The results for me seem to fluctuate a bit depending on the test/my mood, but there are a couple of constants: I am an extreme introvert, and an idealist. When I was younger, the introvert part caused some anguish, but I have pretty much made peace with that. Now it is the idealist part that I struggle with. It is extremely important to me to be authentic and consistent, and it really bothers me when my life and my beliefs don't mesh as well as I would like.

Like Jacob, I wrestle and wrestle and refuse to let go of it, even when I don't seem to be getting anywhere. This school year is resurrecting all my issues regarding unschooling, and I have been a total grouch. Not only have the kids been responding to my lack of peace, but also to my lack of boundaries. When I am uncertain about where I stand, they have a knack for pushing on that very spot until I come to clarity. In other words, we have been butting heads a lot over school work.

I am really drawn in my heart to unschooling. Deep down, it is what I believe. Or at least, what I want to believe. We pretty much have done that up until now. But now I am homeschooling two kids, and the oldest is in second grade. We should be taking this seriously! (said in my sternest voice). I am a college instructor, and spent five years teaching K-12. Even though my experience lines up with unschooling, my programming doesn't. I am afraid.

I have always thought that fear was a terrible reason to homeschool. I pitied the children whose parents homeschooled them out of fear of contamination by the big, bad evil world. But now my choices regarding their education seem to be just as fear-based (and just as inaccurate). On days when they happily dive into new material, I rejoice. Yesterday, I read two chapters of a fabulous thriller written by my seven year old. Her story was remarkable. Visions of a future where she was being published danced in my head. I listened to my five year old happily count by odd then even numbers, fives, tens and hundreds, and smiled smugly to myself. It was working! Then, today, when they wanted to spend all day playing computer games, I felt like a failure.

My children taught me to trust their bodies and mine with breastfeeding. They taught me to trust the process of birth. They have been teaching me to trust their hearts and desire to grow and treat others well as I discipline them. And, slowly but surely, they are teaching me to trust their desire to learn. But I am not quite there yet. I freak out inwardly. I feel inadequate to provide the kind of environment and support that will really allow them to excel. And, I'll be honest--my pride trembles and quakes lest they seem to be lacking in things that other kids their age are being taught, even if the actual content is irrelevant.

So, what is an idealistic control freak to do?

I don't know yet. But I am slowly realizing that it doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing approach. Kids in public school are not motivated to study academics all day every day. Expecting it from my own children seems a tad unreasonable. But, they are far more motivated than many of us have been trained to believe.

It is easy for me to shake my head at the one-size-fits-all mentality in obstetrics, in vaccinations, in sleep issues and breastfeeding, and even education, as long as it is abstract. But in real life? With a toddler and three year old who make any kind of schoolwork with the older two a challenge?

I am trying to find the balance between backing off and supporting them, and nudging and leading them into things that they might enjoy and profit from tremendously, if they only had more exposure to them. Maybe one day I will wake up and realize that there really isn't a conflict at all. Maybe I will grow in trust. Maybe I will see that it isn't working and that we need something far more structured. I don't know yet. I just know that I am learning and stretching and growing right along with them, and that this whole parenting gig is really tough, as well as full of unspeakable joy.

I will keep you updated as I process through this, and I welcome your input! Now, I am off to examine my belly-button lint in microscopic detail...

I Spanked My Dog and He Turned Out Fine

2011-08-16T07:27:00.000-07:00

Image credit litlnemo on Flickr

I have to laugh at people who are against hitting your animals to train them. I whipped my dog like there was no tomorrow...he didn't hate me...he didn't have trust issues with me because of it...he didn't fear me...but he darn sure respected me! And he learned what his boundaries were and knew what would happen if he broke them...he wasn't abused...he was disciplined...*Repost if your dog got smacked and survived it...God put us over animals for a reason!*

Somehow, I doubt that many of my animal loving friends would repost this, or that there would be a ton of likes every time someone did. I suspect that there might even be some dissenting voices saying that there are better ways to treat our pets.

Of course, Dobson describes in horrific detail beating his tiny dog with a belt to establish his dominance, and the Pearl's view of animal training is similar. They also compare children to wild animals often, so at least they are consistent in their desire to beat anything smaller or more helpless.

Yet this Facebook status is making the rounds: "I have to laugh at people who are against spanking... My parents whipped my butt like there was no tomorrow... I didn't hate them... I didn't have trust issues with them because of it... I didn't fear them... But I darn sure respected them! And I learned what my boundaries were and knew what would happen if I broke them... I wasn't abused... I was disciplined... *Re-post if you got your butt smacked and survived it... God put extra padding back there for a reason!*"
Each time I have read it, I have started and deleted responses. For one thing, I get emotional and it is hard to type an articulate response when your hands are shaking. I know that most people who post this have no idea how this could affect others.

What bothers me so much? For starters, the mocking tone. I have known far too many people who have lasting damage from spanking (including spanking "the right way") to consider it a laughing matter. I have shared letters from a couple of people who described their experiences. Their utter contempt for the real abuse suffered by many flies directly in the face of the compassion shown by Christ.

Whether or not they are accurate in their assessment of the impact of spanking in their own family is impossible to say, but from what I have seen there is often a lot of denial. The pervasive shame and self-worth issues, the anger and lack of ability to create and maintain healthy boundaries are all part of the rotten fruit of spanking that many struggle with as adults. But, like with smoking, there are some who may not be harmed to the same extent as others.

The problem is, even if they don't see any harm from spanking in their own lives, they are perpetuating it as something beneficial and even Godly in families that are clearly abusing their children. Each time they like or repost or make joking comments about kids needing a good whipping, they are reinforcing the idea that it is good and that children deserve to be hit. And the abusers nod and smile, and their children hear from yet another source that this is right, it is what they deserve and that God wants them to be hit by their parents.

"Oh, but of course I don't condone abuse!" "Spanking in anger is always wrong." "It has to be done the right way." Cop outs. Abuse is surprisingly subjective, and the people who do it rarely believe that they are. They are often doing less to their children than was done to them, so that makes it OK in their eyes. Anger and depression are insidious, and it often isn't until they stop spanking that they realize how often, how hard or how angrily they were actually hitting their children.

You don't know what is going on in families that look good on the surface. Families where you are sure that the parents would never be abusive. Please read Avoiding Millstones.

Hitting pets is wrong. Hitting children is wrong. There are far better ways to teach both. The truth is that both pets and children want to love those who take care of them, even if they are mistreated at times. That doesn't make hitting them right. Just because we can be forgiven is not license to be a bully. If you are against violence towards animals and children both, like or repost. ;)